Page 57 of Nocturnal Sins

My chest felt too heavy for my frame. It was being pulled into the depths of the earth by gravity. Something was wrong and I knew it.

I don’t remember sitting down but I remember being in a chair when the horrible news left Pop’s mouth that my mother had been killed in a car crash. My beautiful, smart, funny mother. The same mother who made me tea and soup when I was sick and slapped me in the back of the head when I was misbehaving. The same mother that held me in her arms not because I asked her but because she knew me inside and out.

Memories drowned me until I couldn’t tell them from my tears. I was steeped in salty emotions. Even standing in the dining room with Pop, I felt the familiar stinging invading my eyes without warning.

I blinked rapidly hoping to chase them away but they knew their way around my defenses. Pop took one look at me and I saw every last bit of grit he had left toward me blow away like dust. The last plate clattered to the table and his arms locked around me in a tight hug.

I couldn’t deny that hug if I wanted to. I clapped him on the back and shut my eyes for a second to compose myself. “She would have been proud of you, mijo,” he spoke quietly. “Even with you and Samira being together, she would have been so proud that you stood up for what you believed in no matter what.”

I nodded my head then straightened my spine. I rubbed my eyes a bit then cleared my throat. “It’s hard to think about her sometimes but at the same time if I don’t, a part of me dies.” I stared at how the grain of the wood on the table swirled together to make patterns that looked like fingerprints. I stared until I got lost and didn’t have to think about the grief slicing me in two.

“It’ll never get easier, Santana. You just learn to live with the pain. You’re doing one hell of a job.”

“Thanks, Pop. I know it’s taking a lot for you to say all this to me right now so…I appreciate it.”

“You’re still my son no matter what the fuck crazy shit you and Sam have going on. Nothing changes that. Ever. Got it?” He tousled my hair and I found a smile somewhere deep inside to offer him. It was a smile that came straight from my inner child as I looked at the man I’d admired my entire life.

He wasn’t without his flaws but who the fuck was? He took care of me and he treated me like his own blood and that meant more to me than anything in the world. He never made me feel like I was alone, even when he was mad at me. I honestly don’t think Pop had it in him to shun me.

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