Page 39 of Rainwater

He shuddered, his whole body trembling as another sob caught in his throat. “Oh, God, Jennifer, don’t.”

“It’s not going to happen, though, is it, Corey?”

“I have unfinished business, Jennifer. I can’t make any promises.

I should never have stayed here so long and put you in danger.

I’m sorry about that. I can’t stay because I need to go back to the rodeo,” he lied.

He wasn’t about to tell her he loved her.

The painting had been a dream. Only that.

The reality she wanted he couldn’t give her because he couldn’t be sure of himself and he wasn’t going to stay and test that theory.

“Jay was to blame, Corey. Not you. He was the maniac.”

“Do you want me to go now, Jennifer?”

“No. I want you to stay as long as you can. I saw Ellie’s light on. Why don’t you go talk to her? I’ll be in my room when you’re done.”

Ellie sat on her bed listlessly trying to do her homework.

Her mind was not on the math problems in front of her, but on the trapped feelings of frustration and pain at the loss of Tucker’s friendship.

Later, she promised herself. Later she would talk to him about all her fears and the shame she felt when Jay died.

“Ellie?” Corey’s voice broke into her misery and she lifted her head only to see the resignation on his face. He was coming to tell her he was leaving. She could see the knowledge in his eyes, the unhappy slant to his mouth. It hurt, as if she were losing her own father.

“I don’t want you to go,” she said, tears forming in her eyes and running down her cheeks.

Corey made his way over to the bed. He sat on the edge and pulled Ellie into his arms. Holding her tightly, he smoothed his hand over her hair. He let her cry. Great gulping sobs that brought tears to his own eyes.

Ellie, I’m sorry, little darlin’. It’s time that I found out for myself who I am and where I’m going. Do you understand that I wouldn’t be any good to anyone without my own peace of mind?”

“I think so,” she said softly, not letting him go, her voice muffled against his chest.

“I want you to remember what you told me. Why you had to ride with a broken wrist. Do you remember?”

“I said that I had to do it for me. For myself.”

“Well, Ellie, that’s what I have to do. I’m not trying to prove anything to anyone. I have to do this for myself.” His chest ached with suppressed tears, his throat tight, so tight.

“It doesn’t make it any easier, Corey,” she murmured.

“I know,” he whispered.

“Are you coming back?” Her voice told him that she already knew the answer.

“No.”

“Why? We want you to.”

He leaned back so he could look into her eyes. “I can’t because a long time ago when I was a child, my father beat me, Ellie.”

“I’m so sorry, Corey.”

He swallowed, finding it hard to go on. “I’m afraid that part of that violence might be inside me, and if I stay here with you and your mom, it might come out. Do you understand?”

Ellie met his stare and nodded. “Yes. I understand. I understand because of Tucker.”

Corey nodded and pulled her against his chest once more.

He held her until his arms were numb, held her after she’d fallen asleep and physically hurt when he finally laid her down and covered her with the blanket.

He whispered hoarsely, “I love you, Eleanor Jean Horn, like you were my own child.” His voice broke on the last word.

Gently he kissed her temple, unaware of the tear that dropped from his eye onto the soft skin of her cheek.

A devastating salty farewell.

It was more than he’d hoped for. They loved him. The knowledge sang through him, yet scared him. Terrified-down-to-his-toes scared. Spitless scared.

He didn’t’ want to hurt them. He didn’t want to turn into some kind of monster. He couldn’t bear it if he did.

He was going to run again. Run away because it was easier than facing the devastating fear that his father’s words had been true after all. He was going to run and never look back. He was going to leave his dream behind.

Later, once he was in control of himself again, he made his way to Jennifer’s room, pushing open the door. She lay in bed, her eyes open, waiting for him.

“Come give me the night,” she said and he did. It was all he had to offer her.

The morning came too abruptly. Neither of them had slept. Even now, Jennifer lay feigning sleep. She felt him leave her and heard him get dressed. Very gently, he kissed her on the lips. “Goodbye, sweet darlin’.”

Jennifer heard the door close and she lay there, her stomach in vicious knots. She had to let him go. Once again a man was choosing the rodeo over her. She’d been a complete fool.

She never heard the bike roar down the driveway. Never noticed the time passing. There was only sadness and pain. And the horrifying numbness, which seemed to surround her and swallow her whole.

Days later, Jennifer and Ellie sat on the front porch, listlessly.

Ellie sat on the porch swing, pretending to read a book, pushing the worn wooden boards with the toe of her bare foot.

She hadn’t turned a page in ten minutes.

Jennifer sat in a rocker, rocking slowly back and forth.

It was better than pacing restlessly, pining for a man who had come to mean everything to her.

Without knowing why, she looked up and met Ellie’s eyes.

“He went to Austin,” Ellie said. “I saw his entry form. It’s a three-day rodeo. Today’s the last day. It’s not that far. We could go.”

She looked at her daughter’s hopeful face. Days had passed and already his absence was like a hole in her heart. She would have to go to him. Somehow she would have to convince him. Somehow she would have to bring him home.

It didn’t take long to get dressed and get into Jennifer’s truck.

They both smiled at each other before Jennifer inserted the key in the ignition.

We’re coming, Corey, and we’re not leaving without you , she said to herself, for the first time that day feeling full of hope and inspiration for a bright future with the man she loved.

He strapped on his chaps, taking great care with the buckle.

His hands were shaking, his insides tied up in knots.

He’d drawn Widowmaker, as he knew he would.

It was his last ride. He had the most points and this ride would decide the winner.

He had been like a man possessed during the tournament.

Widowmaker was the last challenge. He knew it because it was his destiny.

He walked toward the ring and climbed on the fence, looking down at the black-and-white bull. The time without Jennifer and Ellie had been so devastatingly lonely. He hadn’t slept at night. The hotel room was like a prison.

“Trying a little of the hair of the dog that bit you, huh, Rainwater?” A man’s voice broke into Corey’s thoughts.

Corey met the other man’s unflinching gaze. “Yeah. I’m going to bite him back.”

The man smiled and Corey straddled the bull, slipping his hand under the rope and binding it securely. That was all that anchored him to the animal. A piece of rope, a bell and sheer unadulterated guts. Sweat trickled down his face and he turned and nodded at the man holding the gate. “Let ‘em go.”

“He’ll be okay, Mommy,” Ellie said as they sat down, ready to watch the rest of the rodeo.

Jennifer smiled at her daughter and put her arm around her. “Who’s the mother here and who’s the daughter?”

Ellie smiled. “Do you still love him, Mom?”

“Yes, Ellie. I love him very much.”

Just then his name was called and she heard the chute open and her breath caught in her throat.

She’d never seen him so magnificent. Raw power against sheer brute strength.

She and Ellie watched transfixed as he rode the bull with the skill and determinations that was a deeply ingrained part of him.

She watched as the buzzer rang, the eight seconds gone and still, he rode.

“Mom,” Ellie said very softly, “I think he’s riding for us now. He doesn’t even know we’re here, but he’s riding for us.”

Jennifer knew it was true. It was just like him.

When he slipped off the bull with ease and grace, she and Ellie rose with the other people clapping and shouting and giving him his due.

Suddenly he turned and stared straight up at her, the deep green of his eyes hot and possessive, and she felt the bond between them tighten and solidify.

She blew him a kiss and he stared one more minute before he turned and exited the ring.

Somehow he knew they would come. That was why he’d ridden for as long as he could.

For them. He stood outside the gate, breathing hard, leaning against the fence for support.

He could walk away from the rodeo because now he had built new foundations.

Foundations that were forged by a beautiful woman with integrity and a warm, giving heart, and a little girl with innocence and grace who had taught him that being a father was a most natural and rewarding pursuit.

Now he needed only them, wanted only them.

He looked up to the stands and could easily pick out Jennifer.

A woman with fire in her hair and fire deep down in her heart.

A fire for him that she had set and he needed to tend and nurture so that it never went out.

Burned for all his life. Standing in the bright sunlight, he knew that he would only be whole with her.

Her and her sweet daughter. Walking away from his old life, turning his back on the rodeo, facing his fear was something he’d had to do.

Now that it was done, he had a life and a home. He had a future.

Slowly, he sifted through the memories. Ellie’s need for his approval and advice. The numerous times she had shown him innocent, heartfelt affection.

Ah, then there was Jennifer’s understanding, her desire and her love. Jennifer had shown him that touching didn’t have to hurt. He craved her with a powerful desire built upon a carefully constructed foundation of love.

A foundation both strong and enduring.