Page 103 of Make You Mine This Christmas

‘Mmm, I’m sure that’s what she said. And yes, probably there was an element of that, but I think she likes you too,’ Kit says, turning around so her back curves against the balustrade as she looks up at the stars. ‘She was so excited when she told me about you and Christopher, really she was. It’s just a pity it all went wonky, and she accidentally told everyone we know.’

‘Yeah, she just explained what happened to me downstairs. We had a moment after I had to wrangle Mark out the ball.’

‘God, he’s such a piece of shit,’ Kit snarls as she takes the cigarette back from her, breathing another long drag. The paper is almost all burned up, and all that remains is the stub covered in their mouths. ‘Talk about a rebound guy to end all rebound guys.’

‘You really don’t like him, huh?’

‘Of course not, he’s a prick. I don’t think she really likes him that much either, but it is a rebound. I guess that doesn’t matter too much.’

While Haf wonders whether she should tell Kit that Laurel is finally on that same page, Kit ploughs ahead like a train off the tracks.

‘When you rebound, you just want someone, anyone, who is so diametrically opposed to who you were with before that youforget all the normal shit that matters to you. The blinkers are on, like she’s a racehorse just gunning it.’

Haf’s mouth falls open clumsily, unsure what to say.

‘Oh, don’t worry, I’ve told her all this,’ Kit says. She stands up straight, stretches her long arms out above her head like she’s trying to get taller. ‘But sometimes people aren’t ready to listen. You have to give them time.’

‘Maybe she will be now,’ Haf ventures cautiously. ‘Ambrose and I are like that, and being upfront and honest just make things easier long term, even if it’s hard in the moment.’

To her surprise, Kit snickers.

But it’s not the warm throaty laugh she’s used to. It’s bitter.

‘Honesty?Honesty. Of all people, I think you need to reassess your relationship with honesty.’

Haf bristles, and Kit stamps out the end of the cigarette under her foot with such force that it could be Haf’s own heart.

‘As nice as you appear to be, you might also be the biggest liar I’ve ever met,’ she scoffs.

‘That’s not fair,’ Haf whispers half-heartedly, standing up to face Kit.

‘Fairness? Honesty?’ Kit laughs again. ‘I think my brother deserves some of both of those, but you seem completely incapable of mastering either concept.’

Hot tears prick in the corner of her eyes, but Haf bites down hard on her lip. She will not cry, even though she really, really wants to.

It’s not like Christopher is being honest with anyone either, but that’s not her story to tell. So, she says nothing, glad that she’s sober, or mostly so.

She expects Kit to leave, but she doesn’t. They stand facing each other on the balcony, completely alone and in silence. As if they’re waiting for the other to say anything else.

Eventually, Kit softly chuckles, but it’s a strangely sad sound.

‘It’s just so... So... Completely fucking ironic. Or typical, I guess. Sod’s law, isn’t that basically what Alanis was singing about?’ Her eyes are glued to the floor, the shine in them growing with tears.

After a few more beats of silence, Haf rallies herself and asks, ‘What is?’

‘Architecture school was just so intense. For years and years, you’re just juggling so many deadlines and probably even a real job too,’ Kit says, now looking out into the dark. ‘There’s no time to meet anyone, apart from the occasional supply-closet hook-up, and when you factor queerness into everything, it just makes the pool so small. I can’t tell you how many straight girls I’ve kissed out of sheer relief to be touched.’

A thick tear breaks off the sharp ridge of her cheekbone.

‘And the first person I meet, the first person who comes along that I think could be something... is dating my brother.’

‘Oh, Kit,’ she murmurs.

‘I knew I should have gone back to the bookshop, but Laurel called me, and I chickened out. And I can’t help but think if I did, something would have changed. But it wouldn’t have, because you are still dating Christopher. It’s all so fucking stupid.’

‘It’s not.’

‘And I feel completely ridiculous saying this to you, because I don’t even know if... I don’t even know if you even feel anywhere near what I do. And I’m probably just being presumptuous and imagining things that aren’t there and getting mad at you for something you haven’t even done.’ She takes a deep breath and slows her voice down. ‘But I thought... in front of the fire, I thought...’