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CHAPTER FOUR

JESSIE

I ’ve been sitting on my couch in my three-bedroom apartment downtown, staring at my cell phone for so long that my ass is imprinted on the cushion.

I don’t have Mia’s number saved on my phone anymore, and after she tried to contact me in Whistler, I threw my old one out and got a new one. It was the only way I knew I wouldn’t break and reply to her messages.

But here I am, scrolling through her social media profiles. I unblocked them the second I got home.

She really is in Seattle.

I scroll further and stop on an image that makes my stomach roll—Mia standing next to the Space Needle with some dude’s arm wrapped around her shoulders. He’s tall, dark, and even I can tell he’s good-looking.

What the fuck?

This was taken back in October.

Is that what she came to tell me? That she’s here in town but seeing someone else?

Or is she just fucking him?

Shit, that is what she came to tell me.

The image in my hand disappears and is replaced by my mom’s name lighting up my screen.

“Hey,” I answer, clearing my throat.

“Jessie, is that you?”

“Yeah, Mom. It’s me. You okay?”

She blows a long breath down the phone, and I can tell she’s drunk. Worse than drunk—annihilated. Pure desperation engulfs me as I listen to her unsteady voice.

“Mom?” I repeat.

“I’m here, baby.”

“Where’s Dad?”

“I … I don’t know. He left and hasn’t come home.” Her voice fades out, almost like she’s looking around the room for him.

“When did he leave?”

“I … I don’t know. Yesterday, I think.”

“Have you had anything to eat?”

When she’s this out of it, it’s normally thanks to booze on an empty stomach.

“Hmm … not—not so sure, baby.”

My heart drops at the thought of her being hungry and alone. The guilt of being in a different state, trying to live my life, feels overwhelming.

“Is there food for you to eat?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why don’t you go check while I’m on the phone, Mom?” I ask, but at this point, I’m pleading for her to go check.

“I’ll be fine. When are you coming back home? You weren’t here for the holidays this year. I miss you, Will.”

Squeezing my eyes shut, I try to remind myself that she’s pissed. That she doesn’t realize she just called me by my twin brother’s name—the only brother I ever had, who died a few days after birth.

“I’m Jessie, Mom. Will isn’t here, remember?” I whisper.

“I know you are.”

“I’ll be home when I can, but the season is pretty stacked right now.”

“We need some more money.” She changes course, sounding panicked.

Frustration gnaws at my insides. “Mom, I just sent you a ton last weekend.”

Over twenty thousand dollars. I know there’s no way she’s spending all this money so fast.

“It’s all gone.”

“Where?”

“Wayne,” she sobs. “Your dad, he took it. There’s nothing left in the account.”

I scratch my nails down the side of my face, my suspicions confirmed. “What about that account I opened for you? I put some extra in there to keep it away from him.”

“It’s gone. It’s all gone, gone, gone, gone, gone. GONE!” Mom wails down the phone.

I stand from the couch and walk over to the balcony doors, opening them before stepping outside. My apartment is on the third floor, and I watch as traffic and people race around below me, going about their everyday, normal lives.

“All right, I’ll wire you some more.”

“Another twenty?” she asks, but more like pleads.

“Yes. But if I send some extra on top, I don’t want you to tell Dad. Can you keep it away from him? He’s gambling it away almost as fast as I’m earning it.”

“Yes, I’ll try.”

“Okay, I’ll send it to your account. Get something to eat with it.” My voice cracks with the final words because I know whatever I send will end up with him.

I know that none of this is right. She shouldn’t still be with him; she should be here with me, somewhere safe and away from that life. But I can’t get her to see there’s a better life, out of the house, out of his grasp. Out of the bottom of a hole so fucking dark that even bugs don’t nest that deep.

“I will, baby. I promise.”

“I will, baby. I promise.”

“ Promise , promise?”

“ Promise , promise. We’ll head to the park right after Mommy takes a nap. We’ll get dressed and go out.”

I waited at the end of the couch for two hours. The TV was broken from when Daddy had punched a hole through it. He had been really angry that day. I couldn’t even play my favorite cartoons anymore, but at least, that time, he hadn’t punched Mommy or me. It was good he wasn’t at home. The house was better when he wasn’t here. I didn’t know where he was, but I just knew I didn’t like him around. Mommy cried a lot when he was.

Mommy was still asleep next to me, but my stomach was starting to hurt.

“Mommy!” I whispered, trying to shake her awake, but she stayed asleep. “Mommy!”

She still didn’t move.

As I turned over my shoulder, I knew what I had to do. She’d had too much of that clear liquid—the name beginning with a V. Every time she drank that stuff, I wouldn’t get to eat, and lately, that had been happening every day.

It was okay though. I was good at feeding myself now, as long as there was something in the cupboards.

I tried to shake Mommy awake again, but it didn’t work.

When I got up off the couch, my stomach growled again, but this time, it hurt. Maybe there were some of those yummy yogurts left …

But there was nothing in the fridge, not even milk.

There was also no food in the bottom cupboards. Mommy normally had some ginger biscuits in there, but today, there was nothing.

My eyes started to sting.

It’s okay, Jessie. She has something somewhere. She wouldn’t leave you with nothing to eat.

I climbed onto the counter and opened each door until I found some chicken noodles. They looked old, but kind of nice.

When I found a pan, I filled it with water and set it on a burner. I’d seen Mommy do this a few times. How hard could it be?

Finally, the water started to bubble, and I opened the packet and dropped the block of noodles into the water. The smell of chicken filled my nostrils, and my stomach growled again.

I watched as the noodles broke apart and danced around in the water. It was kind of cool. Making myself some food made me feel grown-up.

Maybe Mommy would want some too.

“Mommy!” I shouted over to ask if she wanted to share, not that there was much to go around, but I didn’t want her stomach to hurt like mine. I could take care of us both.

“Jessie?” she groaned from the cushions. “What are you doing?”

My eyes wide with excitement, I raced over there, ready to tell her I got food coming. But the second I reached her, I heard the pan bubble over, splashing water everywhere.

“Hang on, Mommy. The noodles are going all over the floor.”

I ran back to the kitchen and tried to pick up all the slippery noodles, but they were stuck to the tiles. There was only one packet left in the cupboard. I had to save them.

“Jessie! Be careful ? —”

It was too late though; when I stood back up, my head hit the underside of the handle on the pan, sending the hot water into the air and landing all over me.

And it burned really, really bad.