Page 26 of Not a Friend (Crescent Light #1)

Four Years Ago, December

She remembered my birthday.

“ I think it’s time you talk to Nate,” Gemma said as she swung her legs over mine, lounging back against the arm of our couch.

Keeping my eyes on the Christmas movie on our TV, I covered her feet with my blanket, feigning nonchalance. “Talk to Nate about what?”

She eyed me with raised brows.

Like a drawbridge over a moat, my defenses rose. I stared back blankly. “Talk to Nate about what, Gem?”

While I wasn’t necessarily avoiding him, things had been funny since our last conversation before Halloween.

It was now mid-December, and we’d barely spoken outside of a few inconsequential texts.

Was I enjoying it? No, not at all. It sucked.

I missed his company, not just the sex, but things were at a standstill.

The ball was in his court, and I refused to be the girl who begged for someone’s attention.

Gemma shrugged and gave me a small smile, offering comfort against my defensiveness. “You two still avoiding your feelings?”

I laughed incredulously as if to say Don’t ask and turned back to the TV .

“How long have you been hooking up? Almost a year? I know you. You wouldn’t still be giving him the time of day if you didn’t have serious feelings for him. And I also know casual isn’t exactly your strong suit.”

“I’ve been doing casual just fine, thanks,” I said, more clipped than I meant.

She straightened, placing a hand on mine. “I’m not trying to pry, babe. I don’t know what you’ve talked about behind closed doors. If you’ve talked about keeping things casual, fine. Do your thing, girl. But I think it’s going to be hard staying casual when you realize you’re in love.”

My scoff was immediate. “We are not in love.”

“Okay, so maybe I’m exaggerating. You know what I’m saying, though.”

My feelings towards Nate had been a steadily growing black hole over the last few months.

It sucked in all my attention, no matter how much I tried to ignore it.

Of course, I had a crush on him from the beginning, and I liked him enough to keep seeing him for a year.

But at some point between summer and winter—I wish I knew when—it had taken a sharp turn into something much more than a schoolgirl crush.

It was the elephant in every room of my mind, the clown makeup I painted on every morning, and I was doing a horrible job at keeping it at bay.

Gemma, with all the love, support, and sincerity anyone could want in a best friend, was asking me for honesty. Not just with her but with myself, too.

Putting it into the universe made it real, but the words fell woefully short. “I like him,” I said softly. When I met her baby blues, I repeated. “I really like him. ”

Her lips spread into a wide grin. “See? I knew it!” When I didn’t say anything, she gave my hand a squeeze.

“I didn’t want to push you. I know you like to figure things out for yourself, but I see the way you two look at each other, even when you think you’re being subtle.

It’s obvious there’s more going on than just sex. ”

I nodded wordlessly, studying the blanket covering us.

“But since we’re on the subject,” Gemma continued, “how is the sex?”

A cackle burst out of me, the sudden levity knocking me out of my thoughts.

“Oh, come on,” she pressed. “You’ve never told me a single dirty detail.”

“The sex is…” I searched for the words. “The sex is amazing, okay? It’s beyond amazing. Like, ‘Holy shit, how did I ever settle for boring sex when sex like this exists,’ amazing, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear?” I snorted.

“That’s not even close to what I wanted! I want to hear it all .”

So, I told her everything. All the things I’d kept to myself in the months spent with Nate were laid out.

I filled in all the blanks for the parts she already knew and gave her all the TMI details she’d waited for patiently.

I told her about my conflicting feelings, the mixed signals, and the nagging doubt that clarity would make any difference at all.

“It’s not like I didn’t give him a chance to talk to me.

He could have told me how he felt and he didn’t.

The way I see it, that means he either completely did not pick up what I was putting down, or he just doesn’t feel the same.

In which case, I embarrassed myself enough for a lifetime and will now be escaping to the woods to live out the rest of my life in solitude. ”

There was also a third possibility: We were both afraid to make the first move .

“Not without me, you’re not.” Gemma lounged back again, tucking her feet under my thigh to keep warm. “There’s no way he doesn’t feel the same.”

I snuggled deeper into the couch. “It’s hard to get a read on him when he’s so hot and cold.

We’ll talk every day for a while, then he’ll fall off the face of the earth.

It’s been a month and a half since we’ve talked.

” Ever since I’d told him about the date with Austin—which barely constituted as a date after all.

Austin and I got along well but the spark wasn’t there. We were better as study buddies.

“But that’s not uncommon with him, right? Going MIA?”

“Not uncommon . Just usually not for this long. I assume he’s coming to game night tomorrow, but I have no clue.”

“The big question is, what’s stopping you guys? I mean, do you see yourself being happy with him if you guys, like, took the next step?”

The flutter in my chest was answer enough. I let myself imagine what it would be like to be with him— really be with him. Falling asleep, waking up next to him day after day. Going grocery shopping together, exchanging Christmas gifts, meeting his sister.

It could be great.

Gemma poked my side, looking smug.

“I need to talk to him, don’t I?”

“Girl. Yes . Like, yesterday.”

“Pass or play motherfucker.”

Martinez looked comically large sitting at our teeny tiny kitchen table.

The wooden hand-me-down table from my oldest brother’s first apartment was meant for two people to drink tea at, not for four people to play cards.

The usual gang was present and accounted for, with the exception of Leo, who had plans with his girlfriend, and Nate, who had totally flaked.

It would’ve been one thing for him not to make it because he was working on his music, but to say nothing—not even to Jared—was odd.

Martinez and Miles were currently losing at a game of four-handed, and they grew more impatient with Jared and Grant every minute. The brothers were, naturally, using every excuse to draw their victory out for as long as possible.

“I think I need another beer,” Jared crooned, sliding off his chair and moseying to the kitchen. He shot me a shit-eating grin as he squeezed past me to get to the refrigerator.

Gemma’s and my apartment was the smallest of everyone's, but we’d gotten added to the game night rotation like everyone else. It never ceased to make me smile how easily Gemma and I integrated into their friend group.

Sure, they were a little overwhelming at first—they were loud as all get out and cussed like sailors—but their constant company and noise had become something to look forward to.

There was a comfort in the chaos, I supposed.

“Grab one for me,” Grant said. Gemma snickered from her spot on Grant’s lap.

“Hell,” Miles shouted, “grab me one, too.” He slapped his cards face down on the table. “This is painful.”

Martinez groaned his agreement. “Christensen, if you don’t get your ass over here and finish this game, I’m going to have a bitch fit.”

“Relax.” Jared returned with the beers and distributed them. He cracked his open, taking a long swig before picking his cards back up. He studied them for a long moment. “Pass.”

“I hate you. ”

Gemma and I subbed in for Martinez and Miles after their terrible loss, but they stayed close to cheer us on against the Christensen brothers.

“If you guys pull that shit again—” Gemma cut Grant a threatening look. “I’m returning your birthday gifts.”

“You mean Christmas gifts?” I asked. Christmas was only a handful of days away.

“No. Anakin over here is a January Capricorn.”

“He’s too lawful-good to be Anakin,” Miles quipped from his spot against the doorframe of the kitchen. “He’s more Obi-Wan.”

Grant clasped his heart, his eyes sparkling. “That might be the best compliment I’ve ever gotten.”

Miles winked.

“Hold up,” Martinez straightened. “I forgot about your birthday, Obi-Wan. Are we getting fucked up?”

Grant shook his head and said, “No,” at the exact same time his little brother said, “Yes.” When their eyes met across the table, Jared just grinned and drummed his fingers on the table.

“No,” Grant repeated, shuffling the deck for the new round. “Can’t we just hang out and play cards or something?”

“I can make a cake!” Gemma volunteered.

“Absolutely not!” Martinez rejected. “Dude, we aren’t doing this ,” he gestured wildly around the room, “for your birthday. I love a low-key night as much as you do, but we are not celebrating by sitting around playing cards like it’s a regular old Tuesday.

” We never played cards on Tuesdays, but his point was made.

“Let’s go out and get fucked up. We never get fucked up anymore! ”

“Hard agree,” Miles nodded, tucking a wayward strand of black hair behind his ear .

Grant grimaced. “I feel like my getting fucked up days are behind me, man. The last hangover I had lasted three straight days.”

While Martinez continued his begging, reasoning that they never had fun anymore and the group needed a nice outing to maintain morale, I went to the kitchen for a refill. I caught Gemma’s eye, motioning to my glass in a, Do you need a drink? gesture. Instead of nodding, she rose and followed me.

“So much for talking to Nate,” she whisper-shouted when it was just the two of us in the cramped kitchen. “Why didn’t he show tonight?”

“No clue.” I sighed. “But I think I have a game plan. The next time I see him, I’m going to just come out and say it.

” I’d tell him I had real feelings for him, and I wanted to see where things would go if we gave it an honest shot.

I hated not knowing what the outcome would be—not feeling in control—but I couldn’t keep doing what we were doing without knowing how he felt.

It was a risk, but he was worth it. I was worth it.

If he felt the same, great. If he didn’t…

I would have to be okay with a clean break.

I was too far gone. There was no way I could go back to casual.

“Come onnnn,” Martinez whined.

“Fine!” Grant groaned. “If I say yes, will you shut up?”

Martinez’s grin was audible, even from the next room. “Let’s go! That’s my man!”