Page 5 of Rescuing Dr. Marian (Made Marian Legacy #1)

“I love Kari,” I whispered.

“I know you do,” Ella said carefully. “She’s been a part of your life since college. She’s familiar, and the two of you make sense on paper. But sometimes that kind of love isn’t enough. Sometimes you need the mountain air.”

When she spoke, her voice was softer and more gentle. Ella and I were the closest in age in our large group of cousins, but the reason we were so close was because she was an incredible listener and an all-around loving human.

But I still wasn’t quite ready to say out loud—or even in my own head—that she was right.

“You know…” I kicked off my shoes, propping my feet up on the bed. “Foster asked me why I wasn’t thrilled about anesthesia.”

Ella seemed to accept this conversational sidestep easily enough. “Because it’s boring as fuck when your patient is half-dead?” she scoffed. “Because you’re not passionate about anesthesia, and your heart is in emergency medicine?”

Memories of wild nights in the ER flooded my head.

Challenging situations and the need to react on the fly.

The adrenaline rush of saving someone, working as a team with others, and celebrating a job well done.

Alternatively, sharing in the loss of a patient after doing our best to save them.

But then having to jump right into the next challenge before processing the last.

“I do love emergency medicine.” That much I could admit.

“I know. ”

I scowled. “But I can still practice anesthesia in the ER,” I said, feeling the same defensiveness I’d experienced when I’d told my mom I was considering going into anesthesia. “It’s a valid choice. A choice that has a lot more opportunity for career advancement.”

“True.” I could tell she was humoring me just like Mom had.

I threw my legs over the far side of the bed and sat up, running my fingers through my hair. “Besides, there’s no real money in emergency medicine. Still less in wilderness medicine.”

“Also true.” Ella threw herself down in the spot I’d vacated as I stood and began to pace. “And god knows we Marians could use the money.”

I ground my back teeth together. Our uncle Jude was a world-famous country music singer who’d made enough money to set up trust funds for all of his kids, nieces, and nephews. None of us needed to worry about keeping a roof over our heads or going without the basics.

I’d never been money-motivated, but I was competitive and high-achieving.

Winning was a rush. Doing the right thing, being the best— those things motivated me.

“Is this just cold feet?” I demanded, turning to face her. “Maybe it’s situational anxiety about all the big changes happening. Getting married. Double-boarding in anesthesia. And if so…”

“Tommy, do me a favor.” Ella sat up, her top knot listing precariously to one side now.

“Don’t think about what you’ve been planning to do, or who you’re planning to marry, or who you want to kiss, or what gender anyone is.

Put all of that out of your mind. Instead, tell me what you want your life to look like and the qualities of the person you want to share that life with.

What are your ideal traits in a partner? ”

I tried my hardest to do what she’d described, ticking each one off on my fingers. “Honesty and loyalty. A hard worker who understands my demanding career and unpredictable hours. Kind. Empathetic. Loving. Someone who likes to go on adventures and doesn’t mind my big, nosy family.”

“Hey!” she squawked with a laugh.

“Someone who wants kids. Someone who shares my sense of humor. Someone who’s passionate about things but who can also sit quietly with me and just be .

Someone who likes The Great British Baking Show but also likes…

” I stopped and wondered if my long-standing obsession with Captain America and his spandex suit meant something different than I’d always thought. “Superheroes,” I finished lamely.

The view out of the hotel window caught my eye, and I walked toward it. The bright moon laid down a wavering stripe of light across the water, and a couple sat side by side in the sand watching the waves.

“I want someone who can tell when I’m unsure of my path and helps me talk it through without pressuring me,” I admitted softly. “I want someone who doesn’t pretend to be someone they’re not in order to impress people and who doesn’t expect me to be someone I’m not.”

Despite my best efforts, I’d been thinking of my discussion with Foster when I said that last bit. But when Ella remained silent behind me, I realized what I’d inadvertently admitted about my current relationship.

We both knew Kari had encouraged me to pursue anesthesia because her mother was the head of a thriving anesthesia practice.

We also both knew that Kari had once convinced me to leave the hospital short-staffed rather than miss an appearance at a charity dinner.

And if Kari enjoyed sitting quietly together, she’d never expressed it.

She hated activities that felt like “wasting time.”

I swallowed. “Maybe I want to figure out myself before sharing my life with anyone at all,” I said, trying the words out for the first time.

They weren’t new words. In fact, my parents had used similar ones many times when I was in high school, and again when I was in college. And again when I’d told them that Kari was ready for us to get married.

At every turn, I’d rejected them. “I know myself,” I’d insisted. “I know what I’m doing.”

But did I really? When was the last time I’d considered whether all these things I was achieving were what I truly wanted?

I’d gone into medicine because of experiences I’d had on the trail or while climbing.

The first had been when my cousin Cami had fallen down a hillside at my grandparents’ place in Montana.

The second had been when my uncle and I had come across a man having a heart attack on the side of the trail leading to one of our favorite rock-climbing sites.

I’d become a doctor to help people in their scariest moments .

Ella made a soft, sympathetic sound. “I know it sucks, but I think you’re right. You owe it to yourself and to Kari to figure it out.”

I stared at the moonlight streaming through the window for another moment, thinking about Foster’s warm hands on my skin, the look in his eyes before we’d kissed on the beach. Then I turned to my cousin. “I’m going to call it off. First thing tomorrow.”

I expected the words to feel heavy, and in a way, they did. I dreaded facing Kari in the morning even more than telling my family the wedding they’d flown all this way to attend was canceled. But they were freeing, too.

“If you want, I’ll be your personal bodyguard when you tell everyone,” Ella promised.

I gave a half laugh and walked over to the bed to wrap her up in a fierce hug. “How about you and I get spectacularly drunk afterward instead?”

“Deal. I love you, Tommy. No matter what, okay?”

I nodded. “Love you, too,” I said. “And thank you.”

After I left Ella’s room and returned to my own, I sat in silence for a long moment, letting the reality of what I was about to do sink in. Then I moved to the hotel desk and pulled out a notepad. I needed to leave some kind of message for Foster. An explanation for my strange behavior tonight.

But after nearly an hour, I was still staring at a blank notepad.

What could I possibly say that would explain why I’d kissed him like he was oxygen and I was drowning, then pulled away and claimed to be straight? That would convey that our time together had meant so much to me, I was about to upend my entire life based on that brief connection?

In the end, I kept it simple:

Foster,

Thank you for tonight. For the conversation. For the kiss. For more than I can say.

It changed everything. You changed everything.

Please take care of yourself,

Tommy

I sealed it in an envelope with his name on the front and took it to the front desk. “Can you make sure this gets to the guest in room 428? Foster Blake.”

The desk clerk nodded. “Of course, Dr. Marian.”

I hesitated, then added, “And could you please have a bottle of your best bourbon sent to his room? Put it on my tab.”

“Certainly, sir. Anything else?”

I thought about what else I could leave for Foster—some token of what our chance meeting had meant to me—but nothing seemed adequate. “No, that’s all. Thank you.”

As I walked away, I wondered if I’d ever see him again. Wyoming wasn’t that far from Montana, where several of my family members lived, including Ella. Maybe someday, our paths would cross again, when I’d figured out who I really was and what I really wanted.

For now, though, I had a wedding to cancel and a fiancée to face.