Page 18

EIGHTEEN

W e spend one more day in Reno, then two in Boise, and another two in Salt Lake City before another long drive to Denver. And if I don't think about it like they said, I think I could do this forever, and I'd never get tired of it—the music, the parties. Never being alone—not unless I want to.

Never being lonely.

I burrow further into Luca's side as we walk toward the hotel.

I realize I've become somewhat codependent on him. When he isn't around, I ache for precisely this. He makes me feel safe, although not in the traditional, physical sense—I don't need that—but more like I could show him any dark part of me or any fucked up thing that I've done, and he'd just shrug it off or laugh and pull me in tighter.

I've never had that. I've never belonged anywhere.

I've never had a family.

"Have you ever been to Denver before, Teagan?" Luca asks.

I shake my head. "No."

"You'll love it. It's supposed to be nice out. We can rent a car tomorrow—something with a top that comes off. I'll take you to the Garden of the Gods, and we can get really high, find a quiet place, and fuck in the dirt. Stay there all day, show up late to the venue, and piss Declan off. You want to?"

"Yeah, I want to," I tell him. "I'd go anywhere with you."

I smile. I know there's a term for this: it's love-bombing. But I don't care. It works on me just like his normal human costume, enough that I can ignore that he gets into my phone when I'm sleeping and all the other invisible lines he's crossed. Maybe they were never mine.

And his chaos laced with sweet words that couldn't possibly be true, longing stares from on stage or across the room, and half smiles seem to be exactly what I've needed.

But when I do want peace or quiet without being lonely, I go to Declan. Because quiet doesn't bother him, either. And he likes to sleep in and cuddle—who would have thought?

I like the way I fit in that space under his chin, too.

"What'd you just say about me?" Declan asks.

"Nothing," Luca says. "We're not talking about you at all."

"Teagan? Don't lie to me, kitten."

Since I can't lie to him, I only shrug.

"Whatever. We're all going to the top floor," Declan says. "There are two interconnected suites with two bedrooms and bathrooms. We're having a party tonight."

"A party?" I ask. "What kind of party?"

"Not that kind of party," Rhett answers.

"Our record label has a satellite office here," Declan says. "We'll have to entertain them, so…behave accordingly."

"What does that mean?" I ask.

"Pass for normal," Hazel answers. "Normal friends, normal family."

"Yeah, cover up your stab wounds, Teagan," Brady says, squeezing into the elevator with us.

The 'L' on my chest is scabbed over and healing now, already leaving behind scar tissue in some places. It's on full display now in my low-cut cropped tank.

"I like my stab wounds," I tell him.

"Me too," Luca says.

"You should cover it this time, Teagan," Declan says as we exit the elevator.

He unlocks the door, and I follow Luca into a bedroom. After putting my suitcase in the closet, I lie on the bed and pull out my cell phone.

"Do you want to go somewhere today? Or—let me guess—you're going to find the gym."

"I'm going to find the gym, and I want to go somewhere with you today," he says. "Are you okay? What's wrong? Why are you making that face?"

"Um, it's my sister," I tell him.

They haven't stopped with the disapproving text messages and voicemails, but I've ignored them. Over the last couple of days, they switched tactics. Now, instead of just mocking me, they're threatening to get rid of all my things.

BLAKELY Just so you know, we're about done moving everything out. Mom and Dad said that if you aren't back to get your stuff by this weekend, they're going to donate it all to the Salvation Army.

BLAKELY She already scheduled the pick up.

BLAKELY Come home. I need you. I need your help with the wedding. I'll help you find a job and a place to stay. Just come home.

The text bubble shows that she's still typing, so I watch and wait.

BLAKELY You owe me rent and electric, too. And I know you're not even pretending to work now—you haven't posted in weeks. Mom said your bank account is empty.

I sigh, close the message, and open the one from my mom.

It's only a screenshot confirming the pick-up time for the Salvation Army.

"They're still mad at you?" Luca asks.

"They're throwing all my stuff away," I tell him. "If I don't come home by next weekend, they're getting rid of all of it. It's everything I own. I'll just…I'll have to book a flight home or something. Maybe I can convince my mom to take it."

"Teagan—"

"I'm going to go take a shower. I smell gross—like smoke and bus and sex."

Tossing my phone aside, I head into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I stand under the hot water and berate myself because they're probably fucking right, aren't they? I can't do this forever. They can't even do this forever.

After showering, I dry off, wrap myself in a towel, and walk back into the room. Luca is still there, sitting on the small couch in the corner.

"You're still here."

"Yep," he says. "I arranged for movers to pack up your things and take it all to a storage facility in Buena Park; that's not too far, is it?"

"What? No…no, that's not too far."

"I don't know how much money you owe your sister, but I sent her 5K to fuck off—is that enough?"

"Um, yeah. That's a lot more than I owe her."

"Good," he says. "I'll tell her it's an engagement gift and I'll see her at the wedding."

"You'd go to the wedding?" I ask, confused. "You did all of that for me? How did you do all of that?"

"Of course," he says. "Why are you so surprised? Do you think I'm stupid or something?"

"What? No, I don't think you're stupid."

"I'm not just a pretty face, baby," he says, smiling. He gets up and kisses me on the lips. "I can take care of you. We'll go down there together after this tour is over, and you can get whatever you want and bring it up to the house. Okay?"

"Okay…"

"I'll see you later, Teag."

"Bye…"

After watching him leave, I get dressed and dry my hair.

Then, I do something stupid—I put on his fucking deodorant and cologne just so that I can smell like him again. Realizing I don't want to do anything except wait for him to come back, I curl up on the sofa and stare at the wall.

This isn't good.

"You smell like my brother," Declan says when I sit beside him on the couch. "More than usual, I mean."

"Yeah, I know," I tell him, but I don't explain. I'm just glad Luca hadn't noticed today. I enjoyed it all afternoon while I laid around the suite alone, bringing my t-shirt to my nose and breathing it in. I was a little embarrassed when he came back from the gym, and the first thing he did was wrap his arms around me, bury his head in my neck, and inhale.

"Who are these people?" I ask Declan, sliding under his arm as I scan the room for Luca.

"I don't know, and I don't care," Declan says. "That one by the door talking to Luca—" I follow where he's pointing and spot him next to the door, speaking to a blonde woman in a leather jacket. She runs her hands over his chest and hooks her finger into his belt loop. "She's important."

I feel like someone is sitting on my ribcage. "Why is she touching him?"

"She's probably going to fuck him," Declan says.

"What?"

"She fucked him last time we were here," he says. "What? You don't own him, Teagan. You need to calm down. And we need her—she talked about getting us on a tour with…well, I can't tell you who right now. But it'll be huge. It'll be stadiums and amphitheaters, not nightclub venues."

She leans in and whispers something in his ear, but I can't watch anymore. "I'm tired," I tell him. "I'm going to go to bed—in River and Hazel's room."

He laughs. "Would you stop? I'm sorry, didn't you finger River at a club in Salt Lake City and suck my dick on the bus last night? Aren't you cuddled up next to me right now?"

"That's different," I say sadly.

"How?" he asks. "How is that different?"

"Because…we're a family."

He hugs me closer to his side and kisses the side of my head. "Yeah, you're right, baby. That is different."

When I look toward the door again, Luca and the woman are both gone. I blink back tears.

"Holy shit," Brady says. "Look at you."

"Me?" I ask.

"Yeah, you. You know what it feels like now, don't you?"

"What?"

"You know what I'm talking about. ' Did you tell him you don't like it'?" he mocks.

Yeah…I do. And I hadn't even thought about it.

I lean into Declan's shoulder to hide my tears.

"I thought you didn't cry, Teagan," Declan says. "You're turning into a big baby."

"Please don't make fun of me," I tell him.

I'm doing fine with that on my own. Because I'm wearing his fucking deodorant, and my chest physically aches.

Someone sits at my other side, but I don't look up. "What's wrong with Teagan? Is she high?"

Declan and Brady laugh, and I look over and see Luca beside me.

"She's being a big fucking baby for no reason," Declan tells him.

"I thought you left."

He shrugs. "No. Why would I leave?"

"I love you," I tell him.

And this time, I did say it aloud, not just in my head. It almost feels like a foreign language, and after it comes out, I'm sure I've done something wrong.

I think I might throw up.

But he smiles. "You do?"

I nod. "Uh-huh."

He leans in and brushes my hair behind my ears. "Say it again."

"I love you. And I know that I haven't known you very long, but…we live together like you said, so that makes our days like…three times everyone else's normal day, right?"

He laughs. "If you say so."

"And I know you're fucking insane, and I don't fucking care. That probably means I'm fucking crazy, too, and I don't care about that, either. You make me happy…and I didn't think I'd ever be any better than just okay. I want to carve my initial into your chest; I want to handcuff you to me every night so that you can't leave. I want to crawl inside of your body and live there. I love you."

He shakes his head. "Teagan Townsend…I'm going to write a song about you."

"Yeah?" I climb into his lap. "Make it something painful. Those are always the best ones."

Luca picks me up and carries me to the bedroom, kicking the door closed behind us. He pulls his shirt over his head, rummages through his suitcase for a minute, then sits at the edge of the bed. I take off my own top, kick off my shoes and step out of my jeans, and climb into his lap.

"I didn't bring any handcuffs, but…here," he says. Holding the blade end, he extends a knife to me.

"Really?"

He shrugs. "Yeah."

"Won't it ruin your tattoos?"

"Nah, it'll look good," he says.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

I smile. "Okay."

I push him onto his back and straddle his waist. Then, I dig the tip of the knife into his skin, about two inches below his collarbone, and start on the vertical line for my 'T.' He groans and wraps his hand around my wrist.

"You're going to have to push a little harder than that," he says.

I begin dragging the knife again with his added pressure; blood pools in the wound, then runs down the side of his chest.

It makes me fucking feral. I can't help it; I wriggle my hips against his hard cock while I finish the cut. He grabs my hip with his free hand.

"You better stop that, Teagan," he says. "It's going to be hard for you to make a straight line with my dick inside of you. Be professional."

He thrusts against me, and I moan before leaning down and running my tongue over the cut. Cleaning the area is futile as blood continues to pool and spill from the wound. I close my eyes, relishing the taste of the warm, coppery liquid on my tongue. It's power—vitality, just like Declan said, and Luca gives his to me willingly. I realize I've been craving it for a while.

Luca shifts beneath me, but I'm so distracted that I don't realize what he's doing until I feel his erection against my opening, and he grabs me by the hips and pushes into me.

"Oh, fuck!" I cry out.

"I warned you," he says. "Sit back and finish it."

I sit up; a shiver runs up my spine when I sink down onto his cock.

"There you go, baby."

I gasp, and he places the knife back into my hand. "Be a good girl and keep those hips still," he says. "Make it look good."

I brace myself with one hand and dig the tip of the knife in with the other, preparing to cross my 'T.'

He grips my ass and pushes up into me.

"Ah!"

"Harder, baby," he says. "Dig it in a little deeper like I showed you."

I grit my teeth and add pressure; Luca hisses as I drag it across his skin. When I finish, I toss the knife onto the bed.

"Can I move now?" I whimper, wriggling against his hold. I'm pretty sure each of his fingertips will leave a mark.

He releases his grip, and I ride him hard.

Mine, I think as I work my pussy over him, watching the blood run over his chest. He's mine.

I realize my own hands and my mouth are covered in blood, too. We're going to make a fucking mess out of this bed.

"You feel so good, baby," he says. "It's a lot harder to cut through surface flesh than you think it would be, isn't it?"

"Yes," I whimper as I ride him.

"Imagine how much muscle it would take to bury that fucking blade all the way into someone's chest…the way my dick is inside your pussy."

I can. I can imagine it.

"Luca…" I moan. "Oh, god…"

I ride him faster, and he lifts his hips off the bed, burying himself deeper.

"Oh my god…I'm…"

"Are you gonna come, baby?"

"Yes!" I shout. "Oh…fuck!" I sit back and come apart on his dick, shaking as he thrusts up into me. "Luca!"

Luca pulls me into him and flips us over, his cock still inside of me, and fucks into me while blood spills from the cut on his chest and drips onto my own.

He pins my hands above my head with his left hand and with his right, he holds the knife to my throat. It digs in just a little, and blood runs down my neck.

He groans as he thrusts into me, the blade at my neck still digging in, and his eyes lock onto mine. "You better not fucking leave me, Teagan."

"I love you," I tell him, my breath heaving. "I won't."

He drops the knife and brings his lips to that place on my throat and sucks while he comes inside me.

"I love you, too," he says, resting his head on my chest. "We fucking ruined this bed, Teagan. They're going to call the police when they see this."

I run my bloody hands through his hair. "Yeah, we should leave a note or something."

"We should take a shower," he says. "You have to take care of me now."

He gets out of bed, and I follow him out of the bathroom and into the shower. By the time we get out, it's quiet outside the room again. After I clean and bandage the cut on his chest, I pull on one of his shirts, and we climb right back into those bloody sheets together.

"You look good in my clothes," Luca says. "You can wear my cologne whenever you want, too, sweetheart."

I feel my face flush. "Oh, god. You noticed that?"

"Don't be embarrassed; I think it's cute. I like smelling like you, too."

"Okay," I say softly. "I love you, Luca."

"I love you, too. Good night, Teagan," he says.

"Night."

I snuggle up next to him and close my eyes, wholly content.

"Teag? Are you awake, baby?" he asks after a few minutes.

"Kind of."

"I think Declan loves you. It's okay if you love him, too."

I swallow hard. "You're wrong," I tell him. "And I don't."

"Okay. If you say so."

I don't sleep for a while after that.