Page 6

B lowing out a breath, I scroll through the channels, looking for something to watch.

Horror movie? Hard pass. Rom-com? Sounds disgusting. Murder documentary? Tempting, but no. Game show? I would rather stick a fork in my eye than watch people say stupid shit when the answer is a no-brainer. When a war movie flashes across the screen, I pause.

I wonder what he’s doing right now. Are they having another party at the clubhouse? Is some girl keeping him company?

Bitterness swirls in my stomach. It was always supposed to be us, but instead he ran. He took what we had and tossed it aside. I should be over him, but I’m clearly not. I should be the one on his lap, making him smile and groan in pleasure, not some sweetbutt.

Fuck it.

Sitting up, I shut off the TV as I get off the couch. Without a thought, I head toward the door and grab my keys. I should change out of my leggings and his old shirt, but I don’t want to. After locking up my house and getting into my car, I make the drive over to the clubhouse.

The road is empty as I drive. Logically, I know I should turn around and put more distance between us, but I can’t stay away.

Like a moth to a goddamn flame, he draws me in.

When I pull up to the clubhouse it looks quiet and is possibly the deadest I’ve ever seen it.

“Hey, I’m here to see Hay…I mean, Savage,” I tell the guy guarding the gate.

“What’s the name?” he asks as he leans down to look into my car.

“Bailey. He should be expecting me,” I lie.

“All good, Miss Bailey. You can head on in.” He nods as he hits the button, making the gate open.

I’m shocked. Hayes said he wouldn’t give me free access, yet here we are with open access to the place.

“Thanks, have a good night.”

“You too,” he says as I roll up my window.

Slowly, I creep forward. “Huh, I guess he took my advice and added me to the list.”

After parking, I get out of my car and head inside. The place is quiet, with only a couple of members hanging around. They all turn and look at me before looking away.

“All righty then…” I mutter quietly.

Scanning the room, I don’t see him, so I head to his office. I knock on the door and wait. When no one answers and there’s not a sound coming from the other side, I step back and look down. Not even a flicker of light shines through under the door.

Where the hell could he be?

Sighing, I walk back out to the main room and head toward the back door. He always liked being outside, so if he’s not out back, then he has to be out.

Stepping outside, my shoulders relax when I see a man sitting on a bench. Even from his side profile and it being dark, I know it’s him. He doesn’t turn as I approach, and instead of sitting next to him, I plant my ass on the table and reach for his beer.

Only when I pluck it from his grip and take a drink does he look at me.

I shiver as the warm beer hits my mouth, and I swallow. “That’s gross. Beer sucks on a good day, but it’s absolutely foul when it’s warm.”

“What are you doing here?” he asks, his voice all raspy, making the little hairs on my arms stand.

“I don’t know, honestly. I was bored at home. Next thing I know is I was here.” I shrug.

The corner of his mouth twitches. “I missed you too.”

“Whoa there, buddy, I never said shit about missing you.”

Hayes lifts his eyebrow, silently calling me on my shit.

“Fine, I was missing you. Happy now?”

“Ecstatic,” he deadpans.

“So what are you doing out here besides drinking shit beer in the dark?”

“Thinkin…”

I tap my knee against his arm. “You know, once upon a time, you used to be able to tell me everything.”

He sighs and runs a hand over his face. “You’re a pain in my ass. You know that?”

“Yep. Now talk before I make you. I know a lot of time has passed, but I bet you’re still ticklish.”

He glares at me until he realizes I’m not backing down.

He looks away, studying the sky as he begins to speak. “It’s fuckin’ weird being back here. There were nights that I never thought I would make it back stateside, let alone back here. When I got out, I contemplated trying one of the other chapters, but for some reason, I was pulled right back here.”

“Wait, you actually thought about not coming back?” My heart aches at the idea of him not wanting to be here. “Do you regret coming home?”

He shakes his head slowly. “No, I don’t regret coming home, and yes, not coming back did cross my mind. I had planned on coming back and pulling my bike out of storage and hitting the road. I promised Rogue I wouldn’t take off until after we got together, then he convinced me to stay for another night, then another…”

“Then he died…” I say slowly.

Hayes swallows hard as he nods. “Then he died, and I couldn’t leave.” He shakes his head. “That’s a lie. I knew before he died that I wasn’t going anywhere. I just didn’t want to admit it.”

“This place has a way of holding people in a chokehold,” I say lightly.

“You and I know it had nothing to do with the location and all about who lives here.” He raises a brow, silently telling me he means me and not someone else.

“I mean, I am pretty memorable,” I tease, making him chuckle.

“Remember when we were kids, and I convinced you to break into that church to steal the communion wine?”

I cringe at the memory. “That shit was terrible. I don’t know if I’ve ever had a hangover that bad.”

“You were hatin’ life.” He smiles.

“Then there was you, who was disappointed there wasn’t a stash of guns and shit underneath the altar,” I tease.

Thanks to the moonlight, I don’t miss the way his cheeks turn a little red. “You can’t tell me that under an altar wouldn’t be the perfect place to stash supplies.”

“Note to self, if he ever buys a church and I need weapons, check there first,” I say as I pretend to write in the air, making us both laugh.

“You know, I might have convinced you to break into the church, but you convinced me to streak naked through the school parking lot right at the end of the day.” He gives me a knowing look.

“Trust me, no one was mad at it,” I tell him. “And if I recall, you not only had your car full of girls’ numbers, but you got laid more than I want to know about.” I cringe. “If I remember correctly, there was a catfight after that because of your dick.”

He cringes. “Yeah, I don’t recommend having multiple partners in the same day.”

“I’ll take your word for it.”

“You were supposed to streak with me though and ditched me.”

“I had better things to do…like film it.” I burst out laughing.

He doesn’t need to know how many times I watched that video back then. I wanted to be one of them girls, but it was never me.

“You little shit.” He smiles, shaking his head.

“You loved it.”

“We had it good though, didn’t we?” he asks after a few beats.

“Yeah, we did…”

If only we could have it good again.

Fuck. It hurts so goddamn much being this close to her, yet not being able to hold her. I rub my chest, trying to ease the ache, but it doesn’t help.

“You okay?”

I look over and see she’s frowning as she watches my hand.

Dropping it to my lap, I lean forward and clench my fists under the table where she can’t see them.

“No, no, I’m not okay.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m fuckin’ pissed at how we got here.” A wave of hurt passes over her face, making me backtrack. “Shit, not like that. As much as I hate to admit it, I’m glad you drove up to my gate and chased my ass down.”

“Then what did you mean?” she asks as she crosses her arms over her chest, trying to protect herself.

“I mean, I’m angry about how we got here, with this fuckin’ divide separating us. I hate that I went years without seeing or talking to you.”

“You left, Hayes,” she says softly.

I nod. “I know I did, but I did what I had to do.” I turn toward her and grab onto her calf, knowing the next part is going to make her want to run. “I was fuckin’ in love with you, but I knew I didn’t deserve you. I needed to become someone worthy of being with you.”

Bailey scoffs and tries to pull out of my hold, but fails. “Love me? No you didn’t. Don’t lie and dig a deeper hole for yourself when you were just starting to dig yourself out.”

“I’m serious, Bailey. I was head over heels in love with you. I just didn’t have the balls to admit it. I was scared.”

“I don’t believe you.” She shakes her head. “If you loved me, you would have told me, Hayes. Nothing, and I mean nothing, scares you, and even on the off chance you’re telling me the truth, then if you loved me so much, why didn’t you ask me to go with you? You didn’t have to join the Army. We could have packed up your saddlebag and disappeared into the night. We could be married with three little kids running around in some backwoods town in Montana.”

“I already told you, I needed to become the type of guy who deserves you. Besides that, the club had a hold on me. The Army was the only way to get out from under it.”

“Yeah, well, did you find that guy?” she asks bitterly.

I shake my head slowly. “Honestly, I don’t know.”

She rubs her hands over her face. “Goddamn you, Hayes. This is just like you to drop a bomb on me when I least expect it.”

“I’m sorry.”

She ignores my apology and keeps going. “You loved me, but you didn’t call, you didn’t write, nothing. You weren’t there when I got engaged or when he died, and you weren’t there when I really needed you when my dad was sick. It was like you disappeared one day. I got complete radio silence from you. Then I had to find out, through someone fucking else, that you were back because you didn’t have the decency to tell me yourself.” She scoffs, shaking her head. “Loved me, my ass.”

“Wait, what about your dad?”

She narrows her eyes. “Seriously, that’s what you’re going to get stuck on?”

“What happened to your dad, Bails?” I demand.

My heart is in my throat. I should have kept a closer eye on things here, but when she got engaged, I stopped asking about her. Rogue got the hint and stopped mentioning her.

“He got testicular cancer and lost his balls,” she says, making me flinch.

Instinctively, I reach for my junk and hold it. “Fuck, is he okay? How long ago was this?”

“I don’t know, two, maybe three years ago by now. He’s in remission and goes to yearly checkups. He’s fine, but the chemo and radiation kicked his ass. That’s when I started doing PI work. I promised myself it was just until he got better, only I found that I’m pretty good at it, and I don’t mind the hours.” She shrugs.

“Shit…why didn’t you call me? Why didn’t anyone tell me? I would have been there for you. You should have called me.”

“Because. You. Left,” she says slowly, enunciating each word. “You wanted out, so I wasn’t going to drag you back in just because my dad was sick. Rogue did step in a few times and helped me out when I needed it. He said it was for my dad, but I secretly hoped you had told him to do it. Guess that was a far-fetched dream.”

“I had no clue. Rogue didn’t talk to me about you. I would have come back. I should have been here for you.”

“You’re right. You should have been, but you weren’t, and guess what, Hayes? I made it through all that bullshit without you. While you were gone trying to become a better man or whatever, I was learning how to stand on my own two feet.”

Taking a deep breath, I try to check my anger. “But that doesn’t mean you should have had to. All you had to do was pick up the goddamn phone and I would have been there.”

She chuckles quietly as she pulls out of my hold and gets off the table. “We’re going around in circles and aren’t getting anywhere. You left, when all I ever wanted you to do was stay and choose me. I went through three big life changes, and you missed them. If anyone deserves to be angry or is owed an apology, it’s me. You made your bed, and I made mine.”

“What the hell does that even mean?” I demand as I get up off the bench.

“It means that I’m going home and maybe we can try again another day when we’ve both calmed down. I’ll see you later.” She turns and starts walking away.

“Bailey!” I yell, making her pause. “Do you hate me?”

Even from a distance, I can see the sadness in her eyes. “I could never hate you, Hayes, but that doesn’t mean I forgive you. I’ll see you later.”

I watch her walk away and then drive away. Sitting back down on the bench, I run my hands through my hair.

Fuck.

How in the hell did we end up here when this wasn’t my intention at all?

The longer I sit, the more my thoughts swirl, the regret bitter on my tongue. Yes, I played a part in our downfall, but she did too. Then again, I guess that’s bound to happen when both parties are bullheaded.

Shit.

I have to fix this. I can’t keep living like this, especially when she’s within reach. I don’t know what I’m going to do to correct my wrongs, but I’ll do whatever it takes. Because without her, there is no me.

Never has been, never will be.