Page 24

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Some people feel that detoxing was the hardest part of getting sober. She disagreed. The hardest part was living with oneself after relapsing, even if the relapse wasn't her fault. She didn't put the needle in her own arm but that didn't stop her from begging for more just like Ace knew she would. And that was the part she couldn't handle.

As she lay in the hospital bed, coming down from withdrawal, all Dani could think about was how easily she was defeated. Fourteen months of sobriety down the drain.

She was a failure. No better than her parents. She tried to act like rehab made her good enough but she was proven wrong.

Gage deserved better, a woman who had her life in order. Not a mess of a woman who would spend years fighting an addiction that tried to constantly drag her under. She couldn't even take medicine without fear that she would become addicted and start abusing it.

It was a life he didn't deserve and she refused to put him through it. Just like as teenagers, she needed to let him go, free him of the chains that would tie them together so he could live a better life.

And she would tell him that. Just as soon as she could muster up the energy to do anything besides sleep in this bed.

"I know you're awake. I can practically hear you thinking."

Gage had been sitting in the same chair since she was brought in. He was there through it all. The sweating and vomiting. The tossing and turning. He held a cold washcloth to her head when she screamed of being too hot and covered her with a thin blanket when the goose bumps took over. Not once did he complain, despite his own injuries, and that made her feel so much worse.

"You shouldn't be here."

She didn't want him to see her like this, and had told him as much already. Countless times, in fact, while she was withdrawing. Every bit of anger she held on to was spewed upon him when he didn't deserve it.

"You've told me that already and my response to you hasn't changed. I'm not going anywhere until the doctors release you. Then we’re leaving together."

Anger consumed her and she rolled onto her side so that she could look Gage in the eyes. "Why would you want to do that? These next few months aren't exactly going to be a joy. I'm not going to be fun to be around. So why the hell would you want that?"

Gage pushed up so that he was leaning over her, both fists planted firmly on the bed next to her. His anger matched her own. "Because I love you and this wasn't your fault. I'm not about to let you throw us away again because you think you need to be some damn martyr."

"A martyr?" Her laugh was anything but humorous. "I'm anything but. I'm a drug addict who fell off the damn wagon and now it's going to take months, if not years, to be a decent person again. You shouldn’t have to deal with that."

"You didn’t fall off the wagon," Gage hissed. "You were fed the drugs."

"Sure, the first time, but I begged for the next hit just like Ace knew I would. He played me like a damn fool and I let him."

Tears raced down her cheeks as she thought about the information she was willing to give up so he could give her more. She hadn't even tried to hold out after the first needle.

"I told him everything he wanted to know. I told him all about the fight and how one of his club members helped me. I even said that he might be an agent, all so that I could feed my addiction. Who the hell wants to be with someone like that?"

There was no stopping the tears now. She hated herself, hated the person she had become. And Gage should too. She and Gage talked at length about the crew member who might be an undercover agent. Now she’d doomed that nice man to death because of what she told Ace.

"No one suffered. The undercover agent got out. They had the information they needed, they were just waiting for the right time to execute the warrant. You getting kidnapped gave them the opportunity they needed. Nothing happened to him."

She didn't want to believe Gage.

"He's not dead?"

Gage sat back in the chair and cradled her hand in his. "He's not dead. He's actually out in the hallway. He has been since they brought you in. He wanted to make sure you're alright. He feels bad that he couldn't reach out sooner to warn us about what was going to happen."

He was alive. She wasn't the reason another person died. Her confessions didn't kill him.

"He's been asking to see you."

That got her attention.

"No." She shook her head despite how much it still hurt from the repeated beating it endured. "I can't see him. I can't look him in the eyes and know that I confessed his secrets. He could've died because of me."

She was spiraling, on the verge of a full-blown panic attack and Gage was doing his best to soothe her with comforting words.

Unfortunately, it wasn't working. He was talking, she could see his lips moving, but no words were coming out. At least not any that she could hear. The ringing was back in her ears and everything else was drowned out.

Fuck addiction. She couldn’t even take anything for the pain.

"Dani!" Gage's harsh tone and shake to the shoulders finally pulled her back. "He already knows."

"What?"

"He already knows what you said to Ace. You confessed everything while you were being loaded into the ambulance. He knows, and he's not mad at you."

"How can he not be mad at me?"

None of it made sense. If the roles had been reversed, she would've been infuriated that someone had blown her cover. That a drug addict had put her life at risk for their next high.

"Ask him yourself."

She didn't get the opportunity to argue. Gage untangled himself from her and walked to the door before she could protest.

"Agent Knight?"

The gentleman who walked through the hospital room door looked like the biker who had let her sleep in his bed, but he was cleaner. The ripped jeans and cut he normally wore swapped out for a pair of cargo pants and a tight t-shirt. His normally unruly hair was tied back in a neat ponytail but his eyes were the same. The electric blue showed nothing but relief in them and a small smile tipped up the one side of his full lips.

"I'm glad to see you're looking better, miss."

Tears once again burst from her eyes. She couldn't seem to stop crying today. Every one of her emotions were heightened and she was experiencing them tenfold.

"How is it that you don't hate me?"

He walked further into the room and stood with his back rested against the wall. "I could ask you the same thing. I saw how badly you didn't want to be at the club anymore but there was nothing I could do to get you out without blowing my cover. Letting you sleep in my room was the best protection I had to offer, but it never seemed like enough."

"It was more than enough and I'm sorry in the end that I told Ace about you. I didn't want to. I fought so hard when he brought out the needle that first time but after that . . ."

She let her words drift off, too ashamed of her actions.

"You don't need to apologize. I understand drug addiction better than most. It's how I got into my line of work. I just wanted to stop in to see for myself that you were alright and to say you never need to worry about Ace or the Hell Raisers again."

He gave her a tip of the head before walking back out of the room.

"What did he mean about understanding drug addiction?"

"He told me about his sister and the struggles she faced with drugs as a teenager. Unfortunately, she wasn't nearly as lucky. She overdosed in a flop house. It took her family two days of searching before they finally found her body. The people she hung out with knew she was dead but they just left her there and found a new place to get high."

“That’s terrible,” Dani gasped. “No person should be treated that way, no matter what decisions they made in life.”

"He described how she would do anything to get her next hit. Their family tried to get her into rehab multiple times but she didn't want the help. He also confessed to being the one who took you to rehab the night of the bar fight. You mentioned to him you were done being an addict, so he pulled some connections to get you in."

All the more reason she owed that man. He’d risked his own life multiple times.

"I'll never be able to pay him back for giving me my life."

Gage took her hand once again. "Sure you can. You continue to live life to the fullest. You don't let this set you back. You fight harder than you did before. You prove to Ace.” Gage paused. “Well, maybe not Ace, since he’s dead, but you prove to the rest of the Hell Raisers and the world that you're stronger than they are. That's how you pay him back. You don't let this consume you. You live because his sister couldn't. That's how you repay him."

Determination took hold.

"It's going to be a tough road. The last time was hard for me. There were countless occasions when I wanted to give up and there had been no one but your mother cheering for me. This time is different. I have you and Agent Knight. I don’t want to disappoint either of you. That is going to be a lot of pressure for me to handle.”

"So we take it one day at a time. One hour at a time if needed. But either way I'll be by your side throughout it. No pressure. I will be proud of you no matter what."

He says that now but will he change his mind?

"I don't want to stay here while I go through it,” she confessed. “There’s too many memories here.”

Gage smiled and damn it was a good one. "I was hoping you would say that. How do you feel about New Mexico? I have an entire house that needs furnishing. It would give you something to keep busy for a while."

"Your house?"

"Our house," he corrected. "There’s been no other female in it. Scratch that. My teammates’ wives broke in while I was here."

She blanched. "They broke in?"

"Yup. Apparently they were curious about how I lived since I never invited them over, so they helped themselves."

Oh, she was going to like these women. A lot. It made her decision that much easier to make.

"Okay, let's do it."

Gage gave her a skeptical look. "You just want to meet my friends."

Nothing got past him. He could always read her mind.

"Maybe a little."

He hummed but didn't sound mad when he said, "I'll take what I can get."