Page 15

I’m exhausted before the party even starts.

It’s easy to forget that Merrick still has a lot of London connections.

That he has such high standards and expectations when I’m used to seeing him with his daughter messing around on the beach or searching for crabs in the rock pools when the tide has gone out.

I look over the kitchen, checking the last of the food, some already on the silver trays.

The servers are looking neat and tidy in black trousers and crisp white shirts and are ready for the first round of champagne and tiny mouthfuls of amuse-bouche.

But I’ve been told I’m a guest, not a caterer.

“Benny, you’ve passed all my expectations.

Please leave the kitchen and enjoy the party,”

Merrick admonishes me.

My plan was to stay out of the way of a certain guest, but obviously, I’m not allowed, and that was probably Merrick’s plan all along.

His determination to have all his friends as happily in love as he and Drew are.

Of course I want that too.

I always have, but the person I’ve become is because I fixated on the past, on the love I thought was perfect.

I’ve become a stupid middle-aged man.

Who knows who and what I’ve said no to because I thought Jethro would come back for me?

It's time to turn over a new leaf, to make a resolution before the New Year.

I’m going to put Jethro behind me.

I did it before, and although Jamie was a total dick, I still found out I can be happy and in love with someone else.

There are online dating apps, not Grindr, something, I don’t know, something—more.

Maybe there’s someone here tonight.

Merrick has invited a ton of people outside of the town. So I pull up my metaphorical big girl panties and face the group.

It’s a good thing Merrick has such a large house.

The number of people here are doing a great job of filling it.

When someone calls my name, I look up.

Stacey is motioning for me to come over.

“Oh my god, Benny.

The food is fantastic. I think I should marry you.”

“I’m glad you like it, but unfortunately, you’re lacking what I like in a person.”

I grin and accept her hug.

“Why are all the best men gay?”

Her lamentation is greeted with sighs of agreement from Melanie and Maeve.

Maeve’s gaze lingers on me for a moment longer than the others. Then it flickers to the other side of the room.

I don’t want to follow her gaze because I know who she’s staring at, but like a lamb to the slaughter, I look.

He is beautiful.

I’ve never had an opinion on tattoos, but on him, they look incredible.

Has he more hidden under the deep green button-down shirt that’s clinging to him like a second skin? As if he can feel me, he glances my way.

The heat in his eyes burns through me as if it pierces down into my core.

All the resolves from five minutes ago have flown out the window. Fuck it. I want him. Maeve’s voice breaks my gaze.

“It’s not too late, y’know. He’s never let anyone get near him because of you. He won’t let himself fall for anyone because of you. He moved back here because of you. You are both stubborn. He made the first move, and you turned him away. It’s up to you now. Don’t be a fool.”

“You don’t know me.”

It’s a weak answer, proving just how stubborn I am.

“Is being alone better than swallowing your pride and seeing if there’s something there? A reminder of what you had and maybe a promise what you can still have?”

“I don’t know. It’s all I’ve known for the last fifteen years.”

I’ve said enough. It’s time to move on. Brodie and Ivan are standing close together, talking quietly. Brodie says something that makes Ivan smile, a sweet smile followed by a kiss on his temple.

That does it for me. They have what I want. It’s intimate, and my heart squeezes painfully. I need to get some fresh air. With so many people here, the front door is the easiest way out. I can’t leave, though, not with all the servers to keep an eye on, but I need to be away from all the loved-up couples. Even Mel has been seeing someone and she rarely dates.

As I stand on the wide front doorstep, my back to the hallway, I breathe in the cold December air. A hand touches my shoulder. Jethro waits for me to look at him, but it’s hard. All I can see is everything I’ve ever lost and everything I want to have. “Ben, are you okay? What did Maeve say to you? She has the knack of running her mouth before thinking.”

I try to smile, but it’s a feeble attempt when all I see is pity in his eyes. “Nothing. It doesn’t matter.”

I turn back to look out at the night sky. For the first time in a while, it’s a clear sky. The new year starts afresh. What will it have in store for me? “It wasn’t anything she said. It all got a bit too much.”

“Too many perfect couples. Yeah, I get it.”

Does he? Is he seeing the same as me? A room full of friends who have everything I ache for. “Can we…? Shit. I mean, I really would like us to talk. I’m sure there are a lot of things you want to get off your chest. I know I have a decade and a half’s worth of explanations and grovelling to do.”

I spin back and gape at him. “What? Why do you say that? You hate me.”

Shock flashes in his gaze; it’s fleeting, but it’s there. “I don’t hate you. Jesus, Ben, this isn’t how I imagined talking to you. Can you leave? I know this is your gig, which is incredible, by the way, but I really would like to talk to you.”

Is there any point in putting this off? We can’t carry on like this, with me avoiding him for the rest of our lives. He’s here for good, and I’ll never leave. It’s a can of snakes instead of worms we’ll be opening, and both of us will be hurt by the words we say. After fifteen years, there won’t be many kind words, but I want to hear him out. I’ve had enough of burying my head in the sand, although I doubt what Maeve has said. I don’t think there’ll be anything between us except maybe friendship. Can I live with that? I won’t know until we try.

Before I can speak, Amy appears in the doorway. “There you are, Benny. We need more salmon canapés. Have you got any in your car?”

I fish my keys out of my pocket. “They’re in the large cooler.”

I hand her the keys but change my mind. “Never mind. I’ll come with you. We can get the rest out.”

“Ben?”

Jethro says with a croak in his voice. “Please?”

“Yes, but when the party is over. An hour tops.”

Amy looks from me to Jethro and back to me. She pales, which means the whole town knows there’s something going on between us. “Give me the keys, Benny. Luke and Maddie can help me. We’ve got this. Go.”

She shoos me away. “Talk to Jet.”

Does everyone call him that now? As much as I hate to admit it, it does suit this new edgy version of the young man I used to know. And that’s it. That’s the crux of the matter: I’m trying to avoid the man I used to know.

“Okay, call me if there are any problems. Can you drive my car back to the shop?”

Amy rolls her eyes. There’s no way she’s going to interrupt this. In fact, I could probably sell tickets for the show. “Sure, boss.”

I turn to Jethro. “Lead the way.”