Page 14 of Ruthless Devotion

Seven

Maddie

I listened to the cassettes until dinnertime and texted my list to Aidan.

I tried not to think about how my chosen songs would fit so well with the style of the flowers and reception venue—as though I somehow cared about any of these things.

I tried not to think about how a small part of me is excited about the event, if not the man.

Now the house is quiet and dark. Everyone is asleep except for me and my new shift of guards out in the hallway. I lay in bed staring up at my ceiling where I still have the glow-in-the dark stars from my childhood.

I don’t know why I never took them down.

It’s so stupid that I have them still. I’m twenty-seven, for god’s sake.

But I’ve spent years staring up at them, thinking about things when I couldn’t sleep, and I was just never able to fully let them go.

And after the IRS came, I definitely wasn’t taking them down because they were the last normal thing I could rely on.

I can’t sleep in pajamas. I sleep too hot. I need to have sheets and blankets directly against skin. So now I get in bed and undress under the covers so his cameras don’t catch me. I’m lying in bed like this now, staring at the drawer that contains my toys.

I need an orgasm so bad I can’t think. I glance at the clock. It’s one a.m. I’m sure Aidan is asleep. I’ve been lying here for well over an hour. There’s no way he’s watching me right now. He has to sleep sometime. And there is nothing more boring than watching a person sleep.

I slowly move my hand under the covers and slide the drawer open. I take out my favorite toy, careful not to flash whatever night vision cameras he has hidden around the room.

I wait several minutes, my heart thundering in my chest, the oval-shaped hot pink toy gripped in my hand.

It has a suction on the end that sucks on my clit and produces the best orgasm of any device I’ve ever tried.

It plugs into the wall to charge, and I pray it still has enough juice to get me through because I haven’t charged it in weeks.

When I press the power button, I’m rewarded by a very quiet vibration, muffled further by the blankets. Are his listening devices sensitive enough to hear this? Will there be a tiny spike somewhere on some electronic device that picks up the sound? I don’t know how extensive his set-up is.

I let my mind drift to the guy from the alley.

I can’t believe I’m still fantasizing about this guy, but he’s the stand-in that keeps me from thinking about Aidan.

He’s the dark fantasy that I’ll probably never see again, whose reality I don’t have to deal with.

I think about those tattoos, the intense way he looked at me, his hand stroking the side of my neck and through my hair.

I can almost still feel the way he touched me that night.

I can still smell that rich woody cologne if I focus hard enough.

I think about how my fear and adrenaline mixed with arousal.

The fear that he might do something and the fear that he might not until the spell was broken, and the light turned green.

Every time I think about this, I add new details, details I’m not sure are even real memories, and then the fantasies that I know aren’t.

The fantasy that instead of going through that green light and taking me home, he took me down a side road and parked the car in another alley, that he ordered me to strip for him and fingered me until I was a hot wet mess before pulling me into his lap forcing me to impale myself on what I’m sure is a very large dick, taking my virginity while the rain beat down on the windows.

I slide the toy into place against my clit and am careful to stay quiet.

My breathing picks up pace but I force the moans to stay inside me.

I’m careful not to jerk my hips too hard, not to make any sudden movements, to just let the pleasure wash over me while staying on the knife edge of the tension of needing to remain so still and quiet.

My phone buzzes, but I’m too far into this. I can’t stop now.

It’s probably just Erica. But this late? It can’t be him. There’s no way he caught me. But I have to know.

I grab my phone off the bedside table.

It’s about time.

My hips move with the toy, I can’t stop them.

Another buzz from the phone. Pull the blanket back. Show me your pussy. I want to watch you come.

What if I pretend the texts are coming from the stranger in the alley? What if I just disconnected from the reality of Aidan all together? I am so so close. I need this.

Another text. It would please me, and that will make your life easier. I’ll see it all anyway soon enough. Show me and win some of my favor.

How good can his night vision cameras even be? It’s not like I’m in broad daylight. The closeness of my orgasm is making my ability to make sound and rational decisions slip away. It’s making it harder to draw a sharp distinction between my fantasy man in the alley and Aidan.

The competing buzz from the toy and my phone just raise the tension higher.

Maddie, show me and come. Now.

The stranger’s demanding intense gaze locks on mine in my imagination. My pleasure builds.

It’s dark, I can pretend I’m invisible. He can’t see me. I’ll just pretend.

In a moment of insanity, I pull back the blankets and finish myself off in full view of the hidden cameras.

I feel the flush of heat and shame in my cheeks because no matter how much I may try to fantasize that it’s the stranger from the alley, I know who’s really watching me, and I’ve never shared an intimate moment like this with anyone before.

It’s so shameful that the first person to get any of it is my hated stalker.

My hips lurch up one final time, and the moan I’ve tried so hard to contain comes pouring out of me as I ride the hard edge of my orgasm through to the finish line.

Finally I come down from the high of pleasure, the dopamine pinging around in my brain like a pinball.

I turn the toy off and lie in the dark as my breathing and heartbeat return to normal.

I can’t believe what I’ve just done. I rush to cover myself, but it’s too late for the false veneer of modesty.

He saw everything. I can only hope that the view wasn’t as good as it would have been during the day or with the lights on.

My phone buzzes again, and I read just two words on the screen:

Good girl.