Page 64 of Lover Forbidden (The Black Dagger Brotherhood #23)

The following evening, Lyric was back at the Wheel, sitting on her bed in a bathrobe with wet hair. As she stared off into space, she decided it had been the longest twelve hours of her life. Fifteen. Whatever.

And now she was here, in familiar pastel surroundings that looked strange, a hollow feeling where her heart needed to be, a headache spearing into her left eyebrow.

The fact that every time she so much as blinked, all she saw was that final breath of her granmahmen ’s? That just made everything worse.

Putting her head in her hands, she replayed the immediate aftermath in her mind.

After she left the bedroom, the first people she’d gone to had been her mahmen and Xcor.

Her other parents had been waiting just outside the door, and the way the two of them had hugged her, hugged Rhamp, hugged Blay and Qhuinn, and her grandfather, had made her feel proud of her family.

Always supporting each other, through good times and bad, both sets of parents steady and true.

And then there had been all her uncles and their mates, the fighters who came by, plus other members of the community, including Fritz.

The only people who had gone into the bedroom had been Doc Jane and Dr. Manello. The decision for cremation back at the training center had been made years ago, and though it had been hard watching the body be removed, there had been closure in that, too.

And then dawn had come.

With the guests departed and the shutters down, the eight of them had sat around and talked about the past, and shared food, and cried—

Seven.

Oh, God, there were only seven people in her family now.

And though she’d merely been grieving for half a day—well, if you didn’t count the anticipation of all this that had been going on for weeks—she had learned one thing about this very specific kind of sorrow: Your brain struggled to adjust to the new normal.

Even though intellectually, she was very well aware that a big part of her life had just died, she kept having to get used to it, over and over again.

Like the seven, not eight. Like the fact that there were going to be no more Sunday night dinners.

And tonight was Sunday.

Or at least… not family dinners as she remembered them.

“Who’s going to make lasagna for Father,” she murmured.

Maybe she could learn how, although why hadn’t she asked her granmahmen to teach her before—

As her phone went off with a text, she glanced over her shoulder at her bedside table.

Dev?

She’d turned off the preview function as soon as her brother had fixated on her dating someone human, so she had to get up and go to her phone.

And as she did, she prayed like hell that man wasn’t canceling their meet-up tonight.

There was nothing more to be done about her granmahmen at the moment, and she had no interest in sitting around here with a frozen smile on her face as people continued to express their sincere condolences or look at her with that grave expression of banked sadness.

It wasn’t that she didn’t love them all, she just felt suffocated by the emotions—

“Thank God,” she murmured as she checked the time and texted him back.

Dev was complicated for sure. But not as complicated as the rest of her life—

Knock-knock.

Sending the text, she hid her phone in the pocket of her robe. “Come in?”

When Rhamp was the one who entered, she was surprised—and didn’t have the energy to try to hide the reaction. She couldn’t remember the last time he’d been in her room. Then again, this was hardly normal times.

Oh, and you know, he was right about one thing. There was a lot of pink in here—

Annnnnd he was shutting them in together. So this was clearly not just a quick check-in, how’s-Dad, update kind of thing.

As Rhamp leaned back against the door and crossed his arms over his chest, she braced herself. “What’s on your mind?”

There was a beat of silence. Then he cleared his throat. “I just wanted to thank you. For what you did last night at the bedside. I couldn’t… I just froze. And if you hadn’t reached out when you did? You’re right. I would have regretted it for the rest of my life.”

Wow , she thought. This was unexpected—

“And it dawned on me,” he continued, “that you were much kinder to me in that moment than I’ve been to you in a long time. Especially recently.”

His eyes roamed around her room with its silk-upholstered furniture and its canopied bed. Dressed in his black leather, he was like a Goth who’d gotten lost on his way to a graveyard and wandered into a dollhouse.

And was she really hearing him right? Was this an apology?

“You’ve been out in the field a lot, that can’t be easy.” She knotted her hair up and put it over her shoulder. “And I know that you’ve been worried about Granmahmen .”

“So have you.”

“Well, it’s true. But we’ve always handled things differently.”

There was a long silence. “Can I be honest with you?”

“That depends,” she replied hoarsely. “I’m a little raw right now, so if it’s going to be hard to hear, I’d rather wait.”

“I really don’t want you to date a human.

” He put his hand up. “Not because they’re intrinsically bad or we’re intrinsically better.

It’s just I live in terror of you ever falling into the hands of a lesser , and to me, every one of them is a slayer just waiting to happen.

I know it’s not fair, and I clearly wasn’t able to put that into words the other night, but that’s where I’m at—and yes, I’ll do my best to get over it.

I have no right to put a stamp on them that says ‘forbidden.’?”

Lyric lifted her brows. “I…”

“And listen, if you want to learn how to shoot, I will absolutely teach you. But I’m going to want you to learn hand-to-hand as well.

” He took out his phone and nodded at it.

“To that end, I took the liberty of talking to Xhex and Payne. They’re willing to start training you anytime you’re ready.

I thought it was important for you to learn some basics from females, and then I can put together some sparring sessions with the guys.

You need both. Best practices for females, and some experience with a full-grown male coming at you. ”

As her brother fell silent again, he put his phone away and crossed his arms once more over his big chest. Then he murmured, “I’m sorry, Lyric. For a lot.”

“I… I don’t know what to say. Other than thank you.” When he flushed and nodded, she added, “This is also more than you’ve said to me in a very, very long time.”

He frowned at that. “I’ve been kind of blinders on about everything lately.”

“I understand. And I get your response to the human thing now a little better. I’m glad you explained yourself.”

Rhamp nodded again.

When things went quiet, she assessed him as a male, not as her twin, the brother she’d never not known, never not been around.

“You remind me of L.W.,” she murmured.

“How so.”

“You’re so angry—and I’m not picking a fight with you, honest.” She put her palms up. “I’m just making an observation. He’s like that, too.”

As Rhamp rubbed his face, he looked older than her, much, much older.

“Ever since I’ve gone out in the field, I’ve just seen…

things I can’t get out of my mind. Civilians who were tortured, the aftermaths of inductions—humans who have been hurt by humans.

The night is not a kind place, and I take all of it home.

” He tapped the side of his head. “Everything’s trapped up here.

I don’t sleep well, I worry about our dads out there fighting, I worry about what happens if the lessers find you or the grandparents.

It’s just… the only way I know how to handle it is to fight some more or get drunk. ”

He laughed in a short unhappy burst as he kept his eyes studiously away from her own. “Put like that, I probably need to go talk to Mary, huh.”

“I think so, yes.” She frowned. “Do you maybe resent me for not fighting?”

“That would be ridiculous. I don’t want you anywhere near the field.” He put a palm out. “I’m not saying I’ll stop you, but… I do not want that for you.”

“Emotions aren’t logical. So do you get frustrated because I’m just skating along, while you’re in the trenches?”

“I don’t know,” he said remotely.

Which was a “yes” he didn’t want to admit to.

Lyric laughed a little. “I’ve been feeling frustrated at being on the sidelines, too. But I’m changing all that now.”

Finally, those bright green eyes shifted over.

“I don’t want you to be like me, though.

Don’t lose that wonderful warmth you’re known for.

The world is a much, much better place with you in it.

You light up every room you walk into, sis.

And maybe I’m a little sexist, but I just wouldn’t want you out in the field…

turning into me. So be careful, if you decide to go there. It changes you, forever.”

There was such exhaustion and sadness behind his words, the shadows in his eyes making him seem positively ancient.

Lyric got up before making a conscious decision to do so, and as she went across to her twin, he sighed like he was putting down a tremendous weight.

As they hugged, she couldn’t remember the last time they had done that, either.

“I’m glad you came to talk to me,” she whispered as tears tangled in her lashes.

“Me, too,” he said.

They stayed like that for a long moment, and when they eased apart, she watched the emotion on her brother’s face get shut down again.

“I thought you were off rotation tonight,” she murmured.

“I’m just training this evening. I’ve got to do something with myself, you know?”

“Yes, I do.”

He nodded and went for the door. Except he paused before he turned the handle.

“Listen, Lyric,” he said, “if anything happens to me, I want you to know something—”

“Wait, happens ?” She recoiled. “Like what happens?”

His eyes sought her own. “I want you to know that there is no one else I’d rather have as a sister. And that you’re going to fill Granmahmen ’s shoes in this family perfectly. But you’re also going to do it in your own way.”

With that, he slipped out. Before she had a chance to say…

That she loved him, too.