Page 173 of Private Lives

‘A letter to me. From your mother,’ said Larry, handing it to Matthew.

‘Should I read it now?’

‘I think so.’

Matt pulled out the single sheet of ageing cream vellum, instantly recognising the small, precise writing of his mother. He began to read.

Dear Larry,

How do you say goodbye to your husband and the father of your son? By letter, I think. I’m not sure I can say the things I want to say without turning back, retreating into a situation that’s wrong for both of us. Your affair with that woman was a betrayal, you don’t need me to tell you that, but I was surprised you came back. I was even more surprised I took you back. But I did it for our son. I did it to be a family again.

So why does that decision now feel wrong? Because a family is more than three people living in a house together. Because when you come home every day, I know that you would rather be somewhere else, with someone else. Because one day Matthew will be old enough to ask why his parents don’t sleep in the same bedroom, and I don’t want to tell him that it’s because I can’t bear to touch you. Not after your affair. But mostly because we both love our son and we always want what’s best for him. I want Matthew to be brought up around love, not around two people who have nothing to say to each other any more, who have broken whatever they once had. We don’t want him to grow up feeling guilty that he was the only glue binding two unhappy, resentful people together.

Love dies if you don’t water it – I think you said that to me once – and that’s what happened between you and me, Larry. Love isn’t an obligation. It’s a life force, a gift of nature; love is about finding that one person who makes you feel so happy your heart could sing. We had it for a while, but it’s gone; we both have to face the truth of that. Perhaps we can find it again, somewhere else. I hope so.

Yours truly, Katherine

Matthew folded the letter and slipped it back into the envelope.

‘Mum left you?’ he said. ‘You left us. She told me that.’

Larry fetched the decanter and filled Matthew’s glass, putting it down again without filling his own.

‘For five amazing years we were so happy, me and your mother,’ he said. ‘I doubt anyone anywhere was ever as in love as we were at the start. But after she’d had you and thrown herself back into her career? Well, things changed. She had papers published, she was being asked to lecture abroad, there were whispers of a professorship one day.’ He shrugged. ‘I was busy too, of course, and I’d come home from work long after you’d gone to bed. Kathy would be in the study, working. She made time for you and her job, but there was not enough time for me. I’m not making excuses, just trying to give you some context.’

He held up his hands.

‘So I had an affair. My first one. They become quite addictive once you cross the line of morality, but that’s another story. This first one, her name was Jan, a client’s secretary. Twenty-one, pretty, plus she thought I was fabulous and I drank every drop of flattery as if it was good port. I honestly thought I was in love with her. Looking back, I was just in love with how she made me feel.’

He paused, as if he was reluctant to go on. ‘Your mother found out – deep down I think I wanted her to – and kicked me out. But a month later I came back. For you,’ he said earnestly.

‘But if you came back for me, why didn’t you stay?’

Larry tapped the letter in front of Matt.

‘I think she says it best in there. Love isn’t an obligation; you can’t love someone out of duty. We’d changed as people, but we hadn’t changed together. She resented me, my long hours, my affair, and I suppose she’d replaced me with a new passion: her own work. And you, of course. On my part, perhaps I couldn’t cope with a strong, strident woman like Katherine. It was the seventies, remember. Everyone still expected husbands and wives to fall into their prescribed roles.’

‘So why did she keep us apart?’

Larry sighed.

‘In part I suppose she was angry, resentful, and wanted to prove that you two could get along just fine without me. But I didn’t fight for you. I let my pride get the better of me and I walked away. I walked away from you, and for that, I’ll forever be sorry.’

Matthew could see tears glossing over the whites of his father’s eyes.

‘I know you’re a better father than m

e, Matt. I know it’s not ideal living apart from Jonas, but you’ve shown that you don’t need to live with him to be a brilliant dad. Get back with Carla because you love her, because she makes your heart beat faster,’ he pleaded. ‘Not out of duty. We both love Jonas too much to want him to be brought up in an unhappy household.’

Matthew gave a small smile.

‘You make it all sound so simple.’

‘I’ve had a lot of experience of getting it wrong.’

They both laughed together.

‘Oh, and can you do one more thing for me?’ said Larry, getting up.