Page 49 of Scarlet Vows

What the fuck was I thinking? And how the fuck did I ever think this whole experience, from the wedding to being married to me for a year, could be good?

Yes, it was all her idea.

But I could have told her no.

I could have sweet-talked her out of it.

But I wanted this, deep down.

That thought vibrates inside me like I’ve struck some kind of chord. Does that make me selfish, a worse person than I clearly am, to go and structure everything to fit a narrative of poor Ilya, stuck in a hard place, doing the right thing by helping her and letting her bulldoze me because she insisted she wanted this?

I’m not fucking weak.

I’m not an idiot.

I know the score, and I should have understood the toll it would have on Alina.

I finish the drink.

The hall beckons to me again, and I pour some more whiskey into my glass and go back out, like her bedroom’s a siren.

Maybe I should talk to her.

Maybe some soothing words, checking up on her, offering her more freedom will work. We can tell Demyan she wantsto help me here, be the liaison between the two bratvas, and that all came about by her not wanting to stay in the mansion alone…

I head back into the study, quickly grab another glass and the bottle, then climb the stairs. I set everything down by her door then raise a hand to knock.

And stop.

I step back.

No thin band of light shows beneath the space at the bottom of the heavy door. But to walk away is cowardly… That is, to walk away without trying.

So I knock softly, loud enough so she can hear if she’s awake, but soft enough it won’t disturb her slumber.

“Alina?”

I wait.

Listening.

The quiet of the mansion’s a misnomer. Like all old places, even though I suspect it’s newer than it seems, it sighs and creaks.

But then I hear her.

She’s awake.

Crying softly. A sniffle breaks through like she can’t contain it, and it sends spiderweb cracks over my heart.

I almost knock again, but I don’t. She’d have heard me. So I wait, hoping she’ll answer, hoping she’ll let me in.

She doesn’t.

But if I walk off, then I’m a coward. If I demand she open the door, I’m a demon.

So instead, I offer an olive branch.

“Alina, I’m here. I’ll be on the floor below, either in the study or the bedroom opposite. If you need me, any time, please don’t hesitate to wake me.”