Page 83 of Old Girls on Deck

‘That’s what I said,’ Thelma replied.

Beside her Ken fidgeted. ‘No, you didn’t, you said you were looking forward to going home and having a decent cup of tea.’

‘I said nothing of the sort!’

‘You did. You said you would sell your soul for some PG Tips…’

Luckily at that moment, the curtains opened to show a scene decorated with hay bales and the outline of a barn, and then the dancers came on, dressed in gingham and bonnets, and gave us a spirited rendering of ‘I Cain’t Say No,’ happily causing Ken to pipe down before he annoyed his wife even further.

Then the boys from the dance troupe came on and did some spirited and very complicated line dancing which caused a great deal of admiration, in me at least.

This was followed by the singer, Carol Cusson making a stately, well-corseted entrance, dressed as a saloon keeper and launching into a tooth-rattling duet ‘Anything You Can Do (I Can Do Better)’ with one of the male singers.

‘What can I get you?’ Gerald hissed in my ear. ‘I’m going to get a whisky. Keeps me frisky. Would you like a gin?’

‘No, thank you,’ I hissed back.

‘Sure?’

‘Absolutely.’

He sat back with a grunt of disapproval and kicked the back of my chair again.

‘I wonder how Diana is getting on,’ I murmured to Evelyn.

‘I hope she’s having fun.’

What would count as fun in my sister’s life?

I thought about this as one of the dancers returned to the stage dressed as a farmhand and did some clever lassoing of two of the other dancers dressed as a pantomime cow. This nearly brought the house down the applause was so enthusiastic.

‘Glass of wine then?’ Gerald was back, breathing fresh whisky fumes over me.

‘No, thank you.’

Next to me, Evelyn giggled.

We were then delighted to see the other dancers strut onto the stage dressed as hens and start singing ‘Ain’t Nobody Here but Us Chickens’, which caused Evelyn to splutter with laughter. Evidently Dick Dainty hadn’t managed to talk them out of it.

‘It’s awfully good, isn’t it?’ she said, wiping away tears of mirth. ‘How on earth will they follow that?’

The answer was a song from Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, all about the joys of spring. The singing voices were excellent, but it was difficult to concentrate when four chickens, some farmhands and a pantomime cow were jostling for space with Carol Cusson’s bosom.

‘Absolutely marvellous,’ Evelyn sighed happily as we applauded everyone off stage. ‘That’s a new one. I wouldn’t have missed that for anything.’

‘Now, about that drink,’ Gerald said from behind us, ‘let’s all go to the Lautrec and have a nightcap or two.’

‘Do you know I think I’ll have to pass on this occasion,’ Evelyn said regretfully, ‘I need to get to my bed after all that excitement.’

‘I expect you do too, don’t you?’ Gerald leered at me.

‘Well—’

‘I’m afraid I will need Jill to come with me, I need her to unlace my stays,’ Evelyn said imperiously.

The others frowned at each other in puzzlement.

‘Really?’ Thelma said.