Page 23 of One Hot Summer

Now, every night, I lay in my apartment, staring at the ceiling, feeling the empty space he left behind.

Sometimes, when I finally drifted off, I dreamed about him.

Not the sex, though there was plenty of that too.

No, it was mostly the other stuff that haunted me: Adam stretched out on the deck at sunrise, mug of coffee cradled in both hands, face still soft with sleep.

The way he’d sing along, off-key, while washing dishes.

The way he’d melt against me in bed, all sharp angles and warm skin, and whisper secrets like we were kids hiding from the world.

I wanted to be the person he told those secrets to.

I wanted to be the person he could count on, even when it was hard. Especially then. I wanted to try again.

My hand reached for my phone, almost of its own accord.

I unlocked it, scrolled to his name, hovered my thumb over the message field.

What would I even say? Sorry I sent you away because I was scared?

Sorry I’m a coward, that I don’t know how to be what you need?

Sorry I’m not ready to admit that the only thing I want in this world is you, even if it means blowing up every single piece of my carefully constructed life?

A knock at the door startled me. I jerked upright, nearly dropping my phone. “Yeah?” I called, voice sharper than I intended.

The door opened a crack. “It’s me,” came the muffled reply.

My eyes widened and I sprang up out of my chair. “Come in, Dalton.”

The door swung open, and my son stepped inside, looking every bit as haunted as I felt. He closed the door behind him, then just stood there. For a minute, neither of us moved. We hadn’t spoken since he left the cabin. I didn’t blame him. I was disappointed in myself too.

His jaw was set, eyes hard. He wore a battered t-shirt from a Nashville bar, a pair of basketball shorts, and a baseball cap turned backwards on his head.

I could still see glimpses of the same boy I’d raised but he was different too—older, more mature.

I wasn’t sure when it had happened, but he was a man now.

Or maybe it had been happening all along, and I was just able to recognize it because of all the time I’d spent with Adam.

He crossed to the desk and sat down, dropping his backpack on the floor. I watched him, trying to read the temperature of the room. “Hey,” he said.

“Hey,” I echoed.

He picked at the hem of his shorts, then glanced up, meeting my gaze for the first time. His eyes were red, but not angry. Just tired. “You look like shit,” he said, deadpan.

I almost laughed. “Right back at you, champ.” The old familiar banter flickered, then died. We sat in silence for a minute, the sounds of the city humming through the window. I waited for him to speak first. He’d earned that right.

“Why him?” he asked finally. “Of all people, Dad. Why Adam?”

The question felt like a punch. I let it hang in the air, searching for an answer that wasn’t pathetic.

“Because he’s kind,” I said, surprised by how easily the truth came.

“Because he’s smart, and stubborn, and funny.

Because he challenges me. Because he—” I stopped, embarrassed by the rawness in my own voice.

Dalton didn’t move, didn’t blink. “Because he’s not Mom?”

“That’s not fair to either of them,” I said, shaking my head. “You know why your mom and I stayed together as long as we did.”

He nodded. “Because of me. Because you thought it was the right thing.”

“Well, yeah,” I admitted. “We wanted to give you the best start in life. A stable home with two loving parents.”

“But you guys never loved each other, did you?”

I met his eyes and forced myself to admit the truth. “No. I don’t think we ever did.”

Dalton ran a hand over his eyes. When he looked back at me, they were filled with sorrow.

Instinct had me moving towards him before I could think better of it.

I dropped into the chair next to him and squeezed his shoulder gently, trying to offer some comfort.

“I’m sorry, Son. I know this must be difficult for you to hear. ”

He nodded, his eyes glistening. “I guess I always suspected, deep down. But hearing you say it…” He trailed off, shaking his head.

“Your mother and I cared for each other,” I said softly. “We still do. But we were never in love. Not the way two people should be when they get married.”

Dalton was quiet for a long moment, processing. Then he looked up at me, his expression unreadable. “And Adam? Do you care about him or was this just some fling?”

The question caught me off guard. I opened my mouth, then closed it again, not sure if my response would be accepted or cause him to shut down again. In the end, I decided the best option would be to tell the truth. No more hiding.

“I do care about him, Dalton. A lot. I know it’s fast, and it’s complicated, and it makes no Goddamn sense.

But I do. He makes me happy, and I’d like to keep seeing him if he’s willing, but not if it’s going to cause problems between the two of you.

I know how much your friendship means to him and I don’t ever want to get in the way of that. ”

My son’s face shifted, the remnants of his anger dissolving into something softer. He looked down at his hands, then back up at me. “I thought you were just… I don’t know. Lonely. Using him.”

I shook my head, hard. “It’s not like that. I promise you. I’d never hurt him. Or you.”

For a second, I thought he might argue. Instead, he just sighed, long and low.

“You’re both idiots, you know,” he said.

“I’ve stopped by our apartment a couple of times to pick up a few things and all he does is mope around like someone shot his dog.

It’s pretty obvious he hasn’t been eating or sleeping. ”

I felt my heart crack, just a little. “I didn’t know.”

“Of course you didn’t,” Dalton said seriously.

“Because of me. Once again, you were giving stuff up for me. I get it and I love you for it. You’re an incredible dad and you’ve always put my needs first, but I’m all grown up now and you need to start living your life for yourself.

Do the things that make you happy for once. ”

“But you were so angry,” I argued.

Dalton’s brow furrowed in thought. “I think I was more shocked than anything. And yeah, I may have been a little angry at first, but that was because I thought you two were just having some fling, something that had the potential to blow up in all our faces. But it’s clear now, looking at both of you, that that’s not the case. ”

The guilt settled, heavy and thick. “I thought it would be easier. For you, for him.”

He shook his head. “You don’t get it, Dad. Adam’s never had anyone. Never. Every family he’s ever had either abandoned him, rejected him, or chose someone else. I was the first person who stuck around, who didn’t bail when things got tough.”

He met my gaze, suddenly fierce. “If you’re going to do this, you don’t get to half-ass it. You don’t get to be with him and then walk away when it’s messy. He needs you. And frankly, I think you need him too.”

“I do. I need him more than I realized. And I promise, I would never hurt him. Ever,” I replied fervently.

“Good.”

“What are you saying?”

He leaned forward, elbows on knees. “I’m saying, if you want to be with Adam, you have my blessing. So. What are you going to do?”

For the first time in a week, I knew the answer. I stood up, snatching my phone and car keys. “I’m going to go see him,” I said. “I don’t know if he’ll talk to me, but I have to at least try.”

Dalton grinned, wide and sudden. “Now you’re talking.”

I paused in the doorway, looking back at my son. “You’re sure you’re okay with this?”

He shrugged, all the years of old pain and new forgiveness folding into one motion. “I’m not going to pretend it isn’t weird. But if you’re happy, and he’s happy, then I can deal.”

He crossed to the door, pulling me into a quick, rough hug. “Just… be good to him, okay? He deserves that. You both deserve it.”

“I will,” I promised. “Oh, and Son,”—I pulled back, looking directly at him—“You were worth it. You will always be worth anything I have to do to make sure you’re happy because I love you.”

Warmth filled his gaze as he stared back at me. “I love you too, Dad. Now, get out of here and go smooth things over with your man.”

My man . Those two words played on repeat as I rode the elevator down to the ground floor and got out.

I liked the sound of them. I just hoped I could make them into a reality.

I left the office, sunlight glaring off the buildings, the world suddenly new and full of possibility.

I didn’t know what would happen. Maybe Adam would slam the door in my face.

Maybe he’d already moved on. But I was done running.