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Chapter Thirty-Four

TORIN

I’m floating. My limbs feel heavy. My brain feels foggy. My breaths feel… weird. I can’t quite figure out what’s different, but it definitely feels weird to breathe. Which is a strange feeling to have. Breathing should be natural and innate. I shouldn’t even be aware of it. Yet, I am more aware of it than usual. It’s distracting.

I spend a lot of time concentrating on my breathing. Not to alter it, but just studying it. Trying to figure out why it’s different. Why am I so conscious of it?

Movement around me makes me open my eyes. I’m slightly startled when they open. As if I hadn’t known they were closed. I don’t recognize my surroundings. The room is white and beige and gray. Very sterile looking. There’s a constant beep in the background, regular and rhythmic.

My body feels heavier now that my eyes are open. I’m aware of aches here and there. My upper back. My leg. My wrist. My head. Definitely my head. And my face. Hell, I think even my eyes hurt. And my teeth! Are teeth supposed to hurt?

Everything inside me feels jarred. Like I was shook or tossed or something. Like a salad. Shaken up to make sure every piece has some dressing. I was shaken like a salad.

Why would someone do that to a person?

There’s a slight pressure on my hand and I glance down. At first, I can’t decide what I’m seeing. Something is growing from my hand. Growing away and up and… oh. That’s another hand.

My eyes follow the hand to the arm, chest, and face. He’s beautiful. Looking at him makes my chest tight. And warm. My breath, which I’m still keenly aware of, struggles a little more. Does he know how beautiful he is?

Why does he look so sad?

“Hi,” he says.

Oh, his voice is just as beautiful as his face. Hopefully he’ll speak again.

“I’m Hugo. Do you remember me?”

I know him! Wait. No, I don’t. But I’m supposed to, apparently. That’s what he’s saying, right? I should know him.

“I’m your boyfriend,” this man says.

He’s mine. That’s what I heard. I get to keep him. That’s good news at least. I shake my head. It’s so heavy and shaking it makes my brain hurt so I don’t shake it much. Just a little.

“Are you feeling okay? Do you want something to eat? Or drink?”

It takes me several tries to convince my head I need to shake it again. There needs to be another way to answer.

“Are you in pain?”

Maybe nodding won’t hurt so bad. Since it’s the truth at any rate, I try nodding. Honestly, I think shaking my head in any direction isn’t going to be my favorite thing. That’s a different kind of discomfort but one all the same.

My boyfriend Hugo, whom I should know, reaches across my body and presses a button. I don’t feel anything different. Was that supposed to numb the pain? Maybe he needs to do it again. Just to be sure it worked.

Then we’re staring at each other. I wish he were closer. It feels lonely right here and I’m sure I’ll like it if he’s closer. It takes some effort and a minute to remember how, but I eventually manage to squeeze his hand a little. No. That was the wrong hand. I find it amusing enough that I almost smile.

Eventually, I get the right hand and Hugo smiles. It’s a sad smile. Why is he so sad ?

His hand tightens around mine. Not painfully, but I’m definitely more aware.

The door opens and people walk in. I can hear multiple sets of shoes. “Torin. Baby, you’re awake.”

I don’t look away from Hugo, though the woman’s voice is familiar. I just want to stare at him. Will it bother him if I do? He gives me another sad smile.

“Here, Mrs. Jonah,” Hugo says and releases my hand.

Oh, no. No, no, no. Nope. That’s not happening. I grip him tightly and he turns back to me with a smile. It’s less sad now. But his eyes are still very, very sad.

“I’m not leaving, Torin. Your mom wants to see you.”

I don’t care who wants to see me. I grip his hand as tight as I can.

“You’re stressing him,” another voice says. “He wants you to stay where you are.”

Hugo sighs and sits again. This time, he leans near me and rests his head against the side of mine. I turn my face into his hair and take a breath. He smells good. And also… sweaty. Interesting.

“How do you feel, Torin?” the voice that doesn’t belong to my mother asks.

The woman who I think is my mother comes into view as she moves closer to Hugo. I grip his hand tighter. Just in case she tries to take him from me again.

“Still not up to talking, huh?” the voice asks.

I sigh and close my eyes, rubbing my face into my boyfriend Hugo’s hair.

“He said he’s in pain,” Hugo tells them. “When I asked, he nodded.”

“I see. I’ll see when he’s due for more meds.”

“Thank you,” Hugo says.

There’s a moment of silence as I try to wiggle closer. My body doesn’t quite respond. I think it’s forgotten how to listen to directions. Do I need to say them out loud? Body, move to boyfriend, please.

That’s not out loud, is it?

I sigh again .

Hugo picks his head up to look at me. “What’s wrong? What do you need?”

There isn’t really an answer. I just want him to get closer. My hand is the only thing that’s responding properly so I grip his as tightly as I can and try to pull him closer.

“I’m right here, Torin. I’m never leaving. I promise.” His other hand comes up and he brushes my hair from my forehead. His face gets closer to mine, his forehead on mine. “Whatever you need.”

I think I need him.

“There we go,” the not-mom’s voice says. Something good begins to soothe its way through my body. Exhaustion begins to overtake me. Before too long, I’m asleep again.

Something sharp wakes me. It feels like it’s being shoved through the back of my head. My head fucking throbs.

“What’s wrong? What happened?”

My eyes open to find a man leaning over me looking alarmed. Wow. He’s hot.

He reaches across me and slams on a red button over and over.

“Are you okay?” he asks, his hand moves to my forehead, brushing my hair away. “Please, tell me what you need, Torin. Anything at all.”

I lean into his touch. That feels nice. It’s cool too. I feel hot. Like I’m burning.

“What’s wrong?” a new voice says.

“I don’t know. His heart is going crazy and he just… snapped open. He looks like he’s in distress,” the hot man says.

The other person moves around me but my gaze is locked on the hot man. How can it not be when he’s touching me?

“I’m Hugo,” he tells me after a minute, his voice quiet. “I’m your boyfriend.” His smile is small, sad, hopeful.

Wait. He just said he’s mine. Fuck yeah. Look at me scoring a hot boyfriend.

“Are you in pain?” the voice not belonging to Hugo asks.

I nod. Definitely. It’s my head. How do I tell them that?

“Can you tell me where? ”

I stare at Hugo, desperately needing him to understand.

“Where, baby?” he asks, leaning forward. “Here?”

There’s pressure on my hand. I shake my head and then cringe. Ow.

“Here?” he asks, and gently touches the side of my head.

I sigh in relief that he figured it out relatively quickly.

“His head hurts,” Hugo says. “Why does his head hurt? I thought he was recovering?”

“Calm down. Headaches aren’t uncommon with head injuries. We’ll take care of it.”

Hugo stares at him. There’s something that looks like panic in his eyes. How do I tell him it’s okay? I can talk, can’t I? When I try, nothing comes out. Why can’t I talk? Does my mouth move?

“There you go,” the second person in the room sooths. “You should be feeling some relief soon.”

I already do. The tension in my body releases as my head stops throbbing. Thank fuck for that. Now I can stare at my hot boyfriend in peace. I love that he doesn’t look away, but I wish I could take away the pain in his eyes like he just helped take away the pain in my head.

There are quiet voices all around me. Hushed. Muted. Just beyond my consciousness where I can’t quite make out the words. It’s frustrating. Maddening. They’re right there, but so far out of reach. I can hear them, but not what they’re saying.

Why won’t they talk louder? It’s rude to talk right in front of someone like they’re not there and purposefully be too quiet to hear.

As I slowly wake up, the world around me becomes a little more vivid, even from behind my closed eyes. My first thought is that my body aches. Not even in a good way. I just… hurt. My muscles feel stiff. There’s a dull pounding in my head. With every beat of my heart, a pulse of pain shoots through my left leg.

Scowling, I try to blink my eyes open, but it’s so fucking bright. It takes me several tries to make the room come into focus. I… do n’t know where I am but it suspiciously looks like a hospital room. Panic races through me.

“What’s wrong?”

Startled that I heard a voice clearly, I turn my head and instantly wince at the pain that shoots through it. Fucking hell. Was I hit by a bus?

“Look at me, Torin.” A gentle hand cups my face. It takes me several attempts before I can squint. Ohmigod. Is that… Hugo! “Do you hurt?”

I nod and try to ignore the way I wince.

“I hit the button for the nurse. Hold on a minute.” He softly kisses my nose. “I’m Hugo. Your boyfriend.”

Amusement makes me smile. It’s weird that he’s reminding me. It’s a struggle because every muscle I have hurts, but I raise my hand and cover his over my cheek. Hugo’s eyes widen. For a second, he stares in awe. Then a smile breaks out across his face.

“You moved your whole arm, Torin!”

My eyebrows knit together. I didn’t know that’s a reason to celebrate.

“I’m so proud of you. You’re so strong.”

Okay, is that mocking?

“Torin.”

Grudgingly, I turn my attention to the new voice. Clearly a doctor of some kind, or a nurse. How do I tell the difference?

“How are you feeling?”

Frustrated. I hurt. He needs to do something about it. That’s what hospitals are for.

“He moved his arm,” Hugo says excitedly.

The doctor or nurse man smiles. “That’s great news. Are you feeling better?”

I scowl. “No,” I grit out. “Everything hurts.”

Silence surrounds me. The nurse-doctor stares at me, a smile slowly climbing his face. I’m not sure me hurting is something to smile over. Sadist.

“He just said that out loud,” Hugo says. “Right? You heard that? I didn’t make it up?”

I look at Hugo again, a little confused. He’s staring at me with uncertainty. Excitement. Apprehension .

“Yes,” I answer. “Why wouldn’t I say it out loud?”

I’m further confused when moisture fills his eyes. “You haven’t spoken in more than a week,” he explains.

“Oh.” Well, that’s… horrifying. “What have I been doing?”

“Laying in bed,” he answers. “Do you-do you remember me?”

That’s the first true understanding I get that something really bad happened to me. My breath catches as I stare at Hugo. How could I forget this man? I’ve been in love with him for ages. He’s mine. He’s finally mine. I sure as hell won’t forget that.

But my words are caught in my throat because he’s waiting for disappointment. I can see the hurt deep in his eyes. Sadness etched into the lines of his skin. He’s waiting for me to tell him I don’t know him.

Why, though?

I nod. “Yes. Of course, I do.”

He sucks in a sharp breath. “You do? From… earlier today?”

Earlier to… today? Oh, no. I don’t even remember earlier today. Jesus I don’t remember… Panic fills me as I stare at him.

“Shh,” he murmurs, pressing his face against mine. I feel his tears on my skin. His body shakes as he tries not to cry. I grip him as tightly as I can, taking a handful of his hair in my fist. “It’s okay. I’m right here. I’ll never leave you. You’re okay.”

His words are there, but nothing feels okay right now. I’m not remembering something, I just don’t know what it is. I have a terrifying feeling that I wasn’t remembering Hugo until now either.

“I love you,” I whisper. “In case I forget again, I want you to know that I love you.”

I feel his sobs throughout my whole body. I feel them in my bones. The pain and sorrow that I don’t quite understand—which in me feels like dread and fear.

“I love you too,” he says, voice shaking. “Even if you can’t remember me tomorrow or next week or in an hour. I love you. So much, Torin. I’m not going anywhere, I swear. I’m always going to be here. Every time you wake up. I promise.”

“You have hockey.”

He laughs through his tears and practically climbs on the bed to get closer. “You do remember.”

“I’m sorry I forgot. ”

Hugo shakes his head. He’s saying something. For a long time, I’m not sure what it is he’s saying. I can’t hear it clearly through either of our tears. But after a while, I hear his words. Over and over again, he’s saying I love you.

I grip him as tightly as I can, trying to get closer to him. I don’t care how much I hurt. How much my body aches or how badly my head throbs. I’ll never be able to get close enough to Hugo.

I’ll never forget you again, I promise him. I don’t dare say those words out loud, but I don’t care what else I forget, I will remember Hugo Bladen. My Hugo. The love of my life. I can’t forget him again.