Page 27 of Macaron Massacre
“That’s right,” I bleat right back as another goat joins the party on my back, and the three of them proceed to stomp out a cloven hooved version of Riverdance over my spine. “I’m sorry about everything you’re going through. Is there anything either my mother or I can do to help with the funeral? I can bring platters of my sweet treats to Carlson Hall, the reception area connected to the church. It’s not unusual for me to cater funerals upon request. Of course, I’d do this free of charge. I know all his favorite desserts, so I can fix up something nice in memory of him.”
“That’s very kind of you. I think I’ll take you up on that. But I wouldn’t dream of freeloading off you. Bill me and I’ll be sure to pay you double. I’m so glad to have that old coot off my back, I feel like throwing a party—and that’s exactly what that funeral will be. Stay tuned because I’ve got a few surprises up my sleeve. Believe me when I say people will walk away talking. Rich always did make the biggest scene wherever we went, and I hated it. And now I’m going to make sure he makes the biggest scene of all.” Her lips curl with dark intent. “I bet your mother is breathing easy. She owes me one.”
My adrenaline spikes as she says those words, and I’m almost afraid to ask the obvious.
“Why would that be?” I bray the words out as my body vibrates like a dance floor in Miami at midnight. It’s clear all the cool kids are on my back, and the dance party is just getting started.
She smirks as a goat does its best to smother her. “Oh, honey, I did thirty-five years of hard time with that man. If she thinks he was a rascal in the short time she had to endure his wrath, she should have seen him way back when. Believe it or not, she got the new and improved version of that old tired dog.”
“Then why leave him? Why did the two of you divorce?”
“It was time. He was hungry to have me in the room with him all the time. I couldn’t breathe without informing him of my whereabouts. The older he got, the more he felt the need to control things. It’s a common issue. The horrendous dynamics we have when we’re younger only tend to exacerbate when we shrivel up and forget where we left our keys.”
“Who do you think killed him?” I shoot it out point-blank. Who knows? Maybe that pigmy goat tap-dancing over her skull will shake some serious clues out of her.
“I have a few ideas. But then, Rich racked up enemies as quickly as his bank account accrued interest—the way it used to, anyway. It could have been anyone. Hell, it could have been me.” Her eyes close as an entire gang of tiny furry tots gather around her like adorable braying vultures.
It could have been her.
The devoted kids hanging out on my back start in on a mambo, or a tango, or the Macarena. Whichever one requires more stamina and has twice as many steps.
“Lemon,” Everett says my name, tempered and even, but I recognize that tone. He’s warning me of something. No sooner do I turn my head than an entire barrage of round dark pellets rain over my head.
“OH MY GOD!” I howl as I’m pelted with a bucket full of spherical fecal matter. “Meg!” I riot as I evict the little devils off my person. And I swear on all that is holy they are laughing their way in the other direction.
Everett helps me to my feet, and soon the entire class is rising, laughing, and pointing because, apparently, that’s what they learned in finishing school.
I do my best to shake my hair out, but for some reason the little steaming balls of sewage have entangled themselves into my curls.
“Everett, we have to get out of here. Where’s the nearest shower?”
“No shower,” Meg huffs. “They don’t actually have a gym at the facility. But there’s a garden hose on the other end of the corral.”
Eliza makes her way over. Her expensive perfume hits us before she ever gets close. “Essex, I’m headed to brunch with the girls. Please, take the poor thing home and clean her up. Make her some hot tea while you’re at it.” She reaches over and picks up my left hand. “And really, Essex? Is this the way I raised you?” She plucks a rock the size of a nickel off her ring finger and stuffs it onto mine before I can process what’s happening. “I don’t care how progressive the two of you think you are by eschewing materialist tokens of appreciation. This was my mother’s wedding ring. I want you to have it. I’ve grown accustomed to wearing it to ward off the Rich Dallas’ of the world. In fact, it was he who inspired me to don it in the first place. Wear it in good health. It warms my heart that you and Essex have decided to start a family.”
A couple of shadows darken us from the left, and we turn to find Noah and Ivy striding up.
“What’s this?” Noah looks down at my finger, and the color drains from his face.
“My love.” Eliza pulls him in with a hearty embrace. “Whatever brings you this way?”
He glances to Ivy a moment. “Official business.” He offers a forlorn nod my way. “Excuse us.”
The two of them take a few steps over to Gloria, and Everett excuses himself for a moment as he heads over to his mother.
“Mrs. Dallas?” Noah’s chest expands as if he were about to pounce, and I have a feeling he is. “I’m sorry, but we have an order to search your home and vehicle.” Noah flashes his badge as Ivy steps up.
“And I’m afraid we need to ask you to come down to Ashford for further questioning.”
Gloria gasps and gags as a sheriff’s deputy escorts her to a waiting vehicle.
“Noah”—I step in close—“what was that about?”
A breath expels from him. “We’ve been getting dozens of tips about her. It’s time we kicked this investigation into high gear. I can’t ignore a good thing.” Noah glances down at my ring finger. “And apparently, neither can you.”
“Noah.” I step up, and a few less than hygienic little doodle bops trickle out of my hair and onto his dress shirt. “Ooh, sorry.” I take a careful step back. “Everett’s mother gave this to me,” I say, rubbing my thumb over the enormous diamond. “She thought my finger looked naked.”
“I get it. I just don’t like it.” He glances back at Everett. “Go ahead and get cleaned up, Lot. I’ll take it from here.”