Page 19 of Reluctant Witch (A Course in Magic #2)

19

Dan

Dan looked over at the man he’d eventually fallen asleep with the night prior. Kisses had turned to touches, and touches had turned to nakedness. And as it had been every time in his life, Dan had been the passive one. Axell was the one to lead their intimacy. Dan was the one who was touched and loved. It wasn’t that he didn’t want that pleasure, but he felt vulnerable now.

Just once I want to be in charge.

I want to make the decisions.

Maybe more than just once.

The sky outside was still dark, but the moonlight was fading as sunrise crept across the sky.

Dan tried to be quiet as he stretched in the makeshift bed—a pile of blankets and pillows Axell had stacked together—in the classroom near the infirmary where Axell had prepared the impromptu date. Dan slipped on his trousers and made it to the door. He turned the lock, which was far too loud.

“Running?” Axell asked.

Dan looked back. Axell’s eyes were open, and he was staring at him. Dan was a lot less comfortable than he wanted to be. He wanted to be an equal if they were going to do this… whatever this relationship was.

“Maybe?” Dan folded his arms. “Nervous.”

Axell held out a hand, and Dan returned to the bed.

“Candlelight makes us brave, ja ?” Axell threaded his fingers through Dan’s decidedly not-long-enough hair and traced over his not-defined-enough back. Every one of Dan’s insecurities felt like they were awake and speaking up this morning.

Why am I not… more?

This was always the issue with the morning after. When his hormones were raging and singularly focused parts of him were making all the decisions, Dan was bold enough to forget to feel self-conscious or to list his flaws. He let whatever man wanted to touch him or fuck him do whatever felt good. That had been the definition of every sexual encounter in his life. He was passive. He was compliant. He was… an object, often nameless, always forgettable.

And it wasn’t like Dan was unsatisfied. He just wanted there to be more to this relationship, more with this man than the way it always had been when he went to whatever dark corner or hotel or bathroom with a man.

“I don’t usually stay around after.…” Dan squirmed as Axell stared at him, and he was oddly glad to have his trousers on as they spoke. He tried again. “I typically leave.…”

“After sex? Same.” Axell shrugged, making the gesture far more elegant than it ought to be when a person was sprawled out on a pile of blankets on a castle floor. “But this is not only sex, Daniel? Is it?”

“No… I don’t know. I hope not.” Dan looked away, staring at the room that had been lit by low lights when he’d arrived, exhausted and starving. He took care of me, Dan reminded himself. Axell had brought food, a place to rest, and he’d pushed Dan backward into a nest of blankets and made him forget his self-consciousness by ways of hands and lips.

“Do you think I changed my mind?” Axell asked the question, drawing Dan’s gaze, pulling him out of his anxiety and self-doubt.

“No…?” Dan managed to say again.

“Then what is this? What is happening now?” Axell was anything but subtle, and Dan suspected that it was the very trait that made him so alluring. He was confident. Even when Axell admitted he felt insecure, he seemed to be able to ask for what he wanted.

“I can’t decide what to do.” Dan’s face burned hot. “I want…”

Axell didn’t ask, didn’t help Dan with the words. He raised his brow and said, “ Ja. ”

When the other man said nothing more, Dan asked, “Yes, what ?”

“To whatever you decide.” Axell shrugged again. “I say yes. ”

“But you have no idea what I’m thinking, what I want—”

Dan’s words died as Axell leaned in and kissed him. His free arm—the one he was not currently using to do whatever contorted push-up he had managed—wrapped around Dan so he could grab Dan’s ass. Holding him in place, as if Dan might try to flee, Axell kissed Dan until he felt like the awkward parts of him were melting away, as if he could disappear into Axell, as if being closer was all that mattered in the world.

It’s not just sex.

He wants me, not just a convenient body.

Axell paused, kissed the edge of Dan’s jaw, and with his lips along Dan’s earlobe said, “I trust you. What else do I need to know to answer? You want. I say yes.”

“I… you…” Dan stuttered as Axell bit his throat hard enough to leave a mark.

“What?” Axell asked, lips brushing Dan’s collarbone now.

“It’s not supposed to be this easy,” Dan objected. “No one else has…”

“Been a witch?” Axell pulled back and looked at him. “Been a handsome pansexual man?”

“Maybe?”

“Spent a month simply trying to get you naked?” Axell peppered kisses and nips along Dan’s throat between questions. “Been falling for you?”

“Yes.”

“You see, Daniel?” Axell laughed. “Say yes. It is good for things to be easy.”

Axell had managed to reposition them so now Dan was on top of him. Axell stared up at Dan and said, “I say yes, ja, please.…”

And Dan realized that maybe it was okay for things not to be as complicated as they felt in his mind. He had no regrets about any of the anonymous fuck-and-duck connections in his past, but he wanted to take his time to know everything about Axell.

Is this love? Is that where we’re going?

Dan had never felt even the edge of that feeling before, and the thought of it was as likely as the thought of magic being real. Magic, love, men that wanted him for more than a quickie, those were as illusory as finding a life or a job where he felt like he mattered.

After saying yes, Axell let Dan take control, which helped Dan not to feel guilty about taking his time admiring and slowly kissing Axell. And it seemed like they’d connected on some nonverbal level, because every time Dan started to think he was being too slow, too selfish, too anything with his caresses, Axell said, “Yes,” as if he’d heard the doubts in Dan’s mind.

When eventually their breathing was harsh, Dan asked, “Stand against the wall?”

It was meant to be a question, at least, but Axell obeyed as if it had been an order. Sunrise spilled through the window as if it were falling around Axell, illuminating him like a god, as Dan kneeled in front of him and looked up.

“Yes, please,” Axell said in a rougher voice now.

Later, after the awkward realization that the door was not locked, Dan felt like he had crossed lines in a race he’d forgotten he’d entered. He darted glances at Axell, who looked as satisfied as Dan had felt the night before.

Being in Crenshaw might actually be the answer to everything he’d never dared to dream. They nestled back in their pallet of blankets. And this time, Dan held Axell against his bare chest. It was a small shift in the power dynamic, and he suspected it would shift again, but in the moment, Dan liked feeling like he was in control.

Dan cleared his throat awkwardly and said, “The whole love thing you said…”

Axell shot an affectionate look up at him. “That I am falling for you?”

“Yeah… That.”

“I would like us to be more than naked joy,” Axell said simply. “We would share a room, and lives, and nakedness.”

“Like, live together?”

“ Ja. ” Axell shrugged like it was no big deal and put his hand on Dan’s stomach. “I trust belly feelings. Instinct. We are good together.”

Dan blinked at him. He felt as if they had already taken a giant step, as if he had taken a huge step both in trust and in claiming a new part of his own sexuality. Taking charge. Trusting someone. And here Axell was, asking for more. It felt like they were moving at a pace that was so far outside of normal.

So instead of answering, Dan held him. Do I want that? The thought was both tempting and terrifying.

They drifted off to sleep, and a little while later, when they were both standing and finishing dressing, Dan tossed Axell’s ridiculous skinny jeans to him. “Do you always move this fast?”

Axell laughed as he slung an arm over Dan’s shoulder. “Last time I was so interested, I took them on tour. First date was to six countries.”

“I don’t usually date,” Dan confessed. “The cancer and trying not to die and… I slept with a lot of men who ended up later telling me about their wives. I just…”

“No living together, but maybe yes on the more sex?” Axell surmised as he pulled on his clothes finally. “And yes on the dates?”

“Yes on the sex and the dates,” Dan agreed. “Maybe sleeping over some…”

“And telling me your secrets.” Axell brushed a kiss across Dan’s cheek. “Trusting. Togetherness.”

For a moment, Dan panicked. Why does he want to know my secrets? But then he calmed down. He had no secrets Axell didn’t know right now. “Yes,” Dan said. “I can do that.”

“Good. Let us find Miss Maggie now, and make her our friend again,” Axell said.

“Why?”

“Because she is funny, and you feel sad. We will fix this next.”

“I want to… live together with you,” Dan blurted. “I’m just nervous.”

“You sleep in my room, and when you are needing space, you go to yours. Easy.” Axell smiled and shrugged, and Dan wondered briefly if things could actually be this easy.

Is this what happens when it’s right?

“Yes,” Dan said. “Yes. And then—”

“No rushing. I will wait, and we will romance each other.” Axell steered them toward the door of the room, as if seeking someone out and making them your friend was as simple as that.

Decide it is so, and then it becomes that way.

It was ludicrous, but honestly, it was exactly how they ended up in this situation the first time they met Maggie, and Ellie, and it was exactly how Dan ended up involved with Axell. His Norwegian beloved simply decided this was what he wanted, and so he acted as if it were already that way.

“You’re a bit much,” Dan pointed out.

Axell gave him a wicked smile that made Dan blush a little brighter than he wanted, but all Axell said was, “You like me, though.”

And Dan couldn’t help but smile and reply, “ Ja. ”