Page 27

Nessa directs us down the hall to a door painted candy-apple red, 14B. She slides our heart-shaped key card to open the door, then hands it to me. A strong scent of cinnamon and chocolate fills the air as we enter the happiest place on earth.

Disney's got nothing on this.

“Moose?” Amy repeats in a puzzled voice. "He's protecting us from... moose?"

I nod, settling onto the heart-shaped bed and bouncing a little on the red cover. “Aye. Vicious beasts. Especially the amorous ones.”

Amy looks at Nessa in confusion. "Did we offend him? Hamish can do that with his constant sex references."

"Archie's just really focused on security," is all Nessa says. Clever girl, that one.

She scoots past us toward the bathroom. “Let’s take a peek at your accommodations. Heart-shaped jacuzzi tub. Heart-shaped bed. All the soaps are–"

"Let me take a wild guess," Amy interrupts. "Heart-shaped?"

"Right.” She backs out of the bathroom. “Let’s run through the timeline and your choices for the ceremony.”

“Choices?” I ask.

“Packages,” she replies. “You’ve got the Classic Cupid, the Vow Vroom, the Ring-a-Ding-Ding, and the one we recommend is the Heart-on,” Nessa finishes flatly. "That's what we booked for you, but we can change it right now if you would prefer."

Amy chokes. “You’re kidding.”

“Nope,” she says with a flight attendant's smile. “It comes with complimentary massage oil and a heart-shaped cake.”

"Nice!" Now I'm really getting excited.

“It’s their signature scent,” Nessa adds with the tone of someone who died inside ten minutes ago. “Red velvet. And regret.”

"The massage oil, or the cake?"

"Both."

I look around the room. Red wallpaper covers the walls. Textured. With cherubs.

Amy leans into me. “This is the inside of a Victoria’s Secret gift bag. On acid.”

“Ye say that like it’s a bad thing.”

Nessa leads us back out into the hallway. Our floor smells like rose petals and candy floss. There’s a harpist in the corner, playing a slow version of “Can’t Help Falling in Love” while seated under a pink neon sign that reads CONSUMMATE WITH CONFIDENCE .

Amy whimpers.

The room’s key is a plastic heart.

Heart-shaped tub. Heart-shaped bed. Heart-shaped window .

We head back into the room. There’s a Champagne bottle in a swan-shaped ice bucket, two robes embroidered with MR. and MRS., and a pink plush throw pillow that says BITE ME WHEN NEEDED.

Nessa surveys the suite like she’s calculating the downward trajectory of her career.

“Let the desk know if you need extra towels.”

Amy spins in a circle, arms stiff at her sides.

“This is so over the top. I love it!” I tell her.

She turns to face me, narrowing her eyes.

“Shall we unpack?” I ask, slipping an arm around her waist.

Amy sighs. “I swear to God, Hamish McCormick, if I find a Cupid in the mini-fridge, I’m throwing you off the balcony.”

“Romance is violence. Noted.”

God help me, I love this town.

"We’ll take the Heart-on," I tell Nessa, who fails to make eye contact. She flicks her wrist to check something off on a form.

"Hamish," Amy warns.

"Excellent. Now, let's move on to the ceremony. It's better to get the details sorted now, so you two can have time to yourselves before your big moment."

“Do we get ta pick a theme?” I ask, giddy.

Amy winces. “Oh, God.”

“Yes,” Nessa replies, flipping the page. “Here are your ceremony options.”

She clears her throat, tone so forced, I can hear her dignity silently weeping in her vowels.

“Option one: The Passionate Plunge . That’s the water-themed outdoor ceremony, complete with heart-shaped rafts, waterproof vows, and souvenir beach towels that say We Got Wet in Love You, Maine .”

Amy makes a strangled noise.

I clap. “That sounds amazin’!”

Nessa continues without blinking. “Option two: Cupid’s Carousel . You and your partner exchange vows while riding carved pink horses on the town’s antique carousel. The officiant rides a swan.”

“Do we get ta pick the animal on the carousel?” I ask, nearly busting with joy. "Are there moose? Please tell me they have pink moose.”

“I will research that. And good question about the moose. I'm guessing not, because of the brain-injured horny one.”

"I injured ma knee, no' ma head."

Nessa's composure falters at that, and she reddens. "Hamish, I wasn't talking about you."

"Then who’s the horny, brain-damaged bastard yer insulting?"

"A moose," she says slowly. "A real one." She flips through some pages on the clipboard. "Here it is. Randy. Humps cars."

"I've never been that desperate," I joke.

"I'd imagine humping a car would be scrunchy in places," Amy says with an evil grin.

I shut my mouth.

Amy turns her attention back to Nessa. "There's a full-grown moose in town that humps cars?"

"And dumpsters, this says. Small trailers. Once, the Oscar Mayer wienermobile."

This place just gets better and better.

“Amy, can we look at real estate on our honeymoon? Because I want ta live here."

“Third,” Nessa drones on, “ Till Death Do Us Heart . Gothic Valentine’s-themed graveyard wedding at dusk. Includes black roses, complimentary black eyeliner for both of you, and a crow named Steve.”

“Steve?” Amy whispers.

“He’s union,” Nessa deadpans.

I can't breathe.

Amy sits on the other half of the heart bed, hands in her hair. “I am questioning all my choices.”

I reach for her hand. “Even me?”

She exhales through her nose. “Only about forty percent of the time.”

Nessa flips another page. “Then there’s the deluxe Vow Me Tender package. Ceremony actually in the hot springs. You float on a tandem love raft while a string quartet plays underwater."

"Underwater?" Amy gives her a look.

"That's what it says," Nessa replies with a shrug. "That one’s the local favorite. Comes with heart-shaped earplugs.”

“Oh, for f—” Amy rubs her temples.

I lean toward Nessa, whispering, “How d’ye keep a straight face?”

“Lots of box breathing,” she replies without missing a beat.

Archie pops his head back in the door. “No moose. Just a guy in an astronaut suit who claims to be pulling poison ivy by hand. I've got him on my watch list.” He sees Amy’s expression and backs out again.

Nessa smoothes her clipboard. “You’re also welcome to tour the Drive-Thru Chapel. And they have a Love Sauna. It’s just a regular sauna but the steam smells like cinnamon hearts and shame.”

Amy looks up at the ceiling. “Why? Why did we come here?”

I stretch out on the bed, propping my hands behind my head, admiring the mirror above.

“Because ye love me.”

Amy points a single, trembling finger at the swan-shaped waste basket.

“I think it just blinked.”

Nessa turns and makes her way to the door.

“I’ll give you two a moment. Let me know when you’re ready to choose your wedding soundtrack. Options include ‘Let’s Stay Together,’ ‘WAP’ (edited), and ‘My Heart Will Go On (Kazoo Version)’.”

The door clicks shut behind her.

Amy whispers, “Katie is dead to me.”

“Say the word,” I say, “and we’ll have a ceremony ridin’ pink goats while a bagpiper plays ‘Baby Got Back.’”

Amy covers her eyes, but she’s smiling.

And I swear to God, I’ve never loved her more.

"Let's make these decisions quick, pet, so we can get to the fun part."

"We have to wait for the license."

"That's no’ the fun part I'm talking about. We're sittin' on a heart-shaped bed. I'd like a fine view o' yer heart-shaped arse, riding me. Let's do reverse cowgirl."

She bats her eyelashes. "I'm saving myself for marriage."

"It's a bit late for that, though I am honored I'll be yer one and only. Which means I take ma responsibility verra, verra seriously."

"Responsibility?"

"To give you no' just ma depth, but ma breadth of abilities. We've made love in eight states and four countries now, pet. Let's add Maine to the list."

"Five."

"Excuse me?"

"Five countries. That blowjob in the airport bathroom in Luxembourg counts."

Who couldn't love this woman to pieces?

Tap tap tap

Nessa’s back.

"Sorry, but I'd love to get all your orders in, and then I can give you as much privacy as you need. The harrowing ordeal of your mothers is over." Her smile is genuine. "I've arranged for the minister you requested, too. He's just arrived."

"Matt Draper?" Amy asks. "This was so last minute, I wasn't sure he could make it."

The smile on Nessa's face gets brighter, and suddenly I remember why she seems familiar.

"Ye’re God's Gift's girlfriend!"

"Say that five times fast," Amy challenges. But I know I'm right when Nessa blushes a bit.

"I hope we're not crossing professional boundaries," she begins slowly, deliberately altering her speaking pace. "But yes, Matt's my boyfriend–well, fiancé now."

"Ach, how fine!" And good to know the man's commited.

"And you pulled some strings so he could join you up here for a few days while you both work," Amy says, connecting the dots. "Genius!"

"Really?" She perks up. "You don't mind?"

"Why would we?" Amy replies. "Makes sense, even. Saves the cost of a hotel room."

"Exactly! And Matt was so excited. He loves this town." Nessa looks like she’s mewing.

The way Amy's face falls is a sitcom moment in and of itself.

"Perhaps tomorrow ," I stress, "the four of us can go out fer a drink? Ye’re our handler, he's our minister. It would be fun fer us but a work occasion fer you two."

"We'd love it, not work at all!" She beams, her hesitation disappearing. "Bilbee's Tavern is the closest thing to a Scottish pub you'll find around here. They even have darts."

"Sounds grand." I can feel my need for Amy racing through my blood like a rock climber scaling a ledge, getting close to the peak. "Let's get that paperwork out of the way so we can all relax."

Five minutes later, it's settled:

The Heart-on for our accommodations.

The Passionate Plunge for our wedding ceremony.

Matt Draper will officiate.

"That's it?" Amy asks. "Now we just wait for the license?"

"For you two? Yes. For Archie and me?" Nessa says, "We're on duty. Your mothers are starting to figure out something's going on."

"Oh, no. How do you know?" Amy asks.

My heart–and a half inch of my cock–sink.

"Fiona got wind that her order to cancel did not actually lead to you canceling the wedding. Once she figured that out, she refused to let 'the coo' get her way on everything, so now she's calling Katie and asking her to make everything as 'true Scottish' as possible."

"What does that mean?" Amy asks me.

"I'm aboot as Scottish as they come, so as long as I'm there, it's a true Scottish wedding. Nae idea."

"Meanwhile, Marie keeps calling Farmington and no one has put down the deposit." She smiles tightly. "Apparently, someone at Farmington explained that only members can reserve weddings there."

"Oh, no!" Amy gasps.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

"Marie called James McCormick and asked him, as a member at Farmington, to reserve your wedding spot for you."

"AH GOD!" I choke out. "Ta be beholden ta Uncle James is no fun."

"It's a bit more complicated than that," Nessa says, not elaborating. We wait a few beats, Amy's anticipation growing, until her eyes practically bug out of her cute blond head.

"What else did Mom do?"

"It's not what Marie did. It's that James McCormick called Katie Gallagher Cooper to inquire about the situation."

"Wow," Amy and I say in unison.

I peer at Nessa. "I didna ken Uncle James cares sae much about ma wedding."

Nessa just smiles politely. "Anyhow, we strongly advise you not to spend any money you don't need to. If you were trying to evade for weeks on end, or even months, we'd make different recommendations."

"I don't mind spending money as a cover," Amy says, her strategic mind engaged.

"It's not just the money. You're taking a spot away from another couple," Nessa clarifies.

"Months?" I ask. "Ye have couples who lie to their parents for months? "

"We have clients who have secret weddings and keep that secret for years, with their parents throwing a parallel wedding later, never knowing it's not the real one."

"Huh. We coulda tried that, Amy." I nudge her. "Just let each mum have her way."

"They would have fought over who went first," Nessa leaps in quickly, just as Amy's about to speak.

"You read my mind!" Amy squeaks. "Mom would never let Fiona go first."

"I canna wait ta have our first child. Mum willna only expect ta be in the delivery room and be the first ta touch the bairn, she'll want ta be the first ta breastfeed it."

Amy and Nessa share a look so filled with horror, it could have been directed by Ari Aster.

"That was a joke," I add hastily, but... was it?

"Well," Nessa says with grace, "I'll leave you two to enjoy your evening. The inn has room service, but other than coffee and breakfast, I'd recommend the smaller restaurants and coffee shops in town. Dinner at The Food Alchemist is a must. I can make reservations if you like."

"What about true Maine flavor?" I ask. "I like the good places, but the local spots are where the fun is."

"Deke's," she says instantly. "Deke's Service Station and Breakfast Diner."

"Do they clip your dog's toenails, too?" Amy asks dryly.

"I know, right?" Nessa agrees. “On Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

“That was a joke.”

Nessa shrugs. “But it's a local favorite. Same with the baseball team."

"Let me guess," Amy says. "The Love You Hearts?"

"Close! The Love You Cupids. It’s the off season or I’d secure tickets for you.”

Amy snorts. "I'm guessing it's not like trying to score Fenway seats."

"Ah, no," Nessa demurs. "They're $6 each and come with a free popcorn."

"My dad would love that," Amy says, but her smile falters a bit. I know where this is going. It's one thing to want to do this on our own terms, defying our mothers and their wedding planning to do the deed privately, with our own minister, in this funny little town.

But reality is hitting her. Jason won't walk her down the aisle. He won't give her away. Shannon and Carol won't be in her bridal party.

"Thank ye, Nessa. I'm sure ye have other work ta do," I say, sending a clear signal that she picks up instantly. With a little wave, she departs, leaving us to do what we came here to do.

Shag.

Yes, get married, but shagging's a close second.

And right this moment, it's number one.