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THIRTY-SEVEN

Joey

I slip out of the house, exhausted from not having slept, but also not having trusted myself to wake up in time.

To wake up before him.

I need to get the hell out of here.

Now.

I close the front door softly behind me, hit the button on the keypad to engage the lock then slip out to my car, tense until I’m out of the driveway and down the street.

No morning skate today, and I take full advantage of that. Instead of heading to the rink, I make a pitstop by my house to get my things for tonight then drive up through the winding roads, getting lost in the trees, in the morning sunshine.

I don’t stop.

Not when my phone rings.

Not as the road gets narrower.

Not until I’m at the top of the mountain.

Only then do I pull to a stop, slotting my car into an opening on the side of the road.

For a long time, I stare out at the vista in front of me—acres and acres of pine trees, the gorgeous blue lake in the distance.

And I prepare myself.

For what I’m going to do.

For what I have to do.

Can I?

Do I have a choice?

I do…but I don’t.

Because it’s not just about me. It’s about everyone before and everyone after and?—

Yeah, it’s also about me.

I exhale as I stare out at the grand expanse of mountains, the evidence of the beauty of nature and the truth that I’m only a very tiny piece in all the vastness of the universe…and I make a decision.

No .

I accept the decision I’ve already made.

My phone buzzes for the umpteenth time—apparently at this elevation, cell service has a clear shot to torment me. I glance down and read another text from Damon, see that the chain of messages are growing ever more concerned.

Guilt ripples through me, but although I spent the last eighteen hours thinking, wondering, worrying, I still haven’t figured that part out, haven’t figured out what I’m going to do about Damon.

I love him.

I have for a while.

But can I be in a relationship with someone who kept something like this from me?

Even as that question buzzes along my mind, I can’t keep out the ironic realization that I’m doing the same exact thing as he did right now.

Keeping something from Damon to protect him .

My head pulses with pain, with the dissonance, with the hurt.

Then I tuck it all away.

Because I can’t deal with that right now.

I need to confront what happened with Hiller, my failures afterward, my guilt from not speaking up…

And that’s more than my fair share already.

In fact, it feels like so much of a fucking share that my lungs are tight, my thoughts spin with all the speed of a hurricane, and my heart feels shredded.

But I can handle this.

God knows, I’ve handled so much more.

So I stand there, focusing on my breath, on the untouched nature in front of me.

Green pines. Granite mountains. A blue, blue lake.

Slow and steady breaths. A cool breeze on my sweat-coated skin.

And eventually, I’m able to come out of that whirlwind, to be at peace with my decision, and then, long minutes later, to type out a reply to Damon.

JOEY: I’m fine. I’ll explain later tonight. Call me after you land.

It’s mere seconds later when my cell buzzes with a reply.

DAMON: I rescheduled my flight. Where are you? Let’s talk now.

JOEY: I’ll call you later.

He replies again, but I don’t read it, certainly don’t answer it.

I just let that boundary stand…because I can’t right now.

Instead, I pull up Tera’s contact information and hit the button to call her.

“You ready?” she asks after we exchange greetings.

My blood is freezing in my veins, my spine has gone stiff, and my head is threatening to spin out again, but sure, I’m fine.

Fine. Fine. Everything is fine.

Channeling that meme, I exhale one more time, nod even though she can’t see me, and say, “I’m ready.”

“Okay,” she says gently. “Know I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

“I know.”

“Good,” she murmurs. “So you’ll meet me…” She gives me the address, and I nod again, still knowing she can’t see me, but I can’t stop myself.

“I’ll be there,” I whisper.

“Joey?”

“Yeah?”

“You don’t have to do this.”

My lungs inflate in a rush, bringing oxygen so quickly to my brain that my vision goes hazy for a few seconds. I let a breath out. Take another back in.

Then I say, “I know. But I’m doing it anyway.”

I tell her goodbye then hang up.

A moment later, I’m making my way back to my car and heading down the mountain.

I meet up with Tera, with the district attorney and the detective handling Hiller’s case…and I keep my promise.

To the other women.

And to myself.