Page 31 of Seven Nights with the Wicked Duke (Regency Beasts #3)

W hen Cecilia had first sat down at her desk to curate her infamous scandalous list, she had only thought of it as a chance good time. A way for her to experience things that she had never been able to, because of the secluded life she was forced to live.

Somehow, with the naivety of an untried virgin, she had thought that she could manage to perform all the tasks on the list without her heart getting involved.

Perhaps she might have successfully achieved that, if she had been involved with another man.

She had not understood what she had signed up for when she had agreed to allow Theo lead her down the path of scandal.

No, that was not really true.

She had suspected.

Of course, she had.

He was Theo, the Duke of Emerton. One of the most charming rakes of the ton . Perhaps, if he were just another rake, she might have had a fighting chance, but it was him.

Theo, who had been the first man she had felt attracted to as a woman.

Perhaps, she might have forgotten over the years that he avoided her, but she had always been reminded of that dratted attraction.

The way her body heated and shivered in his presence.

The way his proximity aroused her without even trying.

She had convinced herself that it was a normal reaction to an attractive man.

But even as she told herself that, it sounded hollow, her mind echoing with the wrongness of that statement.

When he had offered to help her complete her list, she had seen it for the dangerous temptation that it was.

But the wanton in her wanted him in a way that went beyond common sense, so she went even against her best ideas.

From the first moment he kissed her, she’d understood the reason why she needed him.

She craved the way he was able to elicit electrifying pleasure from her with a simple touch.

She craved the rapture that she felt in his arms, kissing him.

She found herself longing for the next time she could spend in his arms.

Slowly it became an addiction, one that she felt no inclination to resist. How could she, when this was what she had wanted for so long?

Knowing Magnus and his mercurial temper, all hell was going to break loose when he found out about their illicit assignations.

While she liked to assure herself that she was careful, she knew also that she was no professional at sneaking about and it was only a matter of time before her brother caught them.

Perhaps she did want him to catch them. Perhaps it was the threat of discovery that made their affair exciting and intensely addicting.

Whatever fear she had about the possibility of ruination melted away in his arms. So much so that she found it difficult to leave when the sun rose, mourning the loss of his warmth and presence.

The saner part of her mind reminded her that their affairs or lessons, whatever it was, would end soon, and she would be thrust back into her boring life.

Only now she would be saddled with a husband with no possibility of escape.

Perhaps it was that sense of coming grief that made her seek him at night, even when it was beyond reckless to do so.

But with every day she spent with Hector, it felt like the cage that she was living in was closing in slowly, so close to smothering her.

She completely avoided talking about Hector whenever they met.

It was almost as if they were ignoring the inevitable, because on paper, the viscount was a perfect husband for her, just not the one she wanted.

Reminding him of the temporary nature of their relationship would mean the possible end of the fiery passion they shared, and she wanted to hold on for as long as she could. Fate had other plans of course.

He found out.

He was livid.

She knew that was the moment she should have let him go, but he was so deep in her mind, it was physically painful to stay away for him.

So she went to him, held on to him even when rebuffed her, consoled him, and allowed herself to fall back into passion that resided just beneath the surface whenever they were together.

She allowed it even when she was aware that it bonded them even more, even though she was supposed to pulling away from him.

Her obsession with Theo had ruined her for other men, and frankly, she did not think it was fair to Hector to wed a woman who was madly in love with another man.

But perhaps Hector might not mind. He had never professed love to her. He had said a number of times that he admired her, maybe even cared for her. He had never said he loved her. That was not surprising, of course.

Most marriages of the ton were built on mutual tolerance. Once, she had been resigned to settle for such a match. That was until Theo.

He might have never professed love for her, but she loved him. He would probably laugh in her face if she professed this love for him. That was the reason why she was going to keep it a secret.

Yes, her heart ached that he might never return her feelings, but they had passion. That was enough, she was going to make it enough. Her love alone would be enough for them both.

Her thoughts alone told her how lost she was. It was funny how she had no wish to be found. But while she might have been ready to settle for half a man, if he was Theo, the man in question wanted no part of her.

No, that was not true.

He desired her. She was sure of it. Unfortunately, it seemed that even the passion they shared was not enough for him to form an attachment to her.

She did not know why she was surprised. The Duke of Emerton was a rake who had unlimited access to the most exotic women across England and even beyond.

Perhaps it was delusional to think he might settle for a naive English lady who knew little about sensual passion.

But even knowing it was the truth did not make it any less painful.

"Cecilia," Magnus's voice came, jolting her from her reverie.

They were sitting at the dining table for dinner and she had been twirling her spoon in her soup bowl absentmindedly, and Magnus had been trying to call her attention.

He must have been calling her for a while, because he stared at her with concern.

Eyes just like hers, piercing her, watching her like he could see inside her brain.

Perhaps it was best that he had no such powers, if he did, she was sure that they would not be sitting quietly at the dining table. After all, no elder brother wanted to sit across his sister at the dining table, while she entertained lustful thoughts about his friend.

Apart from the fact that Magnus was sure to lose his composure, there was also the fact that he would promptly lose his appetite.

"My apologies, brother. Could you repeat what you just said?"

"Would you be kind enough to pass the salt? I have been asking you for that for the past minute. Your mind seems to have wandered. What is wrong?" he asked, his brow creasing with concern, even as he extended his hand to accept the saltshaker from her.

"My apologies, brother. I promise you I wasn't ignoring you. I was just thinking," she replied, forcing a smile.

"Whatever thoughts you were having, they were definitely not happy ones. What ails you, Cee? Perhaps I can be of help," he prodded, as he added the salt to his soup, before scooping into his mouth. His eyes fixed on hers.

It would be so easy to tell him, to bare her heart to him. To tell him how much she loved his friend, and wanted nothing more than to marry him. She could tell him that she did not want to marry Hector, even though he had thought they were perfect match.

Unfortunately she could not. All too clearly, she could imagine Magnus leaving this night on horseback to go and confront Theo.

While Theo might be the more laid-back one amongst his friends, he also had an ego, one that was easily bruised.

It was likely that they would clash. Being men, the aggravating lot that they could be, they would likely arrange a duel.

In the end, she would lose both her brother and her lover.

One dead and one forced into exile, the police authorities forever chasing after him to have him locked in the smelly, brutal jails at Newgate.

Cecilia shuddered at the thought. She would rather endure the pain of unrequited love than lose either her brother or her lover. Since she was not quite interested in that sort of suffering, she had to find another way.

"The viscount sent a missive around earlier. He wishes to take you to Gunter's for ice cream tomorrow at noon," Magnus informed her after swallowing a bite of his food.

And there was the crux of her problem, before she thought of how best to fix the mess that was her attachment to Theo. She had to let Hector go, for both his own good and hers.

The problem was how to broach the subject to Magnus.

How did one explain to her brother that the man she had told him she liked was no longer her choice as a partner?

While she had started this whole charade to rebel against Magnus and his rigid hold on her life, she had never set out to hurt him.

This unfortunately would disappoint him.

He had made quite a number of sacrifices to ensure that she had an appropriate courtship with the viscount.

He definitely had hopes for their wedding and she was not one to waste the effort of others.

While it might be an unpleasant task, this had to be done.

Her happiness was more important than Magnus's mood. He would get over it eventually.

"You are not eating, Cecilia. I am now very convinced that something is wrong," he said, his brow knitting with deepening concern.

"Does this have something to do with the viscount?

You know you can tell me if you do not want to marry him?

" he said dropping his cutlery, clasping his hands together so he could give her his full attention.

It would be too easy to tell him the truth, of how miserable she would be if she married the viscount, but for some reason, Cecilia could not find the courage to speak the words that stuck in her throat.

Taking a more thorough look at Magnus, she realized suddenly that he looked exhausted.

He had most likely stayed up night to settle the household accounts, and had made the effort to come down to have dinner with her, even though he could have ordered for his meal to be brought up to his rooms. He had dragged his tired body to the table, because it was their tradition and he knew how much she hated having meals alone.

Instead of an engaging companion, he was stuck with a sister who had her mind wandering the whole meal.

Instead of being angry, he was concerned for her. He was always this way, strict and authoritative one minute, concerned and tender the next. Now when she thought about it, it was probably the soldier and parental parts of his personality clashing.

While it was easy to criticize Magnus for being rigid while he raised her, she knew that it had not been easy for him, returning home from such a brutal war, battered, injured in more ways than the eye could see, only to find that he was saddled with the responsibility of raising his little sister.

While she might have resented him, she understood the strength that was required from him to be able to do that without breaking apart.

It was definitely not easy performing parental duties while battling one's demons for his own sanity, but he had done it the best way he could with no reward, nothing except for her accusations and resentment.

She could not burden him with her troubles once more.

She would tell him eventually.

Not today.

Someday.

"I am fine," she said with a smile. "It has nothing to do with the viscount, I still think of him as a good suitor. I have no fear of our compatibility."

A bald-faced lie

"I just have a bit of a headache, that is all," she added, turning her gaze to her plate, forcing the cold meat past her mouth.

She might be lying through her teeth, but the obvious relaxation that visibly flowed through Magnus's body was worth it.

The man was stressed enough, there was no reason for her to ruin it.

This was one of the reasons why she needed to marry and leave their home soon.

While she enjoyed living with her brother, she could not countenance being an extra burden on his already heavily-laden shoulders.

It definitely was not easy to be the duke to such a large dukedom.

While it might be an enviable position for some, she knew firsthand just how difficult it could be while battling emotional wounds that haunted his night sleep.

She refused to be the younger sister that added to his torture.

"Perhaps you should eat, and go and find your bed and get some rest," Magnus suggested, watching her intently.

She nodded.

"I could say the same for you as well. You look exhausted."

"Pay no mind to me. I stayed up a little late yesterday to study the house accounts," he replied with a rueful smile.

"A spot of sleep would do you good. It would refresh you. I urge you to take your rest," she replied.

"I will do so, Cee." he said rising, after finishing his food. "Good night, Cecilia," he said with a nod, striding to the stairs that would take him to his bedroom in the west wing.

She sat at the dining table for quite some time, forcing the food past her lips, even though it tasted like sawdust on her tongue.

When she was finally done eating, she walked up slowly to her bedroom, surrendering herself to the ministrations of her maid as she helped her change into her night rail and get into bed.

Long after her maid had left, taking the last candle with her, Cecilia remained awake, staring at her surroundings and just as her mind was wont to do when it was unoccupied, her mind turned to Theo.

As time went by, and the house became quieter, signaling that the servants were retiring for the night, Cecilia felt that familiar pull of temptation. She had no business entertaining thoughts of visiting him, not when he had rejected her so soundly the night before.

But she ached, and there was only one person who could ease that ache.

One more time.

Surely even if her time with him was coming to an end, even if she was doomed to marry a man that she did not love, she deserved one more night of freedom.

It was ironic that she felt the freest when she was in Theo's arms.