Page 22 of Marquess of Winter (The Wild Brides #3)

CHAPTER 22

" A llan, you walk as if your boots were filled with lead," Seth complained. "You are going to scare all the game away. Every deer in the forest probably knows we're here already."

"Well, if they do know we're here, it's because you speak so loudly, not because of the way I walk," Allan said. "Honestly, I didn't have to even come out into the woods to spend time with you. I could have stayed at home and carried on a conversation with you just as easily, because I'm sure I could have heard you from there."

"I do wish you two would stop your squabbling," Matthew said. "How either one of my sisters tolerates this is beyond me."

Allan laughed. "Surely you know Edwina well enough to know that she enjoys a good argument," he said, cuffing Matthew on the shoulder. "I daresay matching wits with me is one of her favorite things to do. She would never have been happy married to someone who was not her intellectual equal. If you recall, this was what our whole courtship was like."

"And as for Lavinia," Seth added, "we never argue. She agrees with me. Not that she is especially compliant, I don't mean to say that. But we generally find ourselves in agreement on most things."

"It's odd, isn't it?" Allan commented. "That we should each have such different experiences in terms of getting along with our wives, and yet each be so happy with the way things are for us? I wouldn't like it much if Edwina agreed with me all the time. Perhaps a bit more than she currently does," he added, chuckling. "But I enjoy her free spirit. I enjoy the way she challenges me at every turn."

"Which is your wife more like, Matthew?" Seth asked. "Does she argue with you, or do the two of you tend to agree on things?"

"Oh, we argue," Matthew said. He had hardly been paying attention to the conversation, if he was honest. "She's very opinionated. Very determined to have things the way she wants them. If I try to tell her what to do, she's certainly not afraid to push back…"

And now he was recalling the last time he had tried to tell Cressida what to do, and the way she had responded. The way the situation had so thoroughly been wrested from his control. And even now, he didn't know whether he could find it within himself to complain about that fact. The kiss they had shared…it had been so unexpected. So unplanned. It had been one of the least controlled moments of his life. And yet, he thought perhaps he didn't regret what had happened, and that was shocking to him.

"You've barely been present at all today, Matthew," Allan said. The two men were staring at him. "Perhaps you are the reason we haven't found any game on this hunt. You're usually the best tracker here. We rely on your skills to help us find the animals. But today it's as if you aren't even paying attention to what you're doing. What are you thinking about?"

Matthew grappled with whether or not to tell them. He wasn't usually very forthcoming about his feelings, and he wasn't sure he wanted to confide in Allan and Seth. He liked his sisters' husbands, but he also knew that they couldn't understand what he was going through. Both of them had married for love. They had no idea what it was like to be taken aback by your own feelings, to view your own affection for your wife as a loss of control.

But in the end, he knew he was going to have to speak to someone. They were right. He had been utterly unfocused today. And if people were beginning to notice, that meant it was only a matter of time until it caused more serious problems in his personal life. He was going to have to confide in someone eventually—if he didn't, he risked losing control of himself in even more damaging ways.

He sighed. "I kissed Cressida."

There was a long silence, during which Allan and Seth looked at one another, and then back at Matthew.

Seth broke the silence. "You…kissed your wife?"

"It sounds less than what it is when you say it like that."

"Men kiss their wives every day," Allan said. "You know that, don't you?"

"Men do, perhaps. I don't."

"Not ever?"

"That isn't why the two of us married," Matthew said. "That isn't what our marriage was supposed to be about. We married for other reasons. More important reasons."

"Yes, yes. You think everything is more important than love," Allan said. "You've made that very clear to us both."

"Not everything," Matthew countered. "But some things, certainly. Having a plan for your life and sticking to it, for instance. And my plan left no room for this sort of thing."

"Oh, don't be so dour," Seth said. "You didn't mean to develop feelings for Cressida, but you did—what of that? If anything, it's a positive development, isn't it? Now you can have your advantageous marriage that benefits your business interests, and you can also have a lady you care about by your side!"

"He's right," Allan said. "You know, whether you believe it or not, Matthew, being in love is quite a pleasant experience! You treat it as if you think you're going to be tortured, but if you try to allow yourself to simply relax and enjoy it, you may find that you quite like having a loving wife."

"Yes," Seth agreed. "You know, people marry for all sorts of reasons. My marriage is not advantageous to me in business—I simply care for your sister. She brightens my life. Tell me, doesn't it make you happy to have Cressida by your side? Don't you enjoy having feelings for her at all? It can't possibly be as dreadful as you make it out to be."

"Oh, yes it can," Matthew said.

"Why?" Allan asked. "What's so wrong? It's not as if you have to worry that she won't return your affections, is it? By the sound of things, she already does. If she didn't, she wouldn't have kissed you back! So what are you concerned about?"

"You can't know that," Matthew objected.

"He's only trying to bolster you," Seth said. "But if I'm honest, I think he's probably right. Everything I've heard you say makes me think this lady cares for you, at least somewhat. You should stop worrying and just allow yourself to enjoy the fact that, in spite of all your best efforts, you may have actually found yourself in a marriage based on love! Isn't that a good thing?"

"You think I'm worried she won't return my feelings?" Matthew shook his head. "That isn't it at all. I'm worried that I won't be able to control myself around her. I don't know what that could lead to."

"What do you mean?" Seth asked. "What negative things could possibly come of kissing your wife? That's something you're supposed to enjoy, you know. And she is your wife . It's not as if there would be any scandal about it. Everyone probably assumes that you kiss her all the time."

"He's right," Allan said. "What are you worried about?"

"I'm not worried about what people would think," Matthew said. "I know what they think. They think just what I want them to think. That I'm happily married to my adoring wife."

"And now that's true. It sounds to me as if everyone wins," Seth said.

"Don't you understand? I can't concentrate when I'm around her. I don't know what it is, but I don't feel like myself at all, and it worries me. You say everyone wins, but how can I win when I'm losing myself?"

"This is what falling in love is like," Allan said. "Sometimes unexpected things happen. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Just look at Edwina and me—we never meant to fall in love with one another, but that's what happened. Sometimes finding the person you're meant to be means losing a bit of yourself along the way."

"And it's the same with me," Seth said. "Lavinia and I were supposed to be working together to prepare her to attract the notice of other gentlemen. That's why I was helping her to develop her social skills, not because I ever thought of falling in love with her. She took me completely by surprise. And it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. You ought to try to get comfortable with a bit of loss of control, Matthew. It leads to some of the finest things in life. You can plan many things, but the best things are unplanned."

"The worst things are unplanned, too," Matthew said. "You can't deny it. Think of the worst thing that's ever happened to you, and you'll have to admit that it was nothing you planned for. Nothing you expected. The lifestyles you describe may offer rewards, but they require great risks as well, and I don't like to take risks. I prefer to play it safe, even if my life is a little bit duller for it."

"Well, I think you should relax and enjoy the fact that you're developing feelings for your wife," Allan said.

"I think you should kiss her again," Seth offered with a rather mischievous grin. "Maybe you'll discover something about the benefits of letting go of your tight control of every situation you face."

"You two are entirely unhelpful," Matthew said.

"I'm sorry," Seth offered contritely. "How can we help?"

"I don't know. I don't know what I want you to do about this. But it wasn't telling me to kiss her again."

"Why don't we have a dinner party?" Allan suggested.

"A dinner party?" Matthew stared at him. "What sort of solution is that to my problems?"

"A very good one, I think," Allan told him. "You need to be around normal, healthy couples. You need to see what it's like for a man and his wife who genuinely enjoy each other and love one another. If you spend some time with the rest of the family, perhaps you'll come to see just how pleasant that sort of thing can be."

"You want to have a dinner party to show me what a happy marriage is like?"

"There will also be a nice meal to enjoy," Allan told him with a smile. "I think you'll find it well worth your time, Matthew, even if you are determined to see the good in a loving marriage."

Matthew wanted to protest that he felt no such determination, but he could understand why they would think he did. It made sense. Here he was protesting all the fine things they were saying about their own marriages, telling them over and over that his wasn't like that and he didn't want it to be. Of course they would think he didn't wish to love his wife and that he didn't want to understand why anybody would.

The truth was that he would have very much liked to see all this make a little more sense. Maybe the dinner party was a good idea. Maybe it would cause things to feel clearer. And maybe, if he was around his sisters and their husbands and paying attention to the way things were between them, he would come to realize that his own feelings for Cressida were something less—something fleeting. Maybe he would see that there was a way they would fade away and disappear if he simply waited long enough.

He expected to feel relief at that thought, but oddly, he didn't. Instead, he felt a well of sadness open inside him, as if something vitally important had just been taken away and he would never see it again.

Matthew frowned. He didn't know how to account for that feeling. He hadn't lost anything, so why should he feel such a deep chasm of pain?

This was why it wasn't good to develop feelings unexpectedly, he thought. This was the risk you took, the thing that might happen. You might find yourself getting hurt for reasons you didn't understand and couldn't avoid. And Matthew wanted nothing to do with that sort of pain.

Maybe the dinner party would help. Certainly he didn't have any better ideas.

"All right," he agreed. "We'll have a dinner party. I'll let Cressida know. I'm sure she'll be very excited.