Page 28

Chapter Thirteen

I t was over.

The last of the guests had gone, the director of the museum was locking up and Bella was standing alone in the dark deserted alley, waiting for Will and summoning up the strength to say goodbye. The exhibition had been a raging success and the collection was en route to Paris.

Whereas she, Bella thought wretchedly, was en route to a lifetime of misery.

She'd never imagined that the end of their affair would be so excruciatingly painful. She'd never imagined that every fibre of her being could hurt, that her heart could physically ache. But it was. It was aching so much that it made her knees tremble and her bones feel like rubber.

Because somewhere along the line, despite everything she knew about him, how pointless it was, she'd fallen in love with Will. Head-over-heels, stomach-flipping-with-every-smile in love with him.

Will was everything she'd ever wanted. And a whole lot more. Over the last wonderful couple of weeks, they'd talked, laughed and had endless sex, and as she'd tumbled into love with him like a pebble in an avalanche she hadn't stood a chance.

How could she ever have thought she'd be immune to him? she thought desolately. She had no defences whatsoever where he was concerned. They'd crumbled to dust long ago, leaving her open and exposed and so very vulnerable.

Bella huddled into her coat as if that might somehow protect her from the pain as well as the cold.

Oh, she really shouldn't have come this evening.

What had she been thinking? When Will had invited her to the exhibition's closing party earlier this afternoon she should have said no.

She should have picked up her clothes, given him a cool goodbye kiss and left with dignity.

But the thought of spending another couple of hours with him before they separated for good had been too heart-wrenchingly tempting to resist, and she'd given in, even though she'd known that she'd only be prolonging the agony.

Now the party was over and so was their affair.

As they'd agreed.

But did it really have to be?

Bella froze as the thought slammed into her head and her heart began to thud with something that felt suspiciously like hope. As it had done relentlessly over the last few days. And then she ruthlessly wiped it out because of course it had to be over and she was an idiot to yearn for anything else.

She stamped her feet and watched Will come out of the museum and walk towards her, aware that all they had left were a few minutes and feeling her heart wobble.

He stood in front of her and she wrapped her arms around her waist to stop herself reaching up and tracing his face with her fingers in an effort to commit it to memory.

'So this is it,' she said, fixing an overly bright smile to her face to compensate for the crack in her voice.

Will looked down at her, his eyes guarded and expression completely unreadable. 'I guess it is.'

'It's been…fun.'

He nodded. 'It has.'

A couple of seconds of silence fell and Bella's heart twisted. This was awful. After all the time they'd spent together, everything they'd done, they'd been reduced to polite small talk as if they were awkward strangers.

'Will I see you at Alex and Phoebe's wedding?' she said.

'It's unlikely. I'm flying home tomorrow. I don't know when I'll be back.'

'Right.' She frowned and bit her lip and focused her gaze on the banner bearing the museum's name that hung from a flagpole and fluttered in the breeze.

'I hope you find what you're looking for, Bella,' he murmured and she could feel his gaze roaming over her face.

Her vision blurred and she blinked to clear it, her whole body clenching in agony. Because she'd already found it, hadn't she? 'You too.'

He reached out and ran a finger down her cheek and she trembled. And then he was pulling her against him, wrapping his arms around her and crushing his mouth to hers.

With her heart banging crazily against her ribs, Bella clutched at his shirt, melted into him and completely lost herself in the kiss that was hot and devastating and, she had the sensation, filled with everything that he couldn't, or wouldn't, say.

But even as that last thought spun through her head Will was drawing back and unwinding himself from her. Without another word he turned on his heel and strode off, head down with his hands thrust deep in his pockets.

Bella stood there, her heart thumping, her stomach churning and her body on fire as she watched him march out of her life.

Her head pounded as questions and hopes and dreams began to bombard her on all sides.

Was she really going to leave it like this?

To be haunted by that kiss and what it might have meant?

Never knowing how Will really felt about her?

Never knowing if things might have changed for him, the way they had for her?

Never knowing if he was holding back because of what he thought she wanted?

She couldn't. She had to see… She had to take a chance… With her blood roaring in her ears, Bella took a deep breath and ran after him. 'Will, wait.'

Will barely broke his stride.

'Wait,' she yelled again, and then he gradually slowed, stopped and turned to face her.

'What?' he said, his voice sounding strained and hoarse and his face set.

Light from the street lamp cast shadows across the planes of his face and her heart clutched with longing. Bella swallowed and looked up at him, knowing that her eyes were shimmering with hope but unable to wipe it out. 'Does this really have to be the end?'

Will's jaw was tight, but his eyes burned. 'You know it does.'

'Why?'

'Because it's for the best.'

Bella took a deep breath. She didn't want platitudes. She wanted honesty, even if he didn't. 'I'm not so sure it is.'

He frowned, shook his head faintly as if warning her not to do this, that pursuing this would only lead to heartbreak. Her heartbreak.

But now she'd started she couldn't stop, whatever the probable outcome. 'The thing is,' she said, lifting her chin, her blood pounding in her ears as she put her heart in his hands, 'I've fallen in love with you.'

For a moment there was silence. Will blinked. Paled a fraction beneath his tan. 'I see.'

His voice was totally devoid of emotion and Bella felt as if she'd been punched in the stomach. 'Is that all you have to say?'

'What else is there?'

She took a deep breath to silence the voice in her head yelling at her to stop. To save herself from more unfathomable anguish. 'How about telling me that you love me too?'

He froze, and she could see great barriers springing up all round him. 'I can't do that.'

'Why not?' she said, her voice cracking.

'I just can't.'

And never would.

The words remained unspoken, but Bella could see it in his eyes and the pain that scythed through her nearly floored her. Her heart lay crushed and bleeding in his hands and to her horror her throat closed over and tears pricked the backs of her eyes.

She gulped. Fought for dignity as she wondered how he had the power to do this to her. How he could willingly and cold-bloodedly do this to her, because he must know he was destroying her, mustn't he? As that knowledge tortured her something inside her leapt up and obliterated her self-control.

'You know what?' she said, all the frustration and pain and crushing disappointment hurtling around her in a great mighty seething mass. 'This aversion to commitment you have is bollocks.'

Will recoiled as if she'd slapped him in the face. 'What?'

'Being alone isn't good,' she said, her eyes flashing and her body shaking as she took a step closer and jabbed him in the chest. 'Being alone isn't clever.'

'Nevertheless it's my only option.'

'But why?'

'Betrayal is in my genes.' His voice was tight.

Her eyebrows shot up as she stared at him. 'Do you really believe that?'

'How can I believe anything else?'

She gaped at him, for a moment too stunned to know how to respond.

And then she really saw red. She didn't care that they were standing in a cold dark cobbled street.

She didn't care who heard them. As long as he did.

'What complete and utter rubbish,' she said.

'If genetics ruled, I'd have followed my mother into a life of crime instead of establishing a successful totally legitimate business. '

'Well, maybe you're more like your father, whoever he was.'

'And maybe you're not,' she fired back.

The vibrating silence stretched between them. 'Who do you resemble, Will?' she said eventually.

He threw her a furious scowl. 'That's irrelevant.'

As she thought. 'You know this is absolutely insane. You aren't only your father's son. You're your mother's too. So why should his genes outweigh hers?'

For a long moment Will didn't say anything, but his face was tight.

And then something inside him seemed to collapse.

His shoulders fell, the anger faded from his expression and his eyes filled with something that made her heart clench.

'It really doesn't matter,' he said hoarsely. 'I'm not willing to take the risk.'

'What risk?'

'That I might hurt you.'

But couldn't he see that he was hurting her right now?

That he was pulling her heart apart piece by tiny piece?

She wanted to thump him on the chest, claw at his skin and hurt him as much as he was hurting her.

'You are not your father, Will, and I am not your mother.

God, I'm not even my mother.' She threw her hands up and let out a short bitter laugh.

'I can't believe you're letting this still dictate your life.

Just because your ancestors were unfaithful it doesn't automatically follow that you will be too. '

'Doesn't it?' he grated, his eyes glittering.

'Of course not. God,' she said, summoning up her anger to block out the hurt. 'You're one of the most intelligent people I've ever met so why are you being so pig-headed about this?'

'Because I was,' he practically roared, the words sounding as if they'd been torn from somewhere deep, deep inside him.

Bella froze. Her eyebrows shot up and her mouth dropped. 'What?'

Will sighed, took a step back and raked his hands through his hair. 'I was unfaithful, Bella. Only once. But it was enough.'

Bella stared at him in complete shock. 'When?'

'Years ago. When I was twenty-three.'

'But why? What happened?'

He twisted away from her. 'I don't really want to talk about it.'

'Well, that's tough,' she said, moving back into his line of vision. 'Because I do. I've just told you I love you. The very least you can give me is an explanation as to why you can't do the same.'

'There isn't a lot to explain.'

'Then it shouldn't take long.'

'Fine,' he said through gritted teeth. 'I had a girlfriend. I was unfaithful to her. End of story.'

Definitely not the end of the story. 'Why?'

He glanced at her and frowned. 'What difference does that make?'

'It makes all the difference in the world, because I don't believe you'd sleep with someone else for the sake of it.'

Despite currently behaving like a stubborn idiot, he had far too much integrity. If he had been unfaithful then there must have been a very good reason for it.

Will shoved his hands through his hair. 'Tania and I went out for around six months.

She was bipolar. Not that either of us knew then.

In my naiveté I thought she had one of those extreme personalities.

When she was on a high it was thrilling and I was only too happy to go along for the ride.

' He shrugged. 'But then she started behaving strangely.

Going off on her own and drinking more. For a while I thought it might have had something to do with me. '

He gave her a melancholic little smile and her heart twanged. 'It couldn't have been you.'

'I know. At the time, though, I didn't know what to believe. My mother had just died and my father started being difficult, not that that's any excuse. Anyway, the depression spiralled out of control so swiftly… I guess I didn't know how to cope. I just sort of unravelled.'

Bella's throat stung. 'You were young.'

Will sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. 'Not that young. I should have been able to handle it. Instead, after one particularly harrowing weekend I went to a bar, drank myself into oblivion and woke up in a stranger's bed.'

And he was still riddled with guilt. It was in his eyes and in his expression. 'What happened after that?'

'I immediately went round to her flat and confessed everything.'

'And?'

'We split up. She moved in with her parents and I went to the Cayman Islands.'

'Did you ever see her again?'

Will nodded. 'A couple of years later we met up for a drink when I was here for a conference. We talked. She'd got a lot better and told me she didn't blame me. That she'd have probably done the same if the roles had been reversed.'

Bella tilted her head and wished there were something she could say to take away the guilt and the torment filling his eyes. 'Everyone makes mistakes, Will. Especially when they're young.'

'Yes, but not quite like the one I made.'

She tilted her head. 'Well, no. But you don't seriously think you'd do it again, do you?'

His expression turned bleak. 'It's not a risk I'm prepared to take.'

Bella's heart wobbled as the world seemed to stop turning for a moment. 'Ever?'

'Ever.'

'Then I feel sorry for you. Because based on a very specific set of circumstances that took place years ago you're depriving yourself of the chance to find true happiness. And that's a tragedy.'

His jaw was set, his expression implacable. 'How can you say that with such certainty? How can you can believe in love and faith and happily ever after when you've never had it?'

'Because I'm an optimist. Because I know it's out there and I've seen it. And because I don't let my past rule my life. I don't run and hide when my demons leap in front of me.'

Will shrugged and his eyes went bleak. 'Then you're stronger than I am.'

That was ridiculous. She'd never seen strength like his and to see him not want to fight for them was agonising.

'She forgave you, Will,' Bella said, silently pleading with him to give them a chance. 'Why can't you forgive yourself?'

'I just can't.'

And with those three words all her hopes and dreams crashed to the ground, smashing into smithereens at her feet while her heart splintered into a million pieces.

'I see,' she said, somehow managing to pull her shoulders back and give him a shaky smile because she couldn't let herself fall apart in front of him. 'So this really is it.'

He nodded. 'It really is.'