Page 34

SOREN

S he won't let me in.

Here's to thinking I knew what true misery was.

A bottle dangles from my hand, hitting the ground again and again in a soft clang. It is four in the morning and I feel like shit. I couldn't bring myself to sleep even if I wanted to.

She isn't asleep either, her soft sniffles reaching from the other side of the door.

Seraphina doesn't tear up easily. I didn't even think she cared enough to shed a single tear on my behalf. And now that she is, I absolutely hate that I'd even pondered on it for a second.

"Seraphina, please," I say, but my words are slurred and I might have misplaced the syllables.

As usual, I am met with silence and I sigh, hitting the back of my head against the door. It's been a hard few weeks. I felt like I was losing my sanity.

Tova hates me. Right before Ronan took her along, she expressed just how much by raging and breaking every piece of furniture she could lift in my study.

Said I was a selfish bastard who only cared about himself.

Said if I truly loved her, I would have let Seraphina bleed out that night and die.

And if I couldn't turn a blind eye, then I shouldn't have brought her back with me.

If I wanted her so bad, I should've fucked her, given her a few wads of cash for the 'addict' she was sure Seraphina was and left her in front of some brothel.

She didn't mean it. Tova says the most hurtful things when she is mad. But I couldn't hold back when she'd said that. Or called Seraphina a gold-digging whore, and I did the one thing I hadn't ever done since we were children.

I yelled at her. Roared, actually.

The memory of her flinching and cowering is still embedded in the back of my mind.

She'd shielded her face like I'd struck her and backed away, crying.

She was hurt, from discovering Ronan's betrayal, from being on the wrong end of my schemes, and rather than be understanding, I behaved worse than an asshole.

I acted like father.

Sighing heavily, I run a hand down my face.

Then, there is Callahan. Every eye I had in the South, I have been forced to pull out.

He's been executing my spies, sending me body parts in boxes.

No piece of information was worth any life.

I already knew that but having to personally visit and deliver the news to the families of the dead, watching the excitement in their eyes from seeing me transform to sorrow did such terrible things to me.

I have shielded Seraphina from the brunt of it. In lamer terms, I have hidden that from her as well. I didn't think with everything going on, it would be wise to let her know her ex-boyfriend was on a current killing spree for her.

The stillness before the storm unnerves me. Knowing Callahan has set me on edge, every guard on the lookout. It's even worse since his contacts like Axel and Ruslan seem to have nothing going on either, other than siphoning funds to gods know where.

Having a council meeting and holding them accountable led to nowhere. There were explanations for everything. Explanations that sadly, make sense.

Everything seems to be unraveling and I can't even keep my shit together.

"I know you can hear me," I say when another sniffle interrupts my thoughts. I really don't want her losing sleep or tears over a prick like me. I'm hardly worth it.

My lips form words, not to cajole her into forgiving me—I already came to terms with the fact that I don't even deserve that a long time ago—but because my chest feels too tight to breathe, and I haven't spoken to anyone in a long time, haven't let it all out either.

"My father was cruel and strong. Sometimes, he was said to have been the strongest when he was alive.

I wanted to be a little like him, even if I hated him.

He was abusive and manipulative, especially with mother.

I hated the Hunts, but I went anyway, because it was the only time he wasn't too busy assaulting her.

" I take a deep swig. "I learned to kill.

I learned how he tortured rogues and spies, making them bleed and scream enough that they were near death, but keeping them alive for long enough that they could spill whatever truths he wanted them to. "

I laugh a little. "Don't get me wrong. On some days, I did enjoy it as much as I hated it. It was thrilling and in those moments, he was more a father to me and Eric than he was a ruthless Head Alpha. I couldn't seem to decide if I wanted to impress him or kill him.

"Mother left after my first shift. There were no goodbyes, no explanations, nothing.

She just disappeared. And father had no one else to vent his anger on, so he punished Eric and I for her decision.

I shielded Eric the best I could, but on some days, it really didn't matter. I hated her for it. I hated them both.

"Then, I met Ronan. I was on the Hunt, but I'd taken a different route and ended up closer to the Southern borders than father would have liked.

He had a sprained ankle and a burst lip.

Said he'd gotten lost. For some reason, I believed him.

Fixed him up. Sent him back without anyone knowing. But it wasn't the last time we met."

A maid rushes past, ducking her head in greeting and in a manner that is very unlike me, I wave.

Seraphina's influence on me must be deeper than I thought.

"We became friends. Father didn't like it.

Eric didn't like it. Uncle Bjorn didn't, either.

But he was smart, quirky, charming in the way all Callahans are, right before they rip out your throat.

I didn't know then. I trusted him enough to invite him over for a private family gathering.

Told him jokingly that all the fun started during the Hunt after dusk.

"Predictably, my family was attacked. There were no guards, as it was only family, and we were caught off guard.

And sorely outnumbered. Father died taking a blow meant for Eric.

A fire started somewhere, confusing our senses and separating us.

After that, we didn't stand a chance." I still feel it, the heat of the fire.

The roars. The screams. "Eric still has scars from nearly burning to death.

It never occurred to me that Callahan might have sold us out to his father.

He was present, after all. Had saved my life by killing a rogue who had an ashen dagger in my rib. "

Thinking back, it is hilarious how blind I had been.

I hadn't seen him before the fire started or the attack began.

Funnier was the fact that I hadn't gotten to Eric in time because I was looking for him.

And he suddenly reappeared, covered in soot and blood and it was easy to decide that he'd been there all along. Maybe I hadn't looked hard enough.

Shaking my head, I drink deeply. Seraphina's soft scent is stronger now, and when I strain my ears to listen into the bedroom, I hear a shuffle on the other side of the door. I let myself imagine her sitting there with her back leaning against the door, too.

And it brings a small smile to my lips. Maybe she doesn't hate me as much as I think she does.

"Tova's brothers died, as did her mother and father.

I was left with two kids to raise and a seat to fight for.

There were nuances then that I failed to notice.

Not until the years grew by and I got old enough to understand.

I won my father's throne, but my court seemed to think me a weakling or too volatile.

There were duels every other week, challenging my right to that seat, and I killed every other week just to prove it.

Still, it didn't seem like I had any fewer enemies.

"And then, it was brought to my attention that someone was spreading word that I had killed my father and set the forests on fire to cover my tracks.

Another said I ran and left my family behind and it was why only I came out unscathed.

Investigations led back to Ronan, but he was my best friend, closer than Eric was to me.

I thrashed it, refusing to believe a single bad thing about him.

"Then, Rayne happened." Another laughter slips from me.

"Everyone knew I had a crush on Rayne since we were children.

Couldn't speak with her without turning red.

The only way I'd gotten the courage to even ask her to be my girlfriend was with Ronan's encouragement.

He always got the girl because he knew the right words to say.

Rayne and I kicked it off and we dated for seven years. "

There's a dull ache where something much more visceral and violent used to reside whenever I spoke about Rayne.

"I loved her. Her father's pack was amongst the locals and she was only an apothecary.

I built her a hospital. Elevated her father's status subtly, because I knew the council would have a problem with me marrying from a family that wasn't as powerful as mine.

I was going to marry her. All I ever did was try to make the path to that aim clearer and less rocky for her.

I couldn't be present all the time but I tried, every day.

I was under the impression that we were perfect.

"A couple of weeks to our wedding, I walked in on her and Ronan in the apartment I'd gotten her as an early wedding present.

Enraged as I was, I couldn't stand to see her crying, even after what she did, even as she blamed me for her infidelity.

I was going to take her back. Forgive her.

Sweep it under the carpet. Until she told me it hadn't been a one-time thing.

She'd been fucking Ronan since I became Head Alpha.

I was grieving and had been absent and she needed me. "

The alcohol tastes bitter and I try not to gag as I continue. "Ronan had gotten into her head and they had fucked. And over the years, he was her...what do the humans call it? Booty call?" My words slur on the last sentence and I shake my head, clearing my blurred vision.

"My confrontation with Ronan didn't end well. He threw it all in my face. Everything he'd ever done, every moment I had been a complete fool. I attacked him when he admitted to being the one who started the forest fire that scarred Eric and had him in therapy for months. I couldn't take it.

I raise my free hand to my scarred eye. "He must've known, because he had an ashen dagger with him. Nearly took out my eye. I would've killed him. I had my hand in his chest, ready to pull out his heart. Had Rayne not interfered, things would be very different right now.

"When I banned him from the pack, I had thought it would be the end.

Until a year ago, Eric went missing on border patrol and I got his middle finger in a box with a single message.

"Negotiate or he dies." Callahan wanted Tova's hand in marriage.

He wanted lands, weapons, men. He wanted so much.

He wanted everything I owned and the only way to preserve one life was to sacrifice another and find other bargains for it later. Hopefully.

"The moment the agreement was reached, I had Callahan watched and looked into. Then, I found you.

"I finally saw an opportunity to retaliate, to save my cousin, to trade a life I didn't know or care for, for another I would die for.

Tova might be my cousin in name, but in truth, she is my sister, my kid.

And I knew firsthand how Ronan could be.

I would've done the unspeakable to get her back, Seraphina.

"But I spoke to you at Callahan's party.

Twice. And I didn't know if I could live with myself if I did that to you.

You may not believe a word I say but saving you had nothing to do with leverage.

It was instinctual, so utterly out of character that I had to find a reason to tell Eric why I was saving a woman we both thought to be Ronan's lover.

"I found out why at the hospital. When you looked at me and the bond snapped into place, it stopped being just about leverage.

I didn't think I had it in me to ever let you leave.

So I lied, added the clause at the bottom of the contract.

Because I wanted more time. Because I was fucking scared you would leave me either way.

That you would never choose me because you loved him.

"And it is no excuse, but I'm sorry. For lying. For the things I have said and done to keep you by my side. But I do not regret any of it. Selfish as it might be, you and Landon are the best thing that's ever happened to me."

"I hear a sharp inhale from inside, shuffling of feet, and then, nothing. I smile a little, again. I knew it wouldn't be that easy.

"I must have fallen asleep by the threshold of her door, because when my heavy eyelids part, it is to find Sera throwing a blanket over my shoulder, her dark brows pulled together in worry.

When she notices my gaze on her, she stiffens, starting to rise, but I catch her wrist before she can leave. "I'm sorry." I've never sounded so little in my entire life.

Her lips purse and for a moment, she seems to contemplate my words. But then, she says, "I'm leaving the day after tomorrow. To visit Baldwin. I'm bringing Landon with me."

Pain ricochets in my chest but I push back at it. "How long will you be gone for?"

Her jaw tightens. "A month."

She might as well kill me, but I don't tell her that. I could keep an eye on her, follow her around subtly without her ever finding out that I am stalking her--

"I only ask that you respect my decision and stay away from me. I need time alone and space to process things," she says coldly, like she can sift through the thoughts in my head.

Even if it feels like wrenching my heart out, I nod. "I understand."