Page 28 of Marry in Haste (The Vaughns #2)

T urning to look at him, Joanna waited as he sorted through his words.

“Hearing you say you regretted our marriage—” he began, and before she could protest, Edward held up his hand. With shoulders dropping, he stared at the rug. “Hearing you say that you wouldn’t have married me pricked my pride. I thought I was doing the right thing by protecting you, and even though things aren’t perfect between us, it made me happy to know that I had been able to rescue you from disgrace. To hear you dismiss it…”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” she said with a shake of her head. “I am honored and touched that you married me—even if it wasn’t the way I wished for it to take place. This whole mess wasn’t your doing, but you chose to protect me not only from society but from Mr. Bell, who would’ve made a dreadful husband.”

Slanting a look at him, she added with an arched brow, “Though I don’t know if I should be offended that you and Mr. Bell thought I would’ve simply swapped grooms without a word of protest. No amount of enticements would’ve convinced me to marry Mr. Bell.”

Edward gave a halting huff of a chuckle. “Wise woman.”

Yet even that tidbit of levity crumbled into nothing as Joanna considered her words. Forcing her throat to clear, she added, “Do you know how painful it has been for me to think you’ve wasted your chance to find a loving marriage because of an obligation? I never want to be your regret, Edward. I have enough of that in my life already.”

Giving her a questioning raise of his brows, he lifted his arm as though to place it around her, but only when Joanna nodded did he settle it on her shoulders.

“Most of my regrets revolve around the fact that I dragged you into this situation—none of which was of your own making,” he said in a heavy tone. “My friends were behind that horrid prank. My bull-headedness forged ahead without ever seeking your opinion on the matter. It was my insistence that had us marrying so quickly, rather than taking time to sort out the mess.”

Pausing, he considered that before adding, “Though the more I think about that time, the more I realize how much your aunt manipulated me into not talking to you. No doubt she realized the ruse would fall apart if we did. I don’t understand how she could be so selfish. Especially with her own niece.”

Wincing, Joanna glanced at him. “I think that is my doing, Edward. Yes, she foisted me off on you, but she knew how much I hoped we would marry someday. My foolish dreams planted the idea in her head, and I do think that she thought it would make me happy.”

Joanna’s shoulders fell. “The truth is that this mess is as much my fault. You say I put words in your mouth, and it is true, though not in the way you think. You never gave me any sign you cared for me, yet I have inferred and imagined, making more of your actions than you ever intended. So, if my heart was broken, then it was my own doing, and it isn’t right for me to make you bear the consequences.”

*

With each confession, Eddie’s heart twisted in his chest for the poor neglected child who had grown into the woman who so desperately wanted someone to love her, and though he had hoped and prayed for many things in his life, never had he yearned for anything more than to give her that. The more he came to know her, the more he liked the lady at his side, yet admiration wasn’t what she desired.

Holding fast to her, he longed for comforting words, but his mind drew a blank as he considered all that had happened between them.

“Can we be friends?” she asked, turning bright eyes to his, pleading for it with all the feeling of her tender heart. “I do not know how things got so mangled yesterday, but that was all I was asking for.”

“I have always thought of us as friends, Joanna.”

Being so close together, he couldn’t miss the flinch that had her eyes dimming and turning to the floor, but before he could say anything, she shook her head and waved him off.

“Ignore me, Edward. I fear it will take some time before my silly little heart is willing to fully accept the truth for what it is, although you’ve never done anything to raise those expectations. And that is the precise issue.”

Joanna turned toward him, her brows pinching together. “My heart isn’t to be trusted. It twists everything to feed that fantasy, and even knowing you are just playacting to protect our secret won’t stop me from building great castles in the sky, only to have them come crashing down again and again.”

The tell-tale crimson filled her cheeks as a spark of humor lit her eyes. “At the Fletchers’ picnic some years ago, you plucked a wildflower during a conversation—I don’t recall why you did it, just that you did. But you handed it to me—simply handed, not gave in some grand manner—and I took that little chrysanthemum home. I pressed it in one of my books, and it is still there.”

Despite stumbling over her confession, Eddie found himself straightening at the thought. He didn’t recall the moment by any means, though it didn’t surprise him that she had done that very thing, knowing her as he did. But while she clearly viewed it as the height of embarrassment, Eddie couldn’t help feeling a flutter of pleasure at the thought of her pining for him.

Perhaps that was part of his trouble. Though he’d never cared for her subservient adoration, a man couldn’t help but be puffed up when he was the object of so much worship, and having it withdrawn now wasn’t pleasant. And Eddie cringed at that selfishness.

“Do you regret it?” she whispered.

There was no need to ask what “it” was, for that question had plagued him for the last several hours, and despite everything, Eddie knew his answer.

“Not at all,” he said, his arm squeezing around her. “Yes, the past few hours have been difficult, and there have certainly been bumps and bruises along the way, but not only do I enjoy your company more and more each day, I find that I like being a husband. I like having someone to provide for. To support.”

Pausing, he tried to select his words carefully as he added, “I like being useful and needed, and you make me feel like I am both.”

They were not the words of a lovesick man, but he felt them to his core. Joanna was not the woman he would’ve chosen for himself, but he couldn’t regret their time together because it had blessed his life in many ways.

But her question brought his own to his thoughts, and though Eddie didn’t wish to ask it, he dreaded the uncertainty more.

“Do you regret it?”

Joanna sat silently for several long moments—far too many of them—and with each heartbeat, Eddie’s pulse quickened, his arm going slack around her. Straightening, she turned those blue eyes on him once more, and though it wasn’t an eloquent answer, it rang with conviction.

“No.” She paused again, her gaze falling away as she whispered, “This is the happiest I’ve ever been. I have family and friends who care for me and enjoy my company. I am blessed.”

But there was a hollowness to the words. Not that Eddie doubted the sincerity with which she spoke, for it was clear that Joanna truly believed them. It was a sentiment he recognized all too well. When one’s life was filled with so many gifts, how was one to ask for more?

“Though I am loath to broach the subject again,” she said in a voice that held a hint of the fragile creature he’d known for so many years, “I do hope you understand why I am asking that we cease pretending to be what we are not.”

Straightening, she shifted out of his hold. “Friendly displays are one thing, but I cannot bear to playact as though we feel something we do not. No matter how firm I am in my resolve, I am bound to start hoping for something you cannot give.”

“And for my sake, I would appreciate it if we kept up the pretense,” he said, adopting her careful tone; yesterday had proven how quickly matters could spiral out of their control.

“Even if your family discovers the truth, it won’t taint their opinion of you,” she said, squeezing his knee.

Eddie stared at her for a long moment, though he didn’t know why it was still so surprising that she saw right to the heart of the matter. Shaking that off, he sighed.

“Not only was I galivanting about London, rather than doing my work at home—”

“You were attending lectures to learn of the advancements taking place in your field,” said Joanna with a frown.

But Eddie continued, “I surrounded myself with just the sort of people my parents despise. I knew they weren’t good influences, but they were amusing, so I tolerated all the selfish things they did, ignoring my better judgment—”

“Just as Sadie and I have done, yet your parents do not condemn us.”

Eddie sighed. She didn’t understand, and he didn’t know how to explain it; the pressure in his chest built to untenable levels, forcing him to wait until he was certain he could speak.

“You are not your uncle Isaac,” she said, her expression filling with concern as her eyes delved deep into him. Eddie’s brows rose at that, and Joanna hemmed for a moment. “I have heard your family speak of him from time to time, and though it is clear that you share some similarities, Mother’s fears are founded in her own history with her brother, not you.”

Eddie hardly dared to hope, though his heart skipped as she continued.

“You are a good man, Edward Vaughn. You aren’t careless or selfish. You aren’t reckless with others, nor do you neglect your responsibilities. As far as I can tell, the only thing you have in common with your uncle is a propensity for being social and having a light-hearted temperament—which isn’t any true indication, as that is only in comparison to the rest of your family, who are good people but are generally solitary and quiet.”

Hardly able to do more than gape at her, Eddie struggled to know what to say to that. Habit wanted to deny it, but Joanna spoke with the conviction of one who would not be put off.

“Why do you believe in me so fully?” he asked in an awed whisper. “I have never understood why, yet time and time again, you make me feel as though I am far better than I am.”

“I could say the same of you, Edward,” she said with a smile. “I am honored to be your wife.”

“And I am honored to be your husband,” he echoed.

“So, can we just be friends?” she asked. “We needn’t be cold or distant. Just avoid the pretense—that is all—and it isn’t as though we were doing much of that before. Whatever rumors are out there will die down eventually, and if they don’t, what harm can they do? Ours is hardly the first of such marriages.”

Eddie paused to consider that. Though his fears still clung to him, her confidence coursed through him, making it difficult to justify them any longer.

“Do we truly wish to shut that door?” he asked.

Joanna’s brows furrowed. “What door?”

Shifting in his seat, Eddie struggled with the words. “If we act as though we are nothing but friends, how will anything more ever come of it? It’s not as though hearts are set in stone—”

With a jerk, Joanna rose from the bed, shaking her head. “Please do not say that, Edward. I cannot allow myself to think such things. I have spent years of my life clinging to those beliefs, and it is best we simply accept what we have rather than fight about what will likely never be.”

“You do not know—”

“No,” she said, holding up her hands and stepping away from him. “We have known each other for years and been married for months. If you do not love me now, you never will. So there is no need to speak of ‘doors.’ The only way I can be happy is if I erase that possibility from my mind because I cannot bear to have another person in my life who doesn’t return my feelings. I cannot live being rejected again and again, Edward. I cannot. Please do not ask that of me!”

And with that, Joanna fled once more. The door didn’t slam behind her, but the sounds of her stifled tears lingered in his ears.