Page 13 of Miss Debenham’s Secret (The Husband Hunters Club)

Chapter thirteen

C HAPTER THIRTEEN

Clarissa read the details of the Amazonian’s dramatic encounter in the newspaper, her eyes wide, and a chewed fingernail between her teeth. She’d read it many times already and it was old news, really, but she kept hoping she’d missed something. Some mention of him.

Alistair’s ship had fought hard and although they had won the battle, coming away heroes, there was no further news about casualties or deaths.

She prayed he was all right. Lieutenants, as he had told her once, were always in the thick of things, on the gun deck, giving the orders to the gunners.

The gun deck was a dangerous place and she didn’t dare to think he might be injured.

Or worse.

Her heart fluttered wildly when she thought of ‘worse’.

She tried to concentrate on her teaching, that was the only way she could keep her mind from dwelling on dire possibilities, but sometimes she couldn’t help herself.

Now the day they had capsized in their sailing boat seemed somehow a prophesy of things to come, which was very silly, and so Alistair would tell her next time he wrote.

She missed him terribly, but she’d rather miss him than lose him altogether.

“Clarissa, that is an appalling habit.”

Guiltily she removed her fingernails from her mouth. “Sorry, Father.”

“What are you reading that is so compelling?”

“The story about Alistair’s ship in action, Father.”

He nodded but said nothing. He still hadn’t forgiven Alistair and Clarissa knew he blamed him for making her far more assertive than she used to be.

She rather thought her father was afraid that one day she would up and leave him to manage for himself in his old age.

He’d probably blame Alistair for that, too.

“I must go,” she said, carefully placing the newspaper in a drawer for next time. “The students will be arriving soon and I haven’t put out the slates or written up the lessons.”

He shot her a look and for some reason she thought he appeared guilty. “I have an old grammar school friend coming for a visit today,” he said, as if it were of little consequence. “You needn’t come home for lunch, Clarissa. I will manage. I’d rather you didn’t interrupt us.”

He was acting strangely but Clarissa was too busy thinking about Alistair to give it much thought as she hurried away.

***

Debenham opened the door to the knock. He was prepared for this visit and he knew what to say, but nevertheless he was shocked when he saw his visitor, and felt a momentary inability to speak.

He’d made Clarissa believe it was an old friend but he’d lied, to spare her feelings, he told himself self-righteously.

This was all for Clarissa’s sake and nothing to do with his fears for his own lonely old age.

In fact the man who was visiting him today was Lieutenant Alistair McKay.

The young man had gone off to sea hale and hearty and he’d returned a cripple. He walked with the aid of crutches because half his leg had been sawn off, and there was a rather ugly scar on his face too.

“Come in then,” he said gruffly, and turned away so he wouldn’t have to watch the chap struggling through the doorway and into the parlour.

He waited until Alistair had sat himself down, with some awkwardness, and offered him tea.

“I won’t stay for refreshments,” Alistair said quietly, and there was no lurking smile in his eyes, as there used to be. Alistair was not only changed outwardly, physically, but inwardly too.

“I am here to talk to you about Clarissa,” he said with quiet determination.

Mr. Debenham had thought as much. It was why he had made certain his daughter would not be present at this interview.

“Clarissa is doing very well at the school,” he said quickly. “She is in charge now that Mr. Marly has taken a position at my old grammar school. She seems to have a real aptitude for the work.”

Alistair gave a ghost of his old smile. “I’m glad to hear it. I’m glad she is doing well. Is she happy, do you think?”

“Of course.”

“I had planned, when I returned, to ask her to marry me. I didn’t know it myself until I sailed away, but I think you did, didn’t you, Mr. Debenham?”

Debenham frowned and nodded slowly. “I did, and I didn’t approve although I suppose I would have allowed it, seeing Mr. Marly has gone off.

But surely you don’t still intend to do so?

” he asked, shocked. “You are a cripple, sir. You can’t mean to burden my poor daughter?

And what of her work at the school? She is doing so well; you can’t surely expect her to give up all of that to live in poverty with a cripple? ”

The words were probably rather harsh but Debenham refused to allow sentiment to interfere. They must be said.

The man was looking down, his hand closing and unclosing on one of his crutches. He seemed to be labouring under some intense emotion. When he finally lifted his head he was paler even than before, the scar standing out like fiery red, but he looked as if he had come to a difficult decision.

“You’re right, of course. I cannot marry her now. It would be unfair to burden her. But I fear if she knew I was injured she would come to me whatever you or I said to the contrary.”

Debenham grunted in agreement. Since his daughter had made the acquaintance of McKay she had become extremely wilful.

“Then you must write to her and tell her you have met someone else,” he said.

“The pain will be sharp at first, but it will fade, and it is better for her to suffer now, briefly, than to spend her whole life mourning. I’m afraid Clarissa is the sort to form a tragic attachment to your memory,” he added with distaste, forgetting he had done the same thing with his dead wife.

“Yes,” Alistair nodded. “You are right. A small lie is better than letting her continue to hope.”

Alistair struggled to his feet again and Debenham looked away uncomfortably.

Once at the door he held out his hand and his eyes stared into the older man’s, to an almost unnerving degree.

“I will leave you then, Mr. Debenham. Please, look after Clarissa. She is a treasure, and I don’t think you quite realise how lucky you are. ”

And he was gone.

Debenham shut the door and didn’t watch him depart. He was relieved that the matter had been dealt with so easily, and now they could be comfortable again. And yet there was a niggling sense of guilt when he remembered the expression in the man’s eyes.

Pain and sadness, almost as if his life was over now.

He shook his head. Lives did not end because hearts were broken. He knew that well enough himself. No, this was for the best and he refused to believe it could have ended otherwise.

***

Alistair stood on the Cobb and stared at the sea. He’d wished many times since he lost his leg that he could have died that day, that he might have been taken as a whole man, and not left as a cripple.

But such thoughts seemed ungrateful to the doctors who had sweated to save him, and the kindness of those at the naval hospital who had helped him to learn to walk again. At least he had enough savings to keep him from penury, no matter what Debenham seemed to think.

He could have kept himself and Clarissa quite nicely, and there was talk of a job with his uncle in the country, helping to run the estate.

“You don’t need legs to give orders!” the man had said, when Alistair explained the situation.

Perhaps his uncle felt some guilt, as he was the one who had bought Alistair his commission in the navy.

But there was more to marrying Clarissa than being comfortably off. Debenham was right there, as much as Alistair loathed the man. He could not burden Clarissa with a cripple for a husband, not when she was working at a job she loved and making her own way in the world. It wouldn’t be fair.

She would probably come to resent him and he would come to hate himself for causing her to do so. They would end up just like his parents, and the very thought of it made him even more certain he was doing the right thing.

It was just as well he’d given her no sign that he meant to come home and marry her. Quite the opposite in fact. He’d struggled so hard to hide his love from her, and himself, that she could never have guessed the depth of his true feelings.

No, far better to do as Debenham suggested and write a lie to her, a quick cut that might sting for a while but would heal relatively quickly and allow her to get on with her own life. She’d meet someone else. How could any man not want her?

He tried not to let that hurt him, but it did. The pain was so great that he swayed and only just caught his balance. The swirling water looked inviting but he wasn’t a coward. He would not end it here, not when he had come through so much.

His mouth tight, Alistair made his way back to shore.

***

A week later Clarissa hurried home from school, hoping as she did every day there would be some news. A letter. And this time there was. The letter was waiting for her and Clarissa clutched it to her breast and hurried upstairs to read it.

She felt anxious. Annie had said something strange to her when she came for her lessons and she couldn’t shift it from her mind.

Annie claimed she had been walking by the Cobb a week past and had seen Alistair standing on the far end of the wall, staring out to sea.

“Only it couldn’t have been him, because this man was injured.

He’d lost a leg and was on crutches. I would have gone to speak to him, but he was too far away and I was late. ”

Clarissa agreed that it could not be him, and yet the words played with her mind, niggled at her fears.

With shaking hands she now tore the letter open and her eyes feasted on his familiar writing.

But as she read on the words seemed to blur and she blinked and read them again. ‘Will be marrying very soon . . . know as my friend you will be very happy for me . . . will always treasure our time together . . .’

He was marrying someone else. He wasn’t coming back to her.

After she’d sobbed into her pillow she wiped her eyes and tried to pull herself together. He’d never said he would marry her, it was true. He had never promised her anything, and yet she had believed . . . hoped . . . and now there was nothing.

At the end of the letter he’d wished her well and hoped she would soon find someone to give her as much happiness as he had found himself.

Clarissa shook her head. She would never marry. Alistair had been the man she loved, the only man, and there would never be anyone else. Teaching was her love now and she would make it the most important thing in her life. The only thing in her life.

Downstairs she set to work on supper, her eyes swollen and red, her face chalk white. Her father didn’t seem to notice anything wrong, and she was glad not to answer any questions.

Clarissa vowed to herself she would never speak of Alistair again.