Page 86 of Possessed By You

It’s been six months since London. Six months of taking pregnancy tests, of getting my health back in order. Each month has been a negative, and I convinced myself it’s my health.

Once it’s regulated, then the chance will come.

We will succeed.

It’s hard to dwell on the lack of the addition we’re trying to achieve when for the first time, we’re leading a completely normal life. Well…normal for us. We’re working. We’re laughing, fucking, and fighting—we wouldn’t be us without that.

We’re constant newlyweds.

Doris sits down in Benjamin’s vacant chair, tearing me out of my reflections. She squeezes my hand.

“I read recently that if you do the deed on a full moon—”

To spare us both the uncomfortable aftermath of pregnancy superstitions, I stop her, shaking my head. “Oh, please no.”

“It’s just something I read. I might work.”

I’m the shade of a fire hydrant. “I’ll keep it in mind. We’re really just taking it slow. There’s no rush.”

“You saw the doctor yesterday, right?”

“Yes. My health is better, which is worrisome because it definitely means it’s pregnancy that starts the decline. They thought it was a sickle cell trait at first since my father was of Italian descent, but the test came back negative. They have no explanation why my immune system was struggling so much.”

“There has to be something they know.”

“She mentioned that I might have an incompetent uterus, which would weaken me in pregnancy, but it doesn’t explain the loss of blood cells. She just mentioned the risks again, that we’d have to take this as cautiously as possible if we truly want children. Any outcome is possible.”

“I don’t like this talk,” she sighs, refusing to hear it. “You’re fine. You’ll be fine.”

“I know I will,” I say. “It’s not me that needs convincing.”

Her eyes gravitate to my husband, who is deep in conversation with Marilyn, a woman who has adored him from the start. She was always pulling for us.

“How is he handling all this inconsistency?”

“He absorbs it mostly, doesn’t say much, but I can see it scares him when he thinks about it too much.”

“Benjamin with a baby…that would be quite a sight, wouldn’t it?”

I long to see that sight. I lose myself in his movements, his smile. “Mmm.”

“It feels like just yesterday I was interviewing you for the position.”

The flashbacks that hit me are cringeworthy. “I fell over myself when I laid eyes on him. I was a goner. Been so ever since.”

“For him too. He’s married now, trying for kids. God, there was a time if I had heard myself saying that, I would have thought I’d started to lose my marbles. It’s amazing what a good woman can do for a lost man.”

“And what a good marriage can do for two lost people,” I add, unable to look away from him.

***

Good sex is therapeutic.Greatsex is straight healing.

A lot of it and your nerves are sensitive, your mind is awake, senses heightened.

It’s mid-day, smack dab in the middle of a work week. Benjamin’s briefcase is on the floor by the door, having fallen off the side table in the process of the hasty removal of his clothing. Articles of his suit are scattered across the floor, my dress and lingerie mixed in the mess of dark colors.

Snow is falling fast outside the window in an almost horizontal downpour, the last of winter coming down with all its might. It’s almost below freezing outside, but we’re unable to feel any of the chill.