Page 6

Chapter

Six

Ari

H e made a list.

I know how lists work. Lists have pros and cons on them. Mom had a list, too. Found it after she left. I never showed it to anyone. No one else needs to live through pain like that. It was her “should I stay or should I go” list.

There was a long list of pros. There was only one con. One. That’s what made it so scary.

You can have a hundred reasons to stay, but it only takes one to make you go.

It’s why the Meyer motto is to jump ship at a whiff of trouble. Leave before you get left.

I don’t look where I toss my bag down. It lands at the feet of Doug Abernathy. He’s not the most patient human alive.

“What the fuck, Meyer?” He kicks my bag out of his way, sitting on the bench to tape his socks.

“Sorry. I have shit on my mind.”

“I saw you hanging around that geeky kid. That what you have on your mind?”

Fire lights my hand. Oh, how I’d love to pound on him again for saying a single thing about Cody. But there’s something heavy on my chest and that heavy thing’s making it impossible for me to lift my arms. All my wind’s been sucked away. All my purpose. Punching Doug might shut his loud mouth for a second, but there would be nothing after that.

Because it’s all dark inside me.

But I’ve decided on something I’ll tell them later. This is my last game with this team. The other guys are all right, but Doug isn’t. It’s the right decision, but it only reminds me that one bad thing is all it takes. One bad thing to make someone leave. One bad thing can overshadow all the good things.

Chill air hits my face as I glide onto the freshly Zambonied ice. I shouldn’t look for Cody, but it’s the first thing I do, my gaze landing on the concession stand where he dutifully sits. Usually. But he’s not there.

Maybe he’s writing out his list.

They say “punch in the gut”, but this is a punch in the heart, stealing the life force from my limbs. No more blood going to them, oxygen, happiness, nothing. Just saggy bones hanging, dragging me down. If there was any chance I thought that what I felt for Cody was just a crush, that empty concession stand is a fucking metaphor for my existence without him.

But he makes lists.

Lists.

Fucking. Stupid. Family-wrecking. Lists.

I spin around and he’s there. All of them are there. Cody’s got Rachel in his lap. Merc waves at me, smiling for once in his miserable life. The boys stampede the stands, earning dirty glares from the other on-lookers.

Cody’s not at his concession stand because he chose to watch me instead. He’s never done this before.

Bea’s smug as fuck, using her eyes to point out what I can already see.

The darkness that had crawled under my skin fades away, releasing the strain weighing on my muscles. The ice becomes the most buoyant thing in the world, and I float over it. Hop, skip, and jump over it, leaping into the air. I almost fall on my face. I’m sure the kids will laugh at that.

Then I play hockey. I don’t think about lists, or leaving, or morons like Doug. Instead, my movements are dictated by heartbeats. By hearing one prickly voice in my head. By imagining what he looks like when his head’s thrown back, laughter pealing from his lungs.

I score a goal and fuck it; I blow Cody a kiss. Rachel catches it and sticks it to his face.

As soon as the game’s over, I walk up to the team’s organizer. “That was my last game,” I say.

“Your last…?” His eyes flick to Doug. He knows. Everybody knows. Nobody does shit about fucking Doug because he’s a good player. They don’t care enough about Cody, but I do. “We’ll talk later, Meyer.”

My shower is rushed, but I want to smell nice. I’m gonna sit with Cody in his concession stand. He’ll be working, I’ll be making a statement.

I’m too late by the time I make it to the concession stand. Rachel’s already with him. Yeah, there’s room for me, but my little sister being there says everything for me. I join my family at a table.

“You have competition,” Bea points out.

Cody smiles at her, but then he smiles at me. The smiles are completely different.

There’s no competition.

I t’s just me and Cody. He wouldn’t let me do anything, so I’m watching him put stuff away and lock up. He joins me at the table, reaching across, almost locking his hand with mine, pulling back then purposefully, finally, placing his hand on mine. It’s an ice block, so I use both of my oversized palms to cup it, willing my warmth to infuse with his skin. A chill runs through him.

“I hurt you. I’m sorry.”

Lists. People who make lists. Mom. Leaving. Cody makes lists, too.

I remember all that.

Every instinct wants to pull my hand away. I can’t bring myself to do it. What’s wrong with me? All I know is, instead of running from the tiger that wants to eat me, I’m placing myself in his damn mouth.

Not a tiger, Ari. Just Cody.

That’s worse. All a tiger can do is eat me. Cody can break my heart.

“It was … was nothing,” I force out, voice rasping as if I’m using the last of my oxygen.

“It was something. Any chance you’d tell me so I can never do it again?”

Does he mean that? He’d do that for me?

His teeth chatter.

“C’mon. I’ll drive you home.”

“My car’s here. How will I get to work tomorrow?”

I shrug. “Guess I’ll have to pick you up.” The longer I keep him with me, the longer we get until the goodbye comes.

His teeth chatter some more. “Kay.”

I have to heft my hockey bag onto my shoulder, but I don’t let go of his hand. “It’s gonna sound so dumb,” I say as we walk.

“Try me.”

“Lists are…” How do I say it? My mom made a list, too, and she’s been gone since I was eight. That’s too heavy. “Maybe you don’t make a list about us? Ever. ”

I toss my bag up and over. It lands in the bed of my truck with a heavy thuck sound. I open his door like a gentleman, then get in the truck, turn it over, and crank the heat for him. I’ll die of heat stroke, but he’ll be nice and cozy.

“I won’t, Ari. No lists. No lists about us. Lists about other things, are they okay?”

“Like what?”

“I dunno. Like a grocery list?”

“Fine.”

“Adventure goals?”

I crank a brow for his benefit. Because adventure? Him?

“I could. I would ,” he insists. “I want to go places. Someday.”

“Alright, I guess that kind of list is fine.”

“Deciding my next hobby?”

He almost gets a smile from me. “Is that something you do?”

“I like lists, Ari. I make a lot of lists.”

That heavy sensation sinks into my gut, stirring up the bile. Cody likes lists. He squeezes my hand.

“I’ll never make a list about you again,” he promises. “ Never. ”

We slip into the silence for a bit, nothing but the truck engine knocking and clunking. Might need a new fan belt by the sounds of it.

“Do you want to know what was on the list?”

So, so much. And. Not at all. “Okay.”

“I think you’re handsome, and before you tell me that’s superficial, I don’t find many people handsome, so that kind of stuff stands out for me.”

Keeping my eyes on the road, I bring his knuckles to my lips and press a kiss to them.

“And just who else are you calling handsome but me?” I tease.

“No one,” he lies. “Okay, fine. Kevin Bieksa.”

“Kevin Bieksa’s hot as sin. Guess I can let that one go.” Kevin Bieksa’s one of the finest professional hockey players ever to grace the ice. “Is he handsomer than me?”

“Never.” Cody smiles. “But wait, there’s more than just handsome.”

He goes on to tell me things, like, how warm and safe he feels with me. The way I make his heart speed up and slow down. How his body tingles like fizz when I touch him.

“And I suppose I can’t say that I know a lot about you, yet, but I know you’re a good man, one I’d like to get to know. I know that you …” His voice falters. “Doug.”

“Doug,” I repeat.

“You stuck up for me. I liked you before that, but then you stuck up for me. Nobody’s ever done that for me before, well, except my parents, but they don’t count.”

I pull into the driveway of his parents’ house and kill the engine. I turn to face him, trying to read the rainbow flash of expressions coloring his eyes.

“What’s your con?” I don’t say cons. There only needs to be one.

“Mostly your friends. They’re assholes, Ari. Or, well, Doug is. I can’t say I know the rest of them, but they let Doug be an asshole. I didn’t know if I’d be able to handle that in the long run.”

“I quit the team. Tonight. Because of Doug.”

“What? Ari, you shouldn’t have done that for?—”

“I did it because it was the right thing to do.” And because, one of these days, I wasn’t going to stop at a couple of punches. It was better that I remove myself.

“Then there is no con. Not about you.”

Maybe that con has been removed, but a new one could show up. He could decide that I’m not enough to handle in the long run.

Fuck, why did I start this thing with Cody? I might not be a relationship expert, but I know that’s how relationships work. You can only try. Things might not work. Hence why I’ve avoided a real relationship like the plague.

But then, Cody.

His pretty brown eyes. His shy disposition. His six hundred and eighty-two facts about the damage sugar inflicts on our arteries.

Something unnamable pulls me to him.

I had to have him.

“Do you want to know why I made the list?” he says.

“Yes.”

“Because I’m terrified. I want this. I want you. But a relationship is the equivalent of a vat of angry vipers to a guy like me. The list was meant to talk me out of it.”

He’s scared, too? I mean, I get that Cody is a timid guy in a lot of ways, but he’s also not. He’s always so sure of himself. Most would cower from a guy like Doug, but he never has, even though it cost him.

When he breathes there’s a visible puff of air. Now that the truck’s off, so is the heat.

“We should get you inside,” I say.

He nods. “In a minute. I want to finish this. No matter what I put on my list to convince myself to tell you to fuck off, I couldn’t.”

“There were other things?”

“A few. They never lasted. I mentally erased them and tried to replace them with new things.”

Awesome. My worst fear come to life.

“But that’s my whole point, Ari. Nothing chases me away from you. Nothing. If something did, I’m not for you.”

“But you said nothing did.”

“I did.”

“Soooo it must mean you’re for me.”

He bites his lip, nodding.

Something else could show up on the list tomorrow, a voice hisses from the darkness.

It could.

“You said there aren’t any cons left about me. What are the other cons about?”

“They’re about me.” His bottom lip trembles. “I’m so fucking worried you’re gonna wake up and see what everyone else saw. I don’t even know what I did to make them hate me so much, but it’s gotta be something. I used to think I could find it and get rid of it, but after a lot of searching, I never found anything. So I blamed teenage high school idiots, but I’m not in high school anymore. The Dougs of the world seem to find me anyway.”

My heart fractures. A lone tear snakes down my cheek. He wipes it away with his thumb.

The list wasn’t about me at all. It was about his fears. Fears too dark to deal with, so he made a list to convince himself to retreat again so he wouldn’t hurt again.

Maybe it was the same for Mom, too. Maybe one con was all it took because her fears were mighty.

Cody’s teeth chatter.

“We need to get you inside,” I repeat.

“Okay, but you’re coming with me.”