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Chapter Thirty-Nine

IZZIE

T hree days have gone by since we lost Cicero, and the house feels like a tomb. Dad spent most of the time in his office and refused to check on the other horses. Cicero was his favorite, and I fear it will take a long time for him to heal from the loss.

We’re all sad about it, and Lydia is still blaming herself for the accident. It’s the Fourth of July, but no one is in the mood to celebrate.

I’m off work today, and the first thing I do before heading to the stables is make sure Dad is okay. I bring him breakfast in his office and find him staring at a picture of Cicero and me.

“Good morning, Dad. I brought you something to eat.”

Without looking at me, he says, “Thank you, darling.”

I set the tray on his desk and walk closer to him. “He was such a beauty.”

“He was,” he replies in a choked-up voice, then his face crumbles. “I don’t remember when this picture was taken.”

The sadness in his voice makes my heart hurt even more. “It was my sixth birthday, and you’d promised to let me ride Cicero by myself, remember?”

His bloodshot eyes are blank as he stares at me. He doesn’t remember. “Did you ride him solo that day?”

I nod. “I did. Mom got mad at you for letting me ride him.”

His eyes finally light up. “That’s right. She got downright frightening and made me sleep on the couch that night.”

“She did? I don’t remember that.”

He laughs. “You were already in bed. Crashed hard after eating all that cake and sweets.”

“It was a good birthday.” I rest my head against his shoulder. It’s nice to hear him laugh, even though it’s laced with sorrow. My eyes prickle, but I can’t cry in front of him.

“It was. Thanks for helping me remember.”

I step back and look into his eyes. “Anytime, Dad. Now eat your food before it gets cold.”

“Oh, all right.”

* * *

I ’d been keeping myself together ever since we said goodbye to Cicero, but the conversation with my father gutted me. I’m holding back tears as I rush out of the house and run to the stables. My chest is tight, and I’m having difficulty breathing. When I finally get there, I stand in front of Cicero’s empty stall and lose it. The ugly tears wrack my body, making me shake where I stand. I’m glad no one is around to see me like this. I’m supposed to be the strong one. I can’t let my family see me fall apart.

“Izzie?” a voice I know all too well calls from the stable’s entrance.

I tense, not daring to believe Jackson is here. I’ve been avoiding his messages and calls for three days. I thought he’d get the hint that I don’t want anything to do with him.

I turn, and it’s like he steals the air out of my lungs. I want to cry harder, run into his arms, yell at him, but I don’t do any of those things. Instead, I wipe my wet cheeks hastily and bark, “What?”

He’s already walking over with determined strides, and then he pulls me into a tight hug. “I’m so sorry.”

My heart rejoices at being near him, and I start to melt. But my brain rebels and doesn’t allow me the weakness. I remain tense and don’t return his embrace.

Jackson steps back and studies me with those intense blue eyes. “I’d have come sooner, but I couldn’t risk getting you sick.”

“It’d be in vain if you had come.”

His brows pinch together. “I know I couldn’t have changed what hap?—”

“That’s not what I’m talking about,” I grit out, using my anger to dull the pain of his betrayal.

He narrows his eyes. “Enlighten me then.”

“I’m not a toy you can play with a few times, then move on to the next shiny thing.”

“Izzie… you’re not making any sense.”

I wasn’t planning on spelling it out for him, but the image of Caroline wearing his shirt comes to the forefront of my mind. “I went by your house after the parade.”

His eyes turn round. “Shit.”

“Yes, a big, stinky pile of that.” I start to walk around him, but he grabs my arm.

“It’s not what you think. Please let me explain.”

I pull my arm free from his grasp. “It’s never what it seems, is it?”

“I know you’re being sarcastic, but in this case, it truly isn’t. I was already sick when I got home, running a fever. It had been raining the whole day. Caroline came into my house uninvited and decided to change into one of my shirts while I was in the shower.”

The pain in my chest intensifies. He was naked while that bitch was going through his things. I don’t doubt that invasion of privacy would be her MO, but it doesn’t change the fact he went home with her, or that I felt so shitty about it.

I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter! I didn’t hook up with her. I’d never… Izzie…” He touches my face with the tips of his fingers, and in another moment of weakness, I let him. “I’m crazy about you.”

He’s saying all the right things, and my heart rejoices, but my brain is in protection mode. I flinch, and he notices, lowering his arm.

“I’m sorry, Jackson. I can’t do this. You and me… it’s too much, and it isn’t what I want.”

“I see,” he says. His face is a cold mask now, and it feels like a blow to my stomach. “I won’t bother you again.” He turns around and walks away.

My heart breaks into tiny pieces with each step he takes, but I can’t bring myself to ask him to stay. He already has too much power over me.