Page 15 of Saving Meadow (The Next Generation #1)

The Filler

S omething was working behind Nick’s eyes.

The rest of the world had fallen away, and he was deep in thought.

It was interesting to watch; he looked like he was putting a puzzle together in his mind.

Every few seconds his brow scrunched, then he’d relax, and the corner of his mouth would pull down.

My favorite was when he was concentrating extra hard; he’d bite the corner of his bottom lip.

I picked up my abandoned pizza and took a bite, nudging his knee. “Hungry?” I laughed.

“Yeah, sorry. What’s funny?”

“You. Has anyone ever told you, you make funny faces when you’re thinking? ”

“I do?” he laughed. “No. No one has ever told me that. Sorry. I didn’t mean to space out on you.”

“It’s okay. Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

Nick picked up his pizza and took a bite while I gathered my thoughts. I wasn’t sure how to ask without sounding like a silly teenager, but not knowing was driving me crazy.

“Why did you tell Beth you were my boyfriend?” I rushed out.

“Honestly?” He put his pizza on the plate and set it on the coffee table.

“Yeah.”

I wished I hadn’t asked the question. Here was the part where he told me that he only said it to stick up for me.

Beth was a bully and, of course, someone like Nick would want to put her in her place.

But somewhere deep inside of my belly butterflies had taken flight when he said he was my boyfriend.

It was stupid. I had no chance with a man like Nick, regardless if he said he wanted to kiss me and he’d said I was beautiful.

I knew my place. There was no way I’d be able to keep him, and I didn’t know if my heart would survive when it ended.

“I said it for two reasons. The most important one is I want to get to know you. I want to take you out on a date and show you off before I bring you home and kiss you. I want to watch movies and eat pizza at home while I listen to you tell me stories about your childhood. I want things with you, I’ve never wanted with another woman.

If that needs to be labeled as your boyfriend?

I’m good with that – more than good actually.

I don’t want to freak you out, we’ll go slow and take our time, but Meadow Holiday, there is something about you that has made this whole other side of me come alive.

I can’t explain why - it just is what it is.

I’m smart enough to know not to fight it and aware enough to know you’re going to fight it every step of the way.

I’m ready for the battle, even if that means I have to go to war with what’s swirling around inside your head.

I’ll fight for you, for us, for you to give us a chance. That’s all I need, a chance.”

I was most definitely still under hypnosis. I’d asked him before if he was real, if I was awake, and he told me he was but – I had to be dreaming.

No one had ever wanted to fight for me, not even before my attack.

Sure, I’d had dates, men had found me attractive, but there was no deep connection.

Not that I’d ever felt. Since the day I’d woke up in the hospital, I’d felt like my life was over.

I’d lost so much, and not just my looks; my sense of security, my self-confidence, and my future were gone.

The attack was my fault. I’d left willingly with someone who’d tried to kill me.

How could I ever trust myself again? I was no good to myse lf or to someone else.

But now there was Nick, saying all the right things, and I desperately wanted to believe him.

“And the second reason?” I asked.

“Because no one is going to ever make you feel less than when I’m around.

That woman wasn’t saying she was surprised you had a man because she was happy for you.

She was trying to put you down and get the upper hand.

And that, Red, is a no-go for me. I told her this, and I’ll tell you; you are a hundred times more appealing than her, and it has nothing to do with physical appearance.

You can take one look at her and know she is nasty and rotten to her core.

You, on the other hand, are pure sweetness.

I’d take you with a burlap sack, sleep hair, and morning breath over her at her best any day of the week. ”

I nodded and picked up my pizza taking a bite. I didn’t know what to say and figured if I shoved pizza in my mouth I wouldn’t have to respond.

No such luck when Nick asked, “Are you alright with that?”

“With what?”

“All of it.”

I closed my eyes and squeezed them together, not wanting to see his face.

“After… you know.” I was so fucking tired of saying the word attacked.

“I got an infection. Even with antibiotic treatment, there was major damage t o my reproductive organs. I had to have a hysterectomy. I can’t have children.

I’m twenty-six years old, and I’ll never be a mother. ”

“I’m sorry to hear that, baby.”

I heard his words and the pity in his voice. I didn’t want him to feel sorry for me; I wanted him to wise up and stop the madness.

“Nothing can come of this between us; you know that, right? I really enjoyed spending time with you tonight. You’re a great guy, and I believe you think you mean all those nice things you said to me.

But let’s face it, I’m not marriage material.

I’m filler. That’s all I can be. I thought I was okay being that for you.

But I was wrong. There’s no way I can get to know you and not develop feelings.

I think it’s best if we walk away now before my heart gets broken. ”

There. I’d said it. I let him off the hook, and when I opened my eyes I figured I’d see some sort of relief on his face.

After all, I was being practical; he’d want a family one day, I couldn’t give that to anyone.

However, I didn’t see relief. I saw so much anger I recoiled and scooted as far away from him as I could in the small space the couch would allow.

“The fuck did you just say?” he growled.

“Umm… which part?”

“The filler part,” he sneered.

Oh boy, he was mad .

“You know the women you date when you’re done sleeping around but not ready to settle down and get married.

The fillers.” I heard the words coming out of my mouth, and I watched as his eyes narrowed into two small slits, but I couldn’t stop.

“The woman you use to cut your teeth on, see if you’re ready for a real relationship. ”

“I’ve heard some fucked up shit in my life.

I’ve seen even more. I’ve seen the viciousness one person can inflict on another.

But never have I witnessed someone be so cruel to themselves.

Beyond that, you think so little of me that not only do you think I would use you, but you think I would use other women to cut my teeth .

That is jacked. Everything you just said is so fucked up I don’t know where to begin to straighten your shit out.

You. Are. Not. Filler. Not to me, not to any other man.

I still don’t understand what the hell that means.

Your head is so twisted you’ve imagined some bullshit universe where that makes sense. It doesn’t. It’s fucked, Meadow!”

“I didn’t mean to offend you. I was trying to explain that I know I don’t have anything to offer a man long term. And I’ve made peace with it.”

My clarification didn’t seem to calm him down any; he was still red-hot mad.

“Offer a man? What the hell does that mean?”

“I can’t have kids!” I all but yelled, and Sally popped her h ead up and pinned her ears to her head. Damn, now I was pissing Sally off, too.

“And?” he shrugged.

He shrugged like it was no big deal. Like me being barren didn’t make me less than a woman.

“Does there need to be more?”

“Red, I’m real sorry to hear that happened.

I’m not a woman. I imagine it’s difficult.

And I’m not saying this to be a dick, but do you think you’re the first person that’s been unable to have children?

It sucks, I get it. But if you want to have kids, adopt.

Just because you cannot physically grow them in your body does not mean that they will be any less yours.

Just so you know, that’s not a deal breaker for me.

I wasn’t raised by my biological parents.

My dad died before I was born, and my mom was in jail from the time I was eleven to the day she died.

My uncle and aunt raised me, and I can promise you they didn’t love me any less because I was not theirs biologically.

I was lucky Nolan and Reagan were there and took me in; a lot of kids don’t have that.

Why wouldn’t I want to give that to a child that needs it?

Why wouldn’t you? So, yes, Meadow, there needs to be more. ”

“I…” There was nothing I could say that didn’t make me sound selfish or like a bitch.

But he was right; I could adopt. I had considered adopting a child on my own one day.

I honestly didn’t believe a man would ever want a wo man as badly damaged as me.

Not that I would tell Nick that; he was mad enough at me already.

“Come here.” He tugged my hand, pulling me to him. Actually, he pulled me over him until I was practically sitting in his lap. “I didn’t mean to make you cry. I’m sorry.”

I hadn’t realized I’d started, but now he’d drawn attention to it, I felt the tears falling. I hated crying and didn’t want him to see me so weak.

“Sorry.” I swiped at the tears on my cheeks. “I hate crying. I did enough of it for years.”

“Nothing to be sorry about. Meadow, you have to stop thinking the worst of yourself. You are no man’s second best. You are a strong, beautiful, woman.”

I snugged into his chest, soaking up as much heat as I could. I needed it. I needed the comfort he offered if only for tonight.

“I don’t feel strong. I’m sitting on your lap crying like a baby. And I haven’t felt pretty or like a woman in a long time.”

“We’ll change that,” he said with a confidence that sounded a lot like arrogance.

“I don’t see how,” I argued.

Nick’s hand came up, and he brushed my hair from my face, exposing the scar.

When I tried to burrow my face into his chest, he stopped me and forced my chin up until I w as looking into his eyes.

I’d never seen eyes like his. One was green; the other was half-green half-brown.

It might’ve been the coolest thing I’d ever seen.

I was going to tell him so when he stopped me in my tracks.

“Red, one day soon I’m gonna love you so hard you won’t remember a time you didn’t have it.

I’m gonna start here.” He tapped my forehead.

“Then I’m gonna move to here.” His hand moved to my heart, and I felt a zap when he touched my skin.

“After I know I’ve made you a believer, I’ll move here.

” He brushed the pad of his thumb over my bottom lip.

I fought the urge to snake my tongue out and suck it into my mouth.

“I’m gonna love you so thoroughly and carefully with my mouth and fingers there will be no doubt you’re all woman. ”

Sweet Jesus! Did he say that? I was ready to tell him he’d already made me a believer so we could get to the mouth and fingers part of his program.