Page 26 of Maybe (Mis-shapes #1)

Disguising it as a scratch, he tugged at the hair behind his ear. “I’m jacking it in, by the way. I’ll… I’ll do it properly next time, if I don’t.” He tossed the hair away. “Just Lego soldiers, boys. Remember that. We owe them nothing.”

“Luke,” Alaric began, throwing me an anxious look. “Have you thought about?—“

“I’ve listened to enough helpful advice, thanks, mate.” Luke’s fists scrunched into tight balls. He flashed Alaric a glare. “Don’t worry—I’m sane. I can do my nights, treat the patients properly. It might kill me, but I’m not going to kill anyone else.”

That was not terribly reassuring. “Surely if you asked occupational health to—“ Alaric tried again.

“I’ve handed in my notice, and then I’m going to sign up for some locums for a while, for cash.

Then maybe I’ll go and work in Oz for a bit.

” He took a deep breath. “Did you know, not a single senior colleague or manager contacted me when I was off sick to see if I was okay? And I’ve come back to a bunch of emails telling me they’re adding three months to my training because I missed a two-day compulsory course on breaking bad news.

” He tossed out a shaky laugh. “Being an inpatient on a psych ward, juggling my own fucking bad news, isn’t a good enough excuse, apparently.

And it’s ironic, is it not, how they broke that shitty news to me, like, really badly and by email? ”

“Oh Christ,” Alaric breathed.

“Sorry, mate,” I mumbled inadequately.

“Yeah, well. Me too.” Luke ran a wobbly hand over his bare crown. “They don’t tell you about this shit at the school careers fair when you’re eighteen, do they?”

What could you say to that? The guy was one of the smartest doctors I knew, and yet the system was prepared to piss him away. What a fucking waste.

I stared dumbly into space whilst Alaric sucked even harder on his vape. In his softer, 'breaking bad news' voice, he managed to come up with the things I should have said while Luke tolerated hearing it and viciously plucked at a clump of hair behind his other ear.

When Alaric finally ran out of platitudes, I filled my lungs with stale strawberry air. “Sometimes I fantasise about giving up surgery.” I felt strange, like I might retch. Where the hell did that idea spring from?

“Yeah?” I could smell Alaric’s strawberry-imbued scepticism from across the room. Ezra’s words came flooding back. “I know everyone expects me to follow my dad, but my future isn’t a fucking football for anyone else to kick around, you know?”

“Yeah, but… Most people fail the exam at the first sitting. Just ‘cos you failed it once doesn’t mean you should ditch the lot and take up crochet.”

“I could take up ED, though,” I countered. “Or geriatrics. You said yourself I was good with people.”

Jack of all trades. Nothing to be ashamed of in that, as Ezra had explained. God, how the hell did thoughts of him manage to squeeze into everything?

“Don’t worry. I’m still going to resit it, though,” I qualified. “And then I can decide what I want to do afterwards.”

Alaric laughed nervously. “Hope this room ain’t bugged, mate.

Mustard will have a coronary if he hears you.

” He walked over to the kitchen area, dragging a plastic chair with him.

“You’re the great white hope, darling.” He positioned the chair beneath the smoke alarm.

“If you can’t hack it, what hope is there for the rest of us? ”

Despite his private vendetta against the management, Alaric would be fine.

Bad systems beat down ordinary people like me and Luke, not rebellious survivors like him.

He stepped on the chair and took a big toke on his vape, filling his lungs with strawberry flavoured toxins.

Then he blew it out, in a thick steamy gust, all over the smoke alarm.

A second later, an insistent bing ding bing ding rang out down the corridor outside the staff room, followed by the slamming of consecutive fire doors.

“Oh dear.” Pocketing his vape, Alaric skipped down from the chair. “The toaster must be on the blink again.”

After saying goodbye to Luke, we made our way back to the wards. “He’s a fucking state, isn’t he?” Alaric murmured. “Even worse than I expected him to be.”

“Should we tell someone?” Was Luke really safe to be let loose on patients?

“Like who?” Alaric shrugged. “Talk about turkeys voting for Christmas. If he doesn’t do this weekend of nights, they’ll get yours truly to do them instead, and then I’ll be a gibbering wreck too.”

“Luke should serve as a warning to us,” I stated, still with bloody Ezra’s wise words pinging through my brain.

“Yes,” Alaric agreed. “One hundred percent.”

Warming to my theme, I picked up the pace. “We need to take every opportunity to get away from this place when we can.” Opportunities that didn’t involve snogging my brother.

“Absolutely,” Alaric agreed again.

I balled my fists. “We need to stop all these extra shifts. We need to learn to say no.”

“Couldn’t agree more. Well said and thanks for the TED talk, sweetie. But let’s start that tomorrow, yeah? I’ve already agreed to stay late tonight.”

When Alaric peeled off, I texted Gerald and invited him over.

Fundamentally, he was a nice guy and deserved a chance.

Not to mention I didn’t have much in the way of options for my time outside the hospital.

Once this bloody exam was over and I’d made some life choices, I should start reading the books Gerald had recommended.

Join a film club or something. Make time for the gym somehow.

Learn to fly. Fly away. Before I ended up like Luke.