Page 10 of Precise Justice

Dear Diary:September 17th

Where to begin? I feel like I am totally alone. Wandering in the wilderness. Or, worse, on a runaway train.

The train is thundering down the tracks toward a destiny that terrifies me. I am helpless to stop it. I have no control over it or my life. I am torn in half between what I want and my inability to tell my mother. I’m more afraid of her, Mother Dear, than what she is doing to me. To be honest, I’m not even sure she isn’t right. Am I in the wrong body? Mother Dear is far more certain than I am. The experts, Dr. Friedman and the others are certain. Then why am I afraid? The new school is a good thing. If I had gone back to Sanger dressed and looking like a girl, I can only imagine what the bullies would do. The kids at Wheaton treat me like anyone else. Are they better educated? More tolerant? I suspect they all know I’m trans. Even though the school is better, I still cry myself to sleep every night. I’m afraid and alone. And no one will listen to me. On these pages is the only time I can admit this.

I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS. But thetrain has rolled out of the station.

“Blake will take you to school today and I’ll pick you up,” Priscilla told Robbie. She never referred to Blake as Robbie’s dad. Since Robbie was old enough to wonder about this, he had doubts about paternity. Blake, being the whipped puppy that he was, never said a word about it.

“We have an appointment with Dr. Friedman after school,” Priscilla reminded Robbie.

“Yes, Mother, I remember,” Robbie replied.

Priscilla was almost out the door to the garage when she stopped. She turned and went to Robbie, knelt down in front of him, held his shoulders and inspected his face.

“The makeup looks good. Your hair has grown out nicely. You’re going to make a lovely young woman. You’ll see. You will get through this and be much happier. Much more popular. You’ll see.”

“Yes, Mother,” Robbie said without enthusiasm.

Priscilla, still down on one knee holding Robbie’s shoulders, did something quite unusual. She leaned forward and gently kissed him on the lips. “My beautiful girl,” she said afterward.

As she went out, Priscilla called back to Robbie to remind him, again, about their appointment later that day.

When Blake stopped the car in the lot of Wheaton Academy, Robbie decided to ask him.

“Dad,” he said which was unusual in and of itself, calling him dad.

“Yes, Robbie, what is it?”

“Do you agree with this? The idea of turning me into a girl?”

“Well, your mother says it’s for the best, so I guess…”

“What do you think? I know what mother thinks. I want your opinion.”

Being asked his opinion on a subject, any subject, was not a normal occurrence. Blake was not sure what to say.

“I, ah, I don’t know. If it will make you feel better about yourself, well then, I guess I’m for it.”

“When you were my age, were you good at sports? Were you athletic?”

“No, not really. I was good at math. That’s why I got a civil engineer degree in college,” Blake said.

“Did you make a lot of friends when you were in school?”

“A few, not many. Math and science kids. Nerdy kids. Why?”

“Just wondering. Did you ever think you might want to be a girl?”

“No, no, that never occurred to me. But then, no one ever talked about, you know, that kind of thing. Are you confused?”

“Yeah, I am. I have to go.”

“Come in, please have a seat,” Dr. Friedman told Priscilla and Robbie.

The receptionist who led them in quietly closed the office door as she left. Priscilla and Robbie sat on the couch. Friedman came out from behind his desk and moved a chair to sit directly in front of them.

“Roberta, you’re looking very pretty. How do you feel about it?” Friedman asked.