Page 11

TEN

SHOTGUN

I swing my leg over my bike, and reach into my saddle bags, taking out the drawstring bag I dumped my bloody clothes into. I could’ve disposed of them after I took a quick shower at the clubhouse, but I knew… I fucking knew she’d have the fire pit going. The woman has a sixth sense when it comes to my sins.

Clutching the bag in my fist, I follow the scent of burning wood into the yard. I find Jade sitting in one of the Adirondak chairs in front of the fire, her knees drawn up to her chest, a glass of red wine in her hand, the mostly empty bottle on the small table beside her.

I pause for a moment, giving myself a moment to drink her in. The glow from the fire illuminates her face, and I can see her cheeks are flushed. I’m just not sure if that’s a side effect of the wine or the heat from the fire. Either way, she looks vibrant and relaxed.

Unsticking my feet from the ground, I tear my gaze away from her and make my way toward the fire. Feeling her eyes on me, I reach into the bag and toss my sneakers into the flames, watching as fire grow taller. Next to go is my bloody t-shirt, followed by my favorite pair of jeans. When there is nothing left to burn, I throw the bag into the pit too.

It’s all so routine.

“What number is that?”

Her voice is raspy. It gets like that after she’s had a few drinks, or when she’s overly tired, and every time it happens, it sends a jolt to my cock. Because try as I might to forget, I know her voice gets like that when she cums too. I close my eyes as the image of her pinned against the wall, her legs wrapped around Irish’s waist, fills my head. You think after all these years I would’ve found a way to bleach the memory from my mind, but for some torturous reason, my brain won’t let me forget the way she looked that night.

Her cheeks were flushed then too, and when she begged him to fuck her harder, her eyes locked with mine over his shoulder. I expected to feel some resemblance of shame at her catching me watch her climb her way to ecstasy, but that feeling never came.

I swallow thickly as my eyes meet her from over the flames. “Four.”

She’s witnessed the aftermath of every kill, and it doesn’t seem to faze her. At least not in the way I figured it would.

I guess Irish trained her right.

There ain’t too many women who would still welcome a man into her home, and trust him with her children, all while knowing the night before he was drawing the filthy soul out of a body, even if that body is the reason she’s a widow.

Jade eyes me from the rim of her glass but doesn’t say a word.

She accepts me as I am.

Every cell in my body knows I should bid her goodnight and make my way to the side apartment. The adrenaline is still alive in my veins, and I did nothing to release it. I am a ticking time bomb walking straight to Hell.

I drop my ass into the chair next to hers, my gaze lowering to the bottle of wine.

“You and Bella polish that off?” I ask, smoothing my hands over my denim clad thighs. I hunker back against the chair, spreading my legs wide as I make myself comfortable, staring at her as she takes a long sip of her wine, draining what’s left in the glass.

“Nope, that’s bottle number two. She helped with the first one, but I took this one down all on my own,” she replies, licking the remnants of wine from her lips before setting the empty glass on top of the table. Her gaze flits to mine. “I got bored waiting for you.”

“I told you not to.”

“You say that every time, and every time you find me in the exact same spot as I’m in tonight.”

She refills her glass, finishing off the bottle before her eyes cut back to me and a frown graces her pretty mouth. “Are you going to make me drink alone?”

“Wine ain’t really my thing.”

She lowers her bare feet to the floor, and pops out of the chair, giving me my first look at tonight’s choice of pajamas. Another camisole, this one ivory with lace trim around the neckline, and of course, because the universe hates me, the shorts match.

“I’ll get you a beer,” she offers.

Consuming any alcohol, even a measly beer, is not a smart move on my behalf.

Not tonight.

Not the way I’m feeling.

Yet I don’t stop her.

Jade and I have come to some sort of a silent understanding. I have no doubt the reason she lets me take care of her and the kids is because I let her take care of me. Making sure I eat, keeping the light on the side of the house on when I’m not home, and stocking her fridge with the beer I prefer—it’s her way of giving back. It makes her feel purposeful, and when Jade feels like she’s got purpose, her confidence soars. She doesn’t need to parade around in six-hundred-dollar heels that tear her feet to shreds just to walk with her head high, she needs to feel appreciated.

“Here you go,” she says, extending the beer to me. “I brought out some chips and guac too in case you’re hungry. Bella made the guac herself. It’s so good.”

I lean forward, taking the beer from her as she drops the bowl of guacamole on the table between us, along with a bag of chips. Before she takes a seat again, she reaches behind her, and tugs at the hem of her shorts.

I clear my throat before taking a long pull from the bottle.

The fact her shorts are riding up her ass makes me wonder if she’s even wearing any underwear.

“Did you have a good night?”

“Yeah, it was fun,” she says as she finally falls back into the chair, crossing her legs.

As she reaches for her wine, the strap of her camisole falls of her shoulder, giving me a clear shot of the side of her tit. I bite back a curse, and try to pay attention to what she’s saying, but the woman makes it so damn hard. It’s always the ones who don’t try to get a man’s engine going that actually do.

“The boys were exhausted from practice, and Killian went to bed early, so we weren’t interrupted much. Did you know she and Guido haven’t spoken in two weeks?”

I didn’t know that. We don’t really get involved in one another’s business, but even if we did, Guido is vault when it pertains to Bella. I don’t know what the man thinks he’s hiding by keeping his feelings under lock and key. It’s totally obvious he’s in love with her. A man doesn’t put a woman on the back of his bike unless he believes that’s where he belongs.

That being said, them not speaking for a couple of weeks isn’t a new development. They’ve always been hot and cold with each other. The cold comes whenever there is a new man in Bella’s life.

“Let me guess, she’s dating someone new.”

Jade’s gaze cuts back to me, and she raises one of her perfectly arched eyebrows. “How did you know that?”

I take another pull of my beer. “It happens every time. He can’t handle the idea of her being with someone else, but he’s too much of a pussy to claim her for himself.”

There are no laws that keep him from taking what he wants. No fucking excuses. Another man would consider that a fucking gift.

Jade frowns at that. “I think they would be good together.”

So do I, but what we think doesn’t really matter.

“She likes this new guy, though. They’ve only been on one date, but he keeps asking her out again. He wants to take her on a helicopter ride over the city.” She pauses, lifting her glass to her lips. I watch as she takes a sip, the long column of her throat working as she swallows. If she only knew how many times I pictured marking her there.

“Sounds romantic, doesn’t it?”

I shake my head, dismissing any thoughts of me sucking her neck before I play back the question.

I’ve never put much stock in being a romantic, but renting a helicopter to take a woman on a joyride to see some skyscrapers seems like over kill to me. You want to impress a woman, give her your time. The effort a man puts into a woman, appreciating her for who she is and loving her on the days she doesn’t love herself, that’s unmatched. You can rent a fucking rocket ship and send her to the moon, spend a million dollars on frivolous nonsense, and none of it will have the same effect. The richest men are the ones with empty pockets. Those are the romantics.

“I guess that depends on what your definition of romance.”

Keeping her eyes on the fire, she traces her finger around the rim of her glass.

“I miss it,” she whispers.

“Romance?”

She glances down at her glass. “All of it. Date nights, having someone call me when I’m not around just to tell me they miss me. Kissing before bed, and lazy kisses in the mornings to start the day.”

I would fucking give my life to kiss her like that just once.

“It’s been over two years since I’ve been on the back of a motorcycle.”

Give my life for that too. Can’t imagine there being anything better than feeling her tits against my back while I squeeze her thigh to mine and we ride.

“I miss those long rides. You know the ones that never have any specific destination but when they end you realize they weren’t meant for anything more than foreplay?”

No, I don’t.

A brazen Jade makes for a dangerous time. I don’t know what the hell is in that wine, but whatever it is has loosened her lips. The woman is killing me slowly, and if I don’t put an end to it now, I’m going to do something I can’t take back.

“Don’t know anything about that. Never had a woman on the back of my bike.”

I don’t know why she looks so shocked by that.

“Then I guess we’re both missing out.”

When you only want one woman, and she’s off limits, it doesn’t feel that way. I’d be a fraud if I put anyone that wasn’t her on the back of my bike, and you can’t miss something you never had.

“But you know what I miss most?”

Don’t ask.

Whatever you do, don’t fucking ask.

“Sex,” she blurts. “I miss sex.”

It’s a good thing my mouth isn’t full, or she’d be wearing my beer. My head snaps around, and our eyes lock.

“Jesus, Jade.”

She rolls her eyes as I squirm in my chair like a fucking schoolboy. My cock is way to happy to be having this fucking conversation with her.

“Oh, come on, Shotgun. Is anything really off limits with us?”

There isn’t and I’m starting to sense that might be a problem.

“I just watched you toss your bloodstained clothes into my fire pit. We’ve seen each other at our worst, and you’re helping me raise my children. If I can’t talk to you about this kind of stuff, then who can I talk to?”

All valid points. Still, I grit my teeth, my fingers tightening around the bottle so hard, it’s no wonder it doesn’t shatter in my hand.

“Bella,” I fire back. “You can talk to Bella.”

“Why so she can pity me?” She scoffs. “The girl is off living her best life, and I’m…” Her voice trails as she drags her fingers through her long, brown hair, trying to find the words to convey whatever she’s thinking. A sighs slips past her lips and she lowers her hand to her lap, peering at me from under the fringe of her long lashes.

“…I don’t know what I am. Stagnant is the word that comes to mind.” She sets the wine glass on the table between u and turns in her chair so she’s fully facing me. “I feel like I’m living life on pause if that makes any sense. Like is this it? Am I never supposed to have another person’s lips on mine? Am I never supposed to hold someone else’s hand or fall asleep next to another man. Bella’s life is just beginning, and mine feels like it’s already ended.”

I place my beer on the table and release a heavy breath. Needing something to hold onto so I don’t reach for her, my fingers curl around the armrests. Biggie warned me there would be a day when Jade decided she was ready to move. Maybe that day is now.

“Your life isn’t over,” I say softly.

“Isn’t it though? I wanted more kids, Shotgun, and not because I wanted to keep trying for a little girl, but because I loved being pregnant. But even more than that, I love being a mom.” Never seen anyone do it better, and don’t think I ever will. She was born to be a mother, that I’m sure of. “It’s hard for me to accept that I’ll never experience that again. That I’ll never have any of it again. No man to love me. No man to hold me. No man to fuck me so hard I can’t walk the next day.”

I love you.

My arms are dying to hold you.

And I’d fuck you harder than you’ve ever been fucked before.

“No man to give me more babies. No man to walk through life with. Irish died and he took the rest of my life with him.”

I’ll give you all the babies you want.

Walk through hell to hold your hand through life if you let me.

“You can still have those things, Jade. He wanted you to move on. Heard him say it with my own ears. It was one of the last things he said to me.”

“This isn’t about Irish,” she snaps. “This is about me.” She smacks her hand against her chest, emphasizing those words. “I loved him with everything I had, but I don’t need his blessing to move on with my life. I know he wouldn’t want me to rot here. He loved me too much to want that.”

My pulse quickens as Biggie’s words ring inside my head. If this is the part where she pushes me away to make room for someone else, I’m not ready.

I’m not fucking ready to step back into the shadows and watch her love another man.

“So what’s the problem?” I ask hoarsely.

She tears her gaze away from me, and stares back at the fire. “I wouldn’t even know where to begin to find someone. I’m a mom of three. I don’t go bar hopping, and the thought of online dating scares the hell out of me. Then there’s the club. I’ve given you all hell since Irish died, but you’re my family. Club life is the only life I know. Can you imagine me bringing around an accountant to one of Biggie’s cookouts?”

They wouldn’t care so long as she was happy, but it’d tear me to shreds.

“It’d take some time getting used to, but everyone wants to see you happy again.”

What I really want to tell her is that she doesn’t have to go to a bar to find someone to give her all those things. I’m sitting right beside her and have been wanting to give them to her since I was sixteen years old.

She glances back at me, a small smile playing on her lips. “You guys would torture the shit out of him.” Pausing, she waves a hand, dismissively. “That’s besides the point, though. It’d never get that far. I’d have to get passed all my fears and schedule a mommy makeover first.”

“What the fuck is a mommy makeover?”

“A tummy tuck and a breast lift. The c-section really messed up my stomach,” she says, lifting her camisole to reveal her belly to me. My eyes immediately lower to the span of skin, searching for any imperfections that would require the fix she’s suggesting. But all I see are the faint lines growing her babies left behind, and there isn’t a fucking thing about those lines that needs fixin’. They’re beautiful, and any man that would tell her otherwise, or make her feel like less for having them should shoot himself in the dick.

“There’s nothing wrong with your stomach,” I growl, lifting my eyes back to hers. I hold her stare for a beat, then glance down at her tits, specifically her nipples that are poking through the fabric. “And there isn’t a goddamn thing wrong with your tits.”

“I nursed three babies.”

“I’m aware.” I had a front row seat to the last.

“You don’t get it,” she sighs.

“No, I definitely don’t.”

“I’ve only been with one man, and he was arguably a boy the first time we had sex. No one else has seen me naked. My body looks a lot different now that I’ve had three kids. I don’t know that I’ll have the courage let alone the confidence to take my clothes off for another man.”

I can tolerate a lot of shit when it comes to Jade, but I won’t listen to her demean herself or shame her body. My control snaps, and the words spill from my mouth before I can stop them.

“Your body was perfect then, and it’s perfect now.”

Shock courses through her features for a brief moment before she lowers her top. “I didn’t think you remembered that night. You never said anything.”

“What the hell was I supposed to say? It wasn’t a big deal.”

That’s a big fat lie. It might not have been a big deal if it was anyone other than her. There is no shame in the Kings Of Anarchy clubhouse. We’ve all walked in one another at some point, but I don’t recall a time when one brother blatantly watched another fuck his wife. It’s unspoken rule—‘ol ladies are off limits.

“It was a big deal to me,” she whispers. Her lashes lower and she looks off to the side, giving me a clear view of her profile. “I liked it.”

“You liked being watched?”

Her teeth sink into her lower lip as she brings her eyes back to me.

“I liked that it was you .”