Page 7 of Pucking Complicated (Thin Ice Book 5)

The off season was a mixture of heartache and peace. Booker never knew which emotion would win when he woke each day. Lev had ended up only staying with him for two weeks. From there, and with no choice left to him, Booker joined Lev in Phoenix. Being around Lev had been the peaceful part of his life. For someone so unbelievably famous, he enjoyed his downtime from the game. Occasionally, he gave Booker an errand to run just to make him feel needed. For the most part, they hung by the pool and caught up with each other’s lives.

Oddly, Lev turned secretive each time the topic of his dating life arose. Booker was fine with that, considering he didn’t want to talk about Dash. He had too much time to think, though. Booker realized now he hadn’t truly considered Dash’s feelings. While he still believed Dash was one hundred percent wrong for accusing him of cheating, he hadn’t thought about what Dash would think about his dinner with Lev. Not that Booker had known their trip to a restaurant would end up on the news. Still, Booker wasn’t blind to Dash’s insecurities. The thing was, though, Dash wasn’t the only insecure one. Jenny’s words still cut him deep. Booker spent too much time wondering if Dash’s over the top reaction had just been a ploy to get rid of Booker while they were apart. No in-person drama needed. Dash could simply enjoy his freedom at Olympic City with whoever he wanted, leaving Booker in the dust. He didn’t know how to feel.

Booker didn’t watch the games. He knew the U.S. had brought home the bronze. Otherwise, he avoided any details. Booker couldn’t watch people cheering on the sidelines and lusting for what Booker hadn’t known how to keep. He already felt like the biggest of losers.

His drive home from the airport was made in stop and go traffic. For not the first time, Booker seriously considered the offer Lev made him before he left. Booker could keep working for him permanently or until he found a head coaching job. He could leave the only city he had ever truly known and start a new life. It was the only option that felt doable at the moment. He didn’t know if he could ever face Dash again. Booker just wasn’t that strong. Truthfully, he still didn’t know if working for Lev meant living in Phoenix or New Orleans. Heated contract discussions were still taking place. If Lev drove talks into the preseason, he could make real bank like most players had never seen. Unfortunately, it was a strategy that could backfire. Then they would both be out of the job.

Booker’s foot automatically lifted from the gas as he neared his home. Dash’s truck sat in the driveway. He almost kept going. Then he spotted Dash at the bottom of the front steps, looking as if he debated leaping from his chair to ring the doorbell. Booker hit the button to open his garage door. Dash’s head turned his way. Booker’s heart ached. He parked and took his time, dragging his luggage from the car. Dash waited outside the garage door. Booker couldn’t even look at him. It hurt too much.

“Did you take a trip?”

Booker finally found the courage to look Dash’s way at his question. “Something like that. I had to work somewhere during off season.”

“What does that mean?”

Booker didn’t want to be angry or hurt, but he was. “My dad fired me when I wouldn’t tolerate him disrespecting you. I had to find an alternative way to support myself.” The bitterness in his voice couldn’t be missed.

“Out of state?”

“What do you want?” Booker couldn’t handle this right now. Maybe not ever. He needed Dash gone. Booker had underestimated how badly being near him would hurt.

“I came to apologize.”

“For what?” Booker knew he was being difficult. He didn’t know how to stop. No one had ever hurt him as badly as Dash.

Dash rolled his chair back and forth a hair as if nervous. “For accusing you of cheating. You didn’t deserve that. For what it’s worth, I don’t think it had anything to do with you. I guess I didn’t realize how insecure I’ve become until I heard your name paired with someone else.”

Booker pinched the spot between his eyes where a headache raged. “Look. There’s no need to apologize or have hard feelings. My stepmom is right. I had to wait for you to lower your standards to even look at me. So maybe this is for the best. You can find someone better now.”

Dash swallowed. “Is that what started the fight with your dad?”

“Does it matter?” Booker wanted to fight, but he also just wanted to be alone. His heart hadn’t been ready for this confrontation.

“It does to me.”

Booker blew out a sigh. “Yeah. I decided I wouldn’t let them disrespect us and told them to go fuck themselves. Dad left a voicemail, letting me know not to come back. None of this matters now. It’s been a long time coming.”

“It matters to me.”

Exasperation nearly took out his knees. “Why? You’re free now. You’re an Olympic champion. Go meet your standards and leave me behind like the bad dream I’ve been.”

“Why in the fuck are you being so flippant about us? I love you. You are the most incredible man in the world. I don’t want anyone else.”

Booker lifted his suitcase an inch and slammed it back down in his frustration. “I spent the past few weeks in Phoenix, staying with Lev so I could work as his assistant.” There. If nothing else ran Dash off, that would.

Dash looked slightly confused. “Okay. Did he pay you enough to cover your bills, or do you need my help?”

“Why are you doing this?” Booker was on the edge of tears. He had never wanted anyone as much as he had Dash, and now they were done. There was no way Dash understood how much his presence broke Booker. He didn’t want to hurt anymore.

“I love you.”

“Stop.” Even Booker heard the crack in his voice.

“No. I love you.” Dash looked so damn serious.

Still, Booker couldn’t let down his guard. There was already nothing left of his heart. “Please go away.”

“I love you.”

“Goddamn it, Dash. I don’t want you here.”

“I love you.”

It hit Booker. Dash used the same tactic Booker did when he wanted a subject dropped. The first tear fell. Booker looked away. He wasn’t a crier. His dad would never tolerate a crier. Booker had grown up and taken a real man’s job. He was strong now and didn’t have to take the hits. Crying always only made things worse.

Dash took his hand and kissed it. “I love you.” His voice sounded soft and cajoling. “Please, baby. Don’t walk away from us. I love you. I should’ve trusted you. Truthfully, it wasn’t you at all. I didn’t think I could keep someone as amazing as you. You deserve a man who can give you everything the way Lev can. That’s all I could think. I just knew you’d seen your worth and left me in the dust. But I love you. No one else could ever give you as much love as I can. That I know as a fact. No one could love you more than I do. This pressure in my chest is too big. There’s no way anyone could match it.”

Booker stared at the sky, seeing nothing. He wanted to believe.

Dash kissed his hand again. “Please look at me, baby.”

Despite his common sense, Booker dropped his chin. He didn’t want Dash to see him cry, but he couldn’t resist Dash.

Dash tugged a little at a time, drawing Booker closer until he had Booker on his lap. He kissed the tip of Booker’s nose. “I love you.” Booker’s heart squeezed. Dash kissed the corner of his mouth. “I love you. Tell me you love me too.”

Goddamn him. Booker didn’t want to give in, but his heart betrayed him. “I love you too.”

Dash grabbed Booker by the jaw and pulled him in for a kiss. Goosebumps rose on Booker’s skin. He didn’t understand why everything Dash did had to be so goddamn sexy. It wasn’t fair. The way Dash cradled his throat and controlled their kiss had Booker hooked. His fingers dove into Dash’s hair. He held on while Dash explored his mouth. They had been apart too long. Booker’s body burned. Most of all, his heart craved Dash’s affection. He didn’t know how to walk away. Booker feared he couldn’t.

In his time away from Booker, Dash had done some real soul searching. He had a breakthrough that all the therapy in the world hadn’t managed. Dash felt insecure because he had stopped being the take-charge guy he had been before his accident. He had let that wreck steal more than just the use of his legs. Dash had turned passive. That wouldn’t work for him. Plus, Booker deserved a man who wasn’t afraid to do whatever it took to keep him. He would fight. Booker belonged to him.

Thankfully, Booker kept a ramp in his garage so Dash could get inside. The moment he had Booker alone, he snagged Booker’s waist and towed him into his lap again. Booker laughed and clung to Dash’s neck as Dash wheeled him down the hall.

“I’m holding my baby. I’ve been sick thinking about never getting to touch you again.” Not to mention, he had never thought he would make Booker cry. He definitely hadn’t considered how seeing Booker’s tears would break him. Booker worked a job made for tough men. He knew Booker hated Dash had seen him that vulnerable. That needed to end, though. This was forever. If they couldn’t expose themselves completely to each other, then they couldn’t show their true selves to anyone. Dash didn’t want to live like that. He couldn’t imagine Booker did either.

At the edge of Booker’s bed, Booker climbed from his lap onto the mattress. Dash positioned his chair so he could do the same. In no time, he had Booker in his arms again. “God, I’ve missed you like crazy. I can’t tell you how many times I was ready to ditch the games so I could be with you.”

He felt Booker laugh. “Do you know how angry I would’ve been?”

“That’s the only reason I didn’t do it. I knew you’d never forgive me if I gave up what you helped me achieve.”

For a while, they quietly held each other. Finally, Booker broke the silence. “I should’ve at least texted you before going to dinner with Lev.”

Dash shook his head. “You’re allowed to have friends. Like I said, my reaction had nothing to do with you. I know I can trust you. You needed a friend after everything with your dad. I wasn’t here.”

“I was just so damn upset that night. You weren’t answering my calls and everything was a fucking mess. Dad just—ugh. He makes me so fucking mad. Why would a father let his wife talk to his son the way he lets Jenny talk to me?” Before Dash could respond, Booker answered his own question. “Because he doesn’t love me. Probably he never has. I’m just the obligation my mom left behind when she died.”

Dash squeezed Booker. He didn’t know how to fix it. “Obviously, I can’t replace your biological family, but you have me.”

Booker’s hand found its way beneath Dash’s shirt, as if he needed to be skin on skin. Dash’s eyes fell closed. He craved the connection. His throat swelled. He had come so close to losing this. Too close. Booker meant everything to him. Dash couldn’t let this happen again. He couldn’t go back to feeling the way he felt before Booker saved him. A horrible realization washed over Dash on the heels of his thoughts. Booker probably always felt the same way. All they had was each other. If Booker didn’t have him, who would hold Booker like this? His heart felt like it was being crushed. He honestly didn’t believe Booker would have let him down the way Dash had done him. From day one with the Chuckers, Booker had been there for him. Quietly and steadily at his side. He didn’t know how to live without Booker. Booker was his other half.

He sniffed, trying not to cry.

Booker cuddled closer.

He kissed the top of Booker’s head. A tear slipped from the corner of his eye.

Booker made a sound that he only made when he slept.

A chuckle escaped Dash. He swiped at his eyes. Dash grabbed a handful of blankets and covered them. He was exhausted. Between the nonstop working and not sleeping, his eyes felt heavy. Dash was home. He could rest.