Page 45 of Raise Up, Heart
Cole focuses on building a new leg of Hart Trucking operating from moving cargo of Arecibo Harbor. Still, he keeps his profile low, preferring to let his newly hired CEO do most of the public work so that he can stay out of the press.
Old San Juan has a different pace of life than either of them have experienced before. Truth be told, they never quite fit in here. Not Cole with his small-town Appalachian ways, and not Damon with his too-fair skin sheltered under hats that Cole forces on him to prevent the burns he’s prone to under the hot sun. It’s clear that they’re considered outsiders by the locals who get to know them at all. Cole has often heard neighbors wonder at Cole’s odd habit of calling Dr. Alistair by the moniker “Dr. Black,” and he laughs, saying it’s an inside joke when anyone dares to ask about it.
There are the occasional scares. His mother threatens to visit but accepts Cole’s suggestion that they meet up for a weekend in Miami instead. Damon isn’t allowed to come, obviously, but they text every few hours, and Cole feels that Damon’s safe to alone for such a short time—so long as he doesn’t mortally offend anyone—and probably even if he does.
Fending off Rosanna isn’t as easy, and there is an awkward week when Damon stays in a hotel near the university and Cole hosts his parents in their home. Damon bitches about it as he unpacks his stuff from the boxes they’d hidden in the garage during his father and Rosanna’s stay, saying, “Next time,theycan get a hotel, andyoucan go stay with them.”
Cole doesn’t think there will be a next time. They seemed satisfied by what they saw, and neither his sister or his father like the beach or tropical heat. So long as he’s doing well, and seems happy, he suspects they’ll forget all about worrying over him in time.
It takes a few years, but Cole does find the strength to leave Damon to return all the way to Maryville for Emily and Michael’s wedding. It seems strange, unfathomable, even, as he drives into the town that it was his home for most of his life. He’d imagined that his heart strings would be tugged, and he might find it hard to leave again. Instead, he has no desire to stay. His heart is elsewhere, and he grits his teeth and grins, acting as though it is a huge joy to be home, enduring the moments until he can get back to Damon and the life they’ve built together.
The day before the wedding, Cole meets up with Emily in Southern Grace Coffee. She’s happy, and it causes Cole only a moment of guilt when he thinks that she seems happier with Michael than she ever did with Alex. Their meeting is short. It’s hard to talk to people when his life is so full of things he has to hide. Still, it’s good to know that she’s doing so well, and he looks forward to telling Damon about it.
Appalachian Rainbows and Hardiest Hearts are now Michael’s babies, and Cole doesn’t bother to even stop in the offices. He’ll see Michael at the wedding, and they’ll talk about work, and give each other knowing looks about the rest of his life. Looks that will probably lead to fodder for gossip. Folks will probably talk about Cole’s unrequited crush on Michael. He knows from Emily that the rumor is that’s why he left town. He couldn’t care less.
On a whim, Cole drives up to the cabin in the woods where Damon had stayed and finds it in disrepair. Everything is as they left it: condom wrappers on the floor by the bed, the ashes of Alex’s journals in the sink, and a film of dust over everything. It seems unreal. Impossible. Untrue. It doesn’t fit in with the life he leads every day in San Juan.
When he leaves, Cole closes that chapter in his mind. He doesn’t think he needs to honor it anymore. It doesn’t do anyone any good or change anything at all to remember.
Cole survives the wedding, and with all the focus on Emily, no one seems to notice just how hard he’s faking it. He catches the garter, and everyone teases him about when he’ll find someone. He shrugs and says, “I’m happy. That’s all that matters right now.”
The flight back to San Juan is too long, and when he finally gets to their home, he finds Damon on the balcony staring at the sea. He’s drinking bourbon, which means he’s had a rough day. Cole prepares to be bombarded by a million tales of stupid students, but instead Damon keeps his back turned and stays quiet.
“Damon?”
Cole understands when Damon asks, “Did you want to stay?”
“No,” Cole says. “I want to be right here with you.” He wraps his arms around Damon from behind, hooks his chin over Damon’s shoulder, and feels Damon’s heartbeat against the palm of his hand. “Always.”
Damon rests back against Cole’s chest as they watch the waves together. “Good.”
A heart isa dangerous thing. You know this better than anyone. Hearts will not be complicit, or quiet. It’s a terrible risk to trust a heart.
You’ve read a lot of Poe since you first woke in a stolen body, alone in a cabin on the outskirts of Maryville, Tennessee, with the shadows of the mountains looming all around. Poe, Shelley, King. You’ve read the stories that tell the truth of you in more detail than you ever will.
Besides, who would believe you? Is there a man or woman alive who would listen to your tale and not deem you insane? Who would you want to tell? No one. There is only one man who matters. One man who knows the truth.
The truth is hearts are vicious, desperate, and cruel. They want and they yearn, and they’ll take what they shouldn’t have. You suppose there should be some grief for that, some shame for what is lost in the battle, or some respect for the man whose life you stole.
And yet you have none. Not even a drop. Because you have Cole, and that is all that matters.
Another truth be told, you don’t want this for him, this life away from all that made him Cole to begin with. But when he’s curled up under you, quivering and desperate, when you’re panting together in a sweaty pile of convulsing, trembling limbs, when your heart is pounding in your chest with love and want for him, and he’s smiling into your feverish kisses, you can’t say that you’re sorry, and you can’t say that you’d give it back.
Your heart is strong.
You will never give it back.
THE END