Page 12

Azrael

Another week has gone by, split by a weekend at Beau’s house where we can’t seem to get enough of each other. We’ve not gone more than two days apart, and every time we’re together, it gets harder to leave. Harder to hide from him when he sees so much of me.

I’ve spent my entire life with wings, but until him, I’ve never understood what it meant to fly.

He looks at me as if I’m the only person who exists; touches me, unashamed of his affection. Shares his triumphs and failures, his highs and lows, and the dreams that keep him going…

And here I am, holding myself back while taking every piece he gives. These fragmented, messy secrets hide behind my walls, not allowing him to see the biggest, realest parts of me.

Or at least, what used to be the biggest part of me.

Now, I’m not so sure.

The setting sun stretches in a gradient of orange and red over our heads as we walk to the truck, fingers interlocked. Warm rays of light paint over his soft smile, and my heart lodges in my throat as I realize how selfish I’ve been by hiding my truth from him.

This isn’t fair.

Not to him.

“Hey… are you okay?” Concern overshadows the contentment that was just there as he climbs into the driver’s seat, the hum of the engine a comforting familiarity underneath my feet.

“Yeah, I’m great,” I lie, forcing a smile so tight my face might crack right in half. It’s fake, artificial and wrong; nothing better than a cutout piece of cardboard glued to my mouth. “Dinner was amazing. Everything was amazing… you’re amazing.”

His expression softens as he tucks me under his arm, driving into the setting night as I nestle in the comfort of his embrace. Exhaustion from my mental war catches up to me, and my eyelids grow heavy, limbs twitching as sleep pulls me under its spell.

A soft kiss presses into my hair as he whispers, “I think I’m falling in love with you, Azrael.” But I’m so tired, and it’s so quiet, that I can’t really be sure it isn’t all a dream.

Micah sits behind his massive marble desk, his assessing gaze taking me in as he leans back, fingers steepled in front of his face. His larger-than-life presence has always been imposing, but today he’s particularly calculating.

“You wanted to see me?” I ask, and he nods, gesturing towards the chair across from him.

“Azrael, I won’t lie… when you were selected to fill this role, I prepared myself for the worst. My initial prediction was a month so destructive it could only be called... what is the phrase the humans use? A dumpster fire? I expected to walk out these doors and find the entire realm thick with the stench of your failure. Frankly, I was willing to put down a significant amount of money that this would end in absolute catastrophe.” He turns thoughtful, eyes going far-away. “Actually, it just occurred to me that I need to check on that betting pool.”

The brutal honesty in his words stuns me into silence, and it takes a moment for my brain to come back online. “Right…” I drawl, trying to stop the fidgeting in my hands. “Um, I’m not really sure how I’m supposed to respond to that.”

He waves a dismissive hand before tossing his long, perfectly silky opalescent hair over his shoulder. “Suffice it to say, you have proven me wrong, Azrael. That is a rare feat, indeed.”

A snarky comment waits on the tip of my tongue, but instead, I shake my head as I blurt, “There is something I have to tell you.” My fingers trace nervous patterns on the table as he focuses once more, his eyes becoming lilac laser beams of scrutiny. “And questions I need to ask.”

“Alright.” Chin lifting with an obvious arrogance, he sweeps his hand. “Continue.”

“When I first took the position, I… kind of made a mistake.”

The scornful laugh that huffs from his lips is filled to the brim with condescension. “Oh, my dear boy, you made many, many mistakes.”

“That’s… yeah. That’s probably fair,” I mutter before taking a deep breath, steeling myself to let the truth out. “When I was called to a summons, I accidentally shot a woman while she was focused on the wrong man.”

To my surprise, he just snickers. “Please, as though you’re the only Cupid who’s ever made that mistake. It makes for a little obsessive behavior, but it’s not a big deal. One particular man grew so obsessed with his fake match that he became the inspiration for a popular stalker romance. It was actually quite amusing. I have the paperback if you’d like to read it.” His eyes land on my face—wide-eyed and shocked, no doubt—and lets out another chuckle. “Give it a month and the obsession will fade. She’ll be fine.”

“That’s, uh, a lot to unpack… although, yeah, I’d love to borrow the book, if you don’t mind.” Back on track, Az. “But there’s more… I also kinda, sorta, accidentally shot… myself.”

“Yourself?” Oh boy, those eyebrows are high on his face.

My fingers commence their anxious fidget as I nod. “Dropped the arrow, actually, and it stabbed me right in the foot.” He opens his mouth, but I shake my head and hold my hand up. “Please, just let me tell you the whole story before I chicken out again. That way, you have all the information before you start yelling.”

He hesitates, then sighs. “Alright, then. Out with it.”

“Ever since I dropped that arrow, I’ve been completely infatuated with this human. I understand the arrows don’t create false emotions, I do, but Micah… I’m falling for this man, and I’m pretty sure he’s falling for me, too. The effect will fade eventually, and the thought of how my feelings might change? It’s unbearable . He’d be left loving someone that might only sort of like him in return. I don’t want to do that to him, would rather die than hurt him, but I can’t fucking stay away.”

My eyes sting as I take a deep breath, filling my lungs before I continue. “He doesn’t know who I am… doesn’t even know what I am. How fucked up is that?! He’s a human and I’m a Cherub, but I love him just the same. Or at least, I feel like I do. There has to be a way for us to make it work… I need to make it work.”

“And I… I’ve been researching. Cherubs have given up their wings for humans in the past, but I can’t make that magnitude of a decision while I’m under the effects of the arrow. That stupid fucking arrow. If I hadn’t been so clumsy…” I shake my head, not daring to look at Micah again. “It’s my fault. It’s always my fucking fault, and it is absolutely killing me to wait. There’s this wedge between us, and it’s because of me. I keep driving it deeper because I’m lying , but I’m lying for him! What do I do, Micah? I just…” A tear streaks my cheek as I deflate, sinking back into my chair as I stare at my lap. “I don’t know what to do.”

Silence descends between us, thick and heavy, the seconds ticking away like a bomb as I wait.

“Well, that was certainly not what I expected.” I glance up, finding him staring at me with curious intensity, drumming those steepled fingers on his chin. “After that information dump, my next statement might be inappropriate, but here it is. I was planning on asking you to take the position of The Cupid permanently.”

“What?” I whisper, watery eyes wide as I stare, openmouthed.

“Yes, what, indeed. Your human man puts a kink in those plans, doesn’t he?” Speechless, I can only watch as he gestures towards a stack of papers on his desk. “Azrael, aside from a few minor mistakes, your matches have been immaculate. Satisfaction rates are through the roof, and though it’s too early to tell, I believe your longevity statistics will be even more impressive.”

“But,” I stutter, my lip wobbling before I get myself under control. “That doesn’t make sense. I’m just… I’m just me. Clumsy, dorky Azrael that barely has his own life together. I can’t even figure out my own happiness, much less be responsible for the entirety of humankind. That’s… absurd.”

“Ah, that’s the way it goes, though, isn’t it?” He’s thoughtful as he appraises me. “The lens through which we view others is often different from the one we use to examine ourselves.”

“What about Beau?”

An expression bordering on guilt crosses his face. “Azrael, there is something you need to understand.”

“If being The Cupid means I have to give him up, I won’t do it. There’s no way I’ll leave him behind, even if it is just the arrow influencing my emotions. No one in my entire fucking life has ever seen me like he does, and he’s only getting half of me. It isn’t fair .”

“Azrael.” Micah’s voice raises, and I calm the uncharacteristic snarl that was forming on my lip and clamp my mouth shut, waiting. “The arrows don’t work on Cherubs.”

Everything stills, even the air around us seeming to hold its breath as I stare. "Wha... what?" I whisper.

The smile he offers me has a touch of sadness to it. “Everything you feel, everything you’ve ever felt for this man, is real. There’s no magic behind it. Nothing fake.”

Relief, so potent it takes my breath away, almost knocks me to the ground, and my lips separate in a quiet sob. My eyes squeeze shut, hot tears streaming down my face as the flimsy armor I’d constructed to shield myself crumbles into a million pieces, leaving me exposed and vulnerable.

Split wide open and raw, every emotion I’ve been trying to suppress comes rushing out, and I’m regretful and sad and sorry , so fucking sorry. Apologetic and ashamed and…

And happy.

Another sob wracks through my body as I fill my lungs and allow myself a moment to soak in its warmth.

Happiness. Belonging. And for once in my life… acceptance.

It’s real.

Real .

“I love him,” I whisper.

“So you do,” he mutters, almost to himself, before his voice returns to his normal level. “Get comfortable, Azrael. It would seem we have a lengthy discussion ahead of us.”

The low, guttural rumble of Beau’s truck reaches me long before the red monstrosity pulls into the parking lot. Despite my nerves, a shaky smile tugs at my face as his beaming grin finds me through the windshield.

He jogs over, wearing a pair of athletic shorts and a navy-blue polo shirt, a cap covering his unruly hair. He spins it as he approaches, because he doesn’t want it in the way when he kisses me.

I never understood the fixation with backward caps until this man.

“Hey, darlin’,” he mutters, sweeping me into his arms as he presses his lips to mine. “I hate going this long without seeing you.”

“It’s been two days,” I tease, and he grins, unashamed.

“Yeah, I know, but that’s two days too many. It’s Friday, and I, uh, wasn’t sure if you wanted to spend the weekend with me again.”

“I do… I really do, I swear.” We walk hand in hand along the path as I work up my nerve, and he follows my lead without question. Outdoors in public seemed like the better way to approach this, but I’m second guessing my decision to meet in the park. The privacy of his house might have been smarter, but now that he’s here, I can’t wait any longer.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” So, so heartbreakingly gentle, he uses a finger to tip my face to his. Whatever he sees there makes his lips pull into a hard, flat line as his breathing speeds up. “No, no, Az, no… please don’t end this… I’m not ready,” he whispers, his grip on me tightening. “Don’t break my heart, not yet.”

“I’ll try,” I whisper back, offering him a trembling half-smile. “We are long overdue for a conversation, and we both know it. All those answers you’ve been asking for? It’s time you got them.”

“Alright,” he says, voice strained as we sit on a bench, and he turns, pulling his ankle over his knee as he twists to face me. Arm stretched across the back of the bench, he brushes my shoulder with his fingertips, as though he can’t stand not touching me.

“The, um, cousin I’ve been staying with?”

“Let me make sure I’m following… this is the cousin whose house you’re Tourette’s-proofing?” That flimsy lie suffered a drawn-out death long ago, if the lift of his brow and deadpan delivery tell me anything.

I nod. “That would be the one. Look, Beau, you’ve already figured out there is no cousin. I was… sent here for work when we met.”

“Where have you been living? Oh, God, please don’t tell me you’re married…”

“No, no, no,” I hurry to say as panic crosses his face. “Nothing like that, I swear . But there have been no Ubers, and I haven’t been staying in town. Any night I’m not with you, I sleep at home. Alone,” I add, but his expression only twists in confusion.

“But… you said you live far away.”

“I do,” I whisper with a gulp. “Thing is, Beau… I have a very… unique job, and for you to understand what I do, you have to understand that I’m not exactly—”

Past his shoulder, movement catches my attention and steals my words as I crane my head to stare. The world halts, everything happening at once.

“You took him from me, you asshole !” Fury is written all over Delilah’s twisting snarl as Beau whips to face her. We both struggle to shield the other from the threat, our movements turning into a push and pull as we fight to get in front.

Beau stares at the crazed woman, baffled, as he shakes his head. “I was never yours ,” he argues, shoving me behind him once again. “I don’t even know you!”

“You would’ve!” she shrieks, face ripening to a deep red in her anger, bulging veins snaking along her neck. “You would have gotten to know me and you would have loved me like I love you! We would have been so perfect together, but he !” A jittery finger jabs in my direction as I struggle to get between the two of them. “He ruined it!”

Beau leaps in front of me, doing an annoyingly affective job of blocking my body with his larger one. “You’re nuts,” he says, sliding his phone from his pocket while he pins me with his other hand. “You are legitimately insane, and I am fucking done with these games. This is finished, okay? I’m calling the police.”

“Oh, no you aren’t,” she laughs, her hand quaking as she pulls a pistol from behind her back, levelling it at Beau. Wide, unblinking eyes shift to mine, mania dancing in her dilated pupils. “If I can’t have him, neither can you.”

My vision tunnels, time slowing to a crawl as the world tilts, the white flash of the trigger the final, desperate punctuation to her madness.

And it’s all my fault.

My fault, my fault, my fault.

A sonic boom of noise tears through my ears in a violent assault, and the sound barrier explodes in a furious crash.

“No!” I scream, wings snapping out in a panic. They curl around Beau, tucking us into a cocoon of pale pink feathers right as the bullet finds its mark, pain searing through my body like lightning.