Page 178 of Paranoid

Patient: “But I can’t feel it. It’s not there.”

Therapist: “Breathe in and out. Let yourself go. Feel the warm sand beneath your bare feet; listen to the birds singing in the trees.”

Patient: “Yes. It’s warm. It’s safe. It’s calm. Serene. There are fish in the water and it gets darker, deeper. I can’t see the bottom.”

Therapist, slightly relieved: “Just relax. Now, touch a toe into the water . . . See the ripples?”

Patient: “Yes.”

Therapist: “Soothing ripples.”

Patient, suddenly frantic: “No . . . the water isn’t clea. It’s dark. I can’t see. Oh, God, he’s there in the water And not just Ned. Rachel, too. And that other woman, the cop. They’re all in the pool, no, the river. It’s cold and freezing and my son . . . I’ve lost my son!”

Therapist, concerned: “Let’s try again. You’re in your safe place.”

Patient: “No! It’s not there. They are in the water and they know. They all know I lied. It’s my fault.”

Therapist, losing patience: “I think it’s time to surface.”

Patient: “I can’t!”

Therapist, insistent: “Three. You’re coming around.”

Patient: “No! I should never have lied. Don’t you see?”

Therapist: “Two, and you’re waking . . . coming away from the water and the sand.”

Patient, sobbing: “I should never have lied. I should have told the truth. Now he’ll never know who his father really was and all those people who died. My friends . . .”

Therapist, agitated, but trying to keep calm: “One. And you’re back.”

Lila opened her eyes, felt the tears on her cheeks, remembered that both Ned and Lucas were dead. Father and son. Neither really knowing about the other. Oh, Ned had guessed and he, upon learning of her involvement with Luke, had been mad with jealousy. Hadn’t she hoped he’d be? And the night that she’d gone to the cannery, to see Luke, to tell him she was pregnant, hadn’t she known that Ned would be there, that there would be hell to pay?

But she hadn’t expected Ned to bring a gun or to shoot his own stepson. The lie had been so easy, that she’d gotten pregnant by Luke, that he’d never gotten the chance to know his son and to let Rachel believe she’d killed her own brother. Lila had never let it slip that Lucas was really Ned’s son. But Ned had suspected the truth and though he’d claimed to be looking for his own children to keep them out of trouble, he’d come to the fish plant with a gun and shot his own stepson. Or so Lila believed. She’d even accused Ned of the crime. That’s when Lila and Rachel’s father had really broken up. They’d fought before, of course, often, and passionately, but after the night in the cannery, it was really over.

Their affair had started innocently enough. Well, no, not really. She’d always had a thing for older guys and while Luke was still involved with Reva, and Lila had set her sights on Rachel’s brother, she’d spent a lot of time with her best friend and she’d kept running into Ned. God, he’d been handsome then. Smart. Funny. And interested. He would take Rachel and Lila places, or pick them up, and Lila had turned on the charm. She’d known he was interested, had seen him checking out her butt, or her breasts or her legs, when he’d thought she wasn’t looking. She loved the attention and had always been a bit of a tease, so she’d worked it. When staying over at night with her “best friend” Rachel she’d make sure she’d be only half dre

ssed when Ned was around and loved the thrill of it as his gaze had slid over her.

He was a much older man but buff and, really, just into his forties. He’d also been a cop. And married. Making him forbidden fruit. Lila had always been a risk taker, and back then, Ned Gaston was good-looking, brooding, and sexy.

She remembered initiating the first kiss after he caught her in a bra and panties running from the bathroom to Rachel’s room. In truth, she’d waited until she heard him come into the house from work in the middle of the night, while everyone else was asleep. As he’d stepped into the hallway, she’d opened the bathroom door, scampered out, and run into him. She’d gasped and pretended to be all virginal and embarrassed. But when he hadn’t moved, blocking her path to Rachel’s room, she’d kissed him, standing on her tiptoes, the tips of her breasts brushing his chest through the lacy bra.

That was all it had taken.

He’d grabbed her, eased her back into the bathroom, never once breaking the kiss, then locked the door behind them and hadn’t asked any questions as he’d spun her around, stripped off her panties, and entered her hard. Rough. And oh so good.

From that moment on, they’d been hot for each other, screwing whenever they could, rutting like horny animals. She loved his mature body and the fact that he knew how to make love. At that point in time he’d been able to turn her inside out. Sometimes, she remembered, he’d even toy with her with the barrel of his gun, running it over her naked body, thrilling and teasing her before he’d drop the pistol and pull her roughly atop him.

And wouldn’t you know? Suddenly Luke had started getting interested in her and eventually had broken off his relationship with Reva. It was almost as if he’d smelled the sex. At first, she’d used Luke as an excuse to hang out, but Ned had gotten jealous and Luke had sensed something was up, despite the fact that she’d started sleeping with both of them.

Oh, wow, had that been a rush! The fact that Reva had been pissed as hell had only heightened the excitement.

The fly in the ointment had been Rachel’s mother. Melinda had never been all that crazy about Lila being Rachel’s friend in the first place, and then Melinda had started to get suspicious. Melinda claimed to Rachel that she didn’t like Lila “chasing” Luke. But that was just the tip of the iceberg as she was beginning to get the idea that her husband might be infatuated with a girl barely eighteen. It hadn’t really mattered, Lila had told herself, because that marriage had already been foundering. Not really her fault. Lila had just pushed it a little faster to its inevitable conclusion. Along the way Ned had gotten jealous and weird and possessive and pissed as hell that she was still seeing Luke.

And then the night at the cannery. He’d come looking for Rachel that night—or had it been Luke, or even Lila? She’d never know now. But that night Lila had already decided it was time to end it. Despite the baby. She’d been determined to tell Luke she was pregnant and pass the baby off as his even though, in doing the math, she was pretty sure the child was Ned’s.

Of course, that night everything had blown up.