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MARLOWE

Eight years ago

M y cheeks were warm from the late summer air and alcohol, and I lay back on the cool, nylon sleeping bag, watching the night sky spin in lazy circles above me.

Out here, away from the light pollution of the city, you could actually see the stars, and in my inebriated state, I attempted to find the few constellations I knew.

The Big Dipper was always easy to spot, and I was pretty sure I could make out Cygnus too—its long, cross-shaped body flying through the heavens.

Music and conversations waned around me, and I traced the plumes of smoke and the occasional spark from the small campfire with my eyes as they floated up and disappeared.

My group of friends from high school had decided to camp out here together at Emma’s house on Pewaukee Lake—one last hurrah for the summer and our childhoods before we all scattered like dandelion seeds in the wind.

Instead of enjoying the group camaraderie, however, quite a few people had decided to take the opportunity to hook up inside.

There were only a few of us still left out in the yard, either by choice or by lack of options.

I was out here by choice. Tyler had been hinting ever since prom that he’d been wanting to hook up before we left for college, and tonight he’d finally said it plainly—a last-ditch effort to bring four years of mild flirting to fruition .

I might have said yes—I’d flirted with Tyler for good reason, after all.

But I just couldn’t muster up the interest. I was still adjusting to the new birth control pills my mom had gotten me, and my libido was all over the place.

Some days I felt like I could have slept with the whole football team, which…

ew, gross. But others, I would’ve turned down Harry Styles himself if he’d shown up at my door.

Today I was definitely leaning toward the latter, which ended up being a blessing since once Tyler realized I was officially a dead end, he quickly moved onto Sarah, who happily grabbed him by the hand and snagged one of the few remaining bedrooms.

Whatever.

She’d also struck out that night with her first choice—my twin brother—and needed someone to lick her wounds among other things from the sting of Ezra’s rejection.

Tyler and Sarah, rebounding with each other to recover from their double Linden losses. I laughed to myself, and turned my head to make some stupid comment about it to Ezra when I realized he wasn’t one of the holdouts passing out around the campfire.

Wait… had he gone inside with someone?

That would be the news of the night, because while I had been quite liberal with my sexuality for the past two years, Ezra had left high school with his virginity mysteriously intact.

Ezra was my opposite in a lot of ways. I was short—five- foot-three on a good day, and ranked second in my class. I’d played the clarinet in band, had been the star of my debate club, and was heading to UW-Madison next week on a full-ride scholarship.

Ezra, meanwhile, was six-foot-four and still growing. He had been the captain of every single sport he’d played, and considering the interest he’d gotten from football, basketball, and baseball scouting agents, he probably could’ve gotten into any university of his choice.

He also could have gone out with any of the girls, and probably some of the guys, too, of his choice, but he’d remained celibate for reasons he’d never told me.

We weren’t religious, and he wasn’t a romantic saving himself for true love or anything like that.

Whenever I’d bring it up, he’d just grumble that it was none of my business and walk away.

Regardless of his reasons, it seemed to have coincided with his general moodiness and temper that had only worsened in the past few years. While I was, as my mom tearfully put it recently, “ blossoming into a confident, bright young woman,” Ezra had become more inward and unsure of himself.

But he was at least very aware of his turbulent head space and aggressive mood swings, and instead of rushing off to college, he’d been saving money from his part-time job so he could take a gap year to travel the world and, hopefully, discover himself.

Or at the very least come back less of a raging, hormonal douche bag.

And if he didn’t? Oh well. He was still my brother, and I’d always love him.

I sat up and looked around. If he wasn’t outside, did that mean that maybe he’d finally decided to lose his V-card? He was leaving tomorrow, so tonight would have been a good chance to symbolically take that first step towards a new life.

A large, familiar shape sitting alone by the lake told me otherwise. I got up, waited for my eyes to focus, and then slowly staggered over.

“Incoming!” I cried, falling onto his back and hanging off his neck.

He grunted softly and didn’t move, my weight barely affecting him.

“I’m only letting this pass since I won’t see you for a year.

” I rolled off him, trying and failing multiple times to regain my balance until he finally stuck his joint between his teeth, picking me up with both hands and setting me up next to him on the log.

He chuckled, inhaling deeply and then releasing a pungent cloud once I was still. “Pathetic.”

“Whatever, you love me,” I replied, holding my hand out expectantly. He took another hit and then passed it.

He coughed as he exhaled. “Sure, bitch.”

I bumped into him with my shoulder. “Jerk.”

We sat in silence, listening to the soft waves of the lake hit the shore and watching the reflection of the crescent moon on its rippled surface.

“Do you ever wonder if Dad’s watching the sky at the same time as us?” I whispered, passing the joint back.

I thought I’d made peace with his absence years ago, but high school graduation and the start of college were real pivotal moments in a person’s life, and overhearing my friends talking about their dads helping them move into their dorms was making the male-parental-figure-shaped hole in my life harder to ignore.

“Fuck Dad,” Ezra spit. “And fuck Mom, too. ”

I sighed. Ever since Ezra had hit puberty, something in him had changed and he’d decided that he hated Mom.

Everything she did and said was wrong, and they fought constantly.

He used to find her little quirks funny, like how she’d speak like she was from a Jane Austen novel when she was tired or tipsy, or how she would get frustrated with modern technology.

But now he’d just insult and berate her.

Mom put on a brave face most of the time but I knew it was killing her that she and Ezra weren’t close anymore. He used to be a real mama’s boy.

“You need to get over this,” I said. “Mom’s done nothing but try her best for us.”

What could I say? I was still very much a mama’s girl, myself.

Ezra scoffed and shook his head. “You don’t know her like I do, Mar. She’s kept shit from us. She’s lied to us. It’s because of her I can’t even…” he stopped himself, taking a deep breath and turning to look out over the water. “Never mind.”

This again. This weird, angsty secret he couldn’t tell me. “Can’t what ? What is it that’s made you so mad at her? I just want to understand, because without knowing what you’re talking about, it just makes you seem like an overreacting asshole.”

We’d both stopped smoking at that point, so he put out the light and then placed the half-finished joint into an empty Altoids tin, handing it to me. “Here. I can’t exactly take this with me tomorrow. I have more in my desk you’re free to use as well.”

I refused to take it, crossing my arms and looking at him until he shrugged and put it in his pocket. “Suit yourself.”

“Quit deflecting. It’s now or never. Tell me exactly what Mom did or said to you.”

He looked down at his feet, nudging a small rock with the toe of his boot. “It’s not that I don’t want you to know, it’s just that… you wouldn’t get it. I’m not normal.”

I rolled my eyes so hard they nearly stuck. “Uh, newsflash— no one’s normal. We’re all just doing our best to play along and hope no one notices.”

Fireflies drifted by, their green lights slowly pulsing, calling out into the void in search of a mate to share the darkness. One flew close by, and I reached out my hand in the hopes it might land on me.

But my depth perception was off from the alcohol and weed, and it avoided me easily, going on its merry way .

“Well, I’m especially not normal,” he finally said. “At least you can date people.”

My attention drew back to Ezra. “What the hell are you talking about? Do you have any idea how many awkward conversations I’ve had to hear from girls thirsting over you, talking about how big they think your dick is?

Dude, you could have dated half the school if you’d wanted to.

I mean, hello, Sarah much?” I asked, pointing towards the house.

He clicked his tongue against his teeth. “No, I really couldn’t have. I’m a freak, and it’s all Mom and Dad’s fault.”

Freak? I mean yeah, he was freakishly tall. And he growled more than the neighbor’s Rottweiler when he was ticked off. But otherwise, he was just my brother. “What? Is it like… too small? Oh my god, Ez, do you have a micropenis?”

I brought my hand in front of me and squished my thumb and forefinger together, my eyes crossing as I tried to focus. “Like this?”

Ezra laughed. “Jesus, you’re dumb. How the hell did you get into college?”

I shrugged, still trying to get my fingers to work.

“Not that it matters anyway,” he continued, running his hand down his face. “I’m leaving tomorrow, and I’m going to find people like me. People who will get it.”

I stretched and yawned, feeling my back crack. “I’m sure there’s a micropenis subreddit you could just join. Seems way easier and cheaper, if you ask me.”

He ignored my joke. “You really don’t feel it? Like we’re different from other people? Like there’s something buried inside you waiting to just burst out?”

“Like Alien -style?” I laughed. I mimicked the classic scene with my hand, pretending to have it come out of my chest while mock screaming.

“No, idiot, I’m being serious right now.”

I took some deep breaths to quell the giggles and tried to concentrate on his question. My mind was a little cloudy, and honestly, I’d never felt different in the way Ezra was describing.

I’d felt myself changing and growing up in recent years, but it was the same way all teenage girls felt once boys and, gag , grown-ass men, noticed their boobs coming in.

It had ramped up a lot over the past few years, especially since mine were a bit large for my smaller frame.

And every once in a while, some giant creep would get really close and try to sniff me.

But Ezra was a great guard dog and would always scare them off.

A few weeks ago, the last time it’d happened, he nearly bit my head off once we’d gotten home, screaming that I needed to stop wearing perfume. Like it had been my fault in some way, as though I was deliberately trying to lure these guys in.

Mom had overheard our fight and stepped in to defend me, and then the two of them really got into it, with Ezra yelling so loudly I was afraid the neighbors would call the cops.

And the weirdest thing? I didn’t even wear perfume.

I leaned over and rested my head on his bicep, breathing him in. He didn’t wear any kind of scents, either, but I’d always liked the way he smelled. It calmed me, kept me grounded.

“Maybe this trip will be good for you, then,” I finally admitted. “I really hate seeing you so unsure about yourself. I’m going to miss you like hell, though.”

He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and brought me in closer, giving me a noogie. “Gonna miss you, too. ”