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How It Started…
For the love of God, man! Your gear! You know the rules. Turn in your crap in the condition you received it—and not smelling like crap .
Pick it up and fix it by Friday afternoon or you’ll be fined. And this time the fine will be the equivalent of replacement.
P
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 15, 2024 Subject: RE: Gear
P…
I don’t know who you’re trying to reach, but it’s not me. I certainly wouldn’t turn in—what is it? Some kind of equipment?—whatever it is, in stinky condition.
Not a heathen,
A
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 15, 2024 Subject: RE: Gear
Seriously Aiden. Ha-ha. Not funny. Get your ass over here. I can barely stand to be in the equipment room with your crap.
P
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 15, 2024 Subject: RE: Gear
P
Not Aiden.
A
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 16, 2024 Subject: RE: Gear
This isn’t Aiden Varnum?
P
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 16, 2024 Subject: RE: Gear
Nope.
A
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 17, 2024 Subject: RE: Gear
Shit. Sorry. Do you KNOW Aiden?
P
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 17, 2024 Subject: RE: Gear — Still not Aiden
Nope. And I’m guessing he’s a smelly guy. I am neither smelly nor a guy.
A
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 17, 2024 Subject: RE: Gear — Still not Aiden
Great. Sorry to bother you. And generally (in case you do know him and just aren’t saying) he doesn’t reek. Not that I go around sniffing him. That’s really not my thing. But his week-old, unwashed gear is rank.
Again, sorry to bother you, A.
P
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 17, 2024 Subject: RE: Gear — Still not Aiden
No big deal. This is the most excitement my abysmally empty inbox has gotten lately—besides inappropriate spam, of course. But we don’t talk about those messages in email club.
I hope you find Stinky Aiden. Maybe, you should check with the registrar’s office since you ended up with a wrong email address.
A
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 20, 2024 Subject: Not Aiden
Hey Not Aiden,
Just wanted to send you a message and let you know I found him. In case you were wondering how the story ended.
It ended with him taking care of his gear, a shitton of Fabreeze to remove his stink from the general area and a big fine. Yes, I still fined him, and no, I don’t feel bad about it. I don’t want to deal with this again next year.
P
PS: I choked on my Monster when you reference Fight Club.
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 20, 2024 Subject: RE: Not Aiden
You still fined him? Harsh. But I’m sure you were feeling disgruntled after dealing with that smell infiltrating your space.
So…you’re the captain of one of the teams? Which one? I mean…I guess I could look up this Aiden guy.
A
PS: I don’t even want to know what you were doing with your monster that you choked on it.
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 20, 2024 Subject: RE: Not Aiden
Drinking a Monster ENERGY DRINK! I don’t even want to know what you were thinking.
You could look him up but you probably wouldn’t find him. Apparently, I spelled his last name way way wrong, too. Plus he wasn’t “official” on the team this year. You don’t get officially listed unless you get play time. Nice try.
So what does A stand for?
P
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 20, 2024 Subject: For Me to Know
Sorry, that’s confidential. Don’t you know you shouldn’t give personal information to strangers on the internet—especially those who lurk uninvited in your inbox like questionable cyber stalkers? You could have nefarious intentions.
A
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 21, 2024 Subject: RE: For Me to Know
Nefarious? You’re an English major, aren’t you?
Also, I think your email dated April 17, where you said “No big deal. This is the most excitement my abysmally empty inbox has gotten lately” was an invitation. So…you invited me here.
Are you saying I shouldn’t write? Rude.
And no. I have no nefarious plans. Not yet anyway.
P
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 21, 2024 Subject: RE: For Me to Know
Well, since you completely side-stepped my question—you thought I didn’t notice, huh?—let me think about which sports might be turning in their gear right about now. Hmm, what sport could you be the “capt” of?
A
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 21, 2024 Subject: RE: For Me to Know
Wait. You yell at me about email stalking you, then you write me back?
Never said I was a captain of a sport.
P
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 21, 2024 Subject: RE: For Me to Know
I am an enigma. Also, genius, getting “play time” and “gear” suggest it’s a sport.
I never said you couldn’t write. I just said I wouldn’t give you private info.
A
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 21, 2024 Subject: RE: For Me to Know
Okay, smartass, but it could also mean chess or the aeronautics competition club.
P
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 21, 2024 Subject: RE: For Me to Know
Pretty sure it’s not that. Try again. Chess wouldn’t result in stinky gear. At least, I don’t think so. I mean, what in God’s name would Aiden be doing with those chess pieces?
DON’T answer that!
Also there is no aeronautics competition club at Rustin U. Try again.
A
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 21, 2024 Subject: RE: For Me to Know
Fine. It might be a sport.
Keep it secret. Keep it safe.
P
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 22, 2024 Subject: A LOTR reference?
Be still my heart. A Lord of the Rings reference? My estimation of you has risen slightly, Captain.
A
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 22, 2024 Subject: RE: A LOTR reference?
I’m not a dumb jock. I’ve read the trilogy a few times…and seen the movies more than a few. I know about more than just [sport name redacted].
P
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 22, 2024 Subject: RE: A LOTR reference?
Point to you. I should feel ashamed of my assumption. I should but I don’t. Still, my noncommittal opinion has shifted in your favor.
Tell me you’ve read The Hobbit, too, and I’ll forget you called me a stinky boy.
Later,
A
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 22, 2024 Subject: Victory
Read it. Grumbled about the wide scope of license taken with not one but THREE movies.
Obliviate activated.
And I throw a triumphant fist into the air! Don’t You…forget about…
P
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 22, 2024 Subject: RE: Victory
A Harry Potter reference? A Breakfast Club reference, too? I may perish from the shock.
Okay, P. You win this round. 2 points to Gryffindor.
A
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 22, 2024 Subject: RE: Victory
Should I tell you now that I’m a Slytherin and not a Gryffindor?
P
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 22, 2024 Subject: RE: Victory
Honestly…that’s not a surprise.
It’s okay. You can keep your measly points. I’m sure you won’t get more. ;)
A
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 23, 2024 Subject: RE: Victory
Aw, thx. Did you just winky face me?
P
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: April 24, 2024 Subject: Gotta Go. Happy Summer!
A winky face? Maybe. Are you emoji-averse? I’ve heard that’s a thing. I’ll leave you alone now to process your winky-face feelings during this difficult time.
Anyway, I’m off to my last final exam for the semester then I’m heading home. Have a good summer. Avoid stinky gear. Read a book. Don’t get attacked by sharks. Send good vibes my way while I deal with my family who’d rather I was at school for the rest of their lives.
Enough about them. Have a good summer, P.
A
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: August 20, 2024 Subject: Welcome Back!!
Hey, A,
Way to deny me the last word last spring.
Hope you had a great summer, survived your family only mildly scathed, didn’t get sunburned too many times, and only contracted poison ivy once or twice.
I wanted to let you know I did not, in fact, get attacked by sharks. Had a close call with a T-Rex on Isla Nublar. But I’m safe and sound and currently studying advanced calculus.
P
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: September 4, 2024 Subject: RE: Welcome Back!!
Thanks for the warm welcome back. Sorry I didn’t see your email until now. I was still recovering from a debilitating case of poison ivy (just kidding).
Really, I’ve been busy finding housing since my place for this year fell through. Found an apartment to share and I’m getting settled. I think my roommate is a little crazy, though—and not in a good way.
I’m glad you didn’t get a shark bite.
But now a Jurassic Park reference? I’m beginning to believe you spend all your time at the movies.
A
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: September 6, 2024 Subject: RE: Welcome Back!!
Hey, I read. It was a book first. And also, I’d like to point out: Takes one to know one. You’ve recognized every one of my references.
So… Don’t you think, after all this time, we should exchange names.
P
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From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Date: September 4, 2024 Subject: RE: Hey
You first.
Truly,
A (and I’ll start off your guessing with a hint: It’s not Annie, Angela, Addison or Abby.)