Page 17 of Love Game
When I was fourteen I wasn’t old enough to see the whole picture. I didn’t fully realize how different it would be for someone whose family wasn’t supportive, like my mum. I knew intellectually, but I didn’t really get it on an emotional level. Plus, his friends were all a lot more “traditional” than the circles I ran in. Unlike me, he actually cared what the rugby team thought of him. Shit, he wasonthe rugby team. Unlike me. The older I get, the more I realize what I did to Dane when I waited for him under that mistletoe. I thought I was givingus our moment, but maybe all I was doing was dragging him into a painful spotlight he never asked for. And I did it without even asking. I really thought he’d want to show off our budding relationship as much as I did—I wasn’t trying to forcefully out him. But I almost did.
Now I’m older, the thought makes me shudder.
“Why is it so much harder for him than you?” I ask Olivia.
I know it’s a stupid question. They’re siblings, but they’re not the same person. Just because Olivia came out doesn’t mean that Dane can, or wants to. Still, I can’t help overanalyzing this, wondering why Dane finds it so hard to just be open about his feelings. Assuming he even has any for me. Maybe he just sees it as a physical thing.
No, I don’t think so. If that was true why did he want to cuddle and watch Christmas films together? Why did he hold me so tight when I got squeamish atHome Alone, of all things, like he was really worried about me?
Why did my support help him to win that exhibition match when almost everyone else was against him?
“He’s a fucking idiot,” Olivia says. “But don’t give up on him just yet.”
“I’m pretty close,” I say.
“I know you are. Just…trust me, okay? I’ll have a word with him.”
Chapter 9
Dane
“You need a good kicking,” Olivia says.
I didn’t even hear her come into the living room. I’m zoning out on the sofa, watching whatever’s on the TV screen without even seeing it. She sounds really angry. What have Idone now? Maybe I left a wet towel on the bathroom floor again. She hates that.
“Er, why?” I say cautiously.
“I’ve been talking to Alex.”
Oh. Much more serious than wet towels on the floor. Has Alex told her the whole story of the exhibition match? How I dropped him like a hot brick in the changing room. I don’t come out of the story well. He traveled all the way down there to cheer me on, he helped me win with that I formation strategy, and then I treated him like crap. When he ran out of the locker room he looked close to crying. I felt like I’d kicked a puppy. I guess Olivia got the whole story out of him at one of their band sessions. Right now she looks like an avenging angel who’d quite like to kick my ass on Alex’s behalf.
“Is he pissed off at me?” I ask.
Olivia sits beside me, and somehow makes even that seem threatening. I edge away.
“Not really pissed off,” she says. “It’s more like he’s just sad and disappointed.”
Great. That makes me feel even worse. Olivia gives me a funny look, like she’s trying to read my mind.
“If you don’t want him, you’re going to have to tell him,” she says. “It isn’t fair to string him along.”
“I’m not stringing him along.”
“It looks like it from here.”
I rub my face with my hands, thinking. Olivia just waits, letting the silence stretch.
“Okay, so what if Idowant him?” I say through my fingers.
The thought of Alex getting tired of my crap, of giving up on us, of going on to find someone else… it’s impossible. Even though he has every right. It still feels unthinkable. I want to cuddle with him watching movies and talk and laugh with him, as well as fuck him. I used to think we could only have the secondone. But in the last few days, having it all has started to seem like a real possibility. Now that the idea has lodged in my mind, I can’t let it go. Having him in my corner like at the exhibition match, but all the time. Cheering me on instead of fighting against me. Me cheering him on too. Being a team.
But it’s not that easy. I imagine being seen with him. People whispering.Did you hear about Dane and Alex? I didn’t even realize Danelikedmen. My chest tightens.
But then I think about Alex with a new guy, his painted nails just emerging from the sleeve of his oversized sweater in that adorable way as he reaches out to take the other man’s hand. Alex smiling up at him with that sweet look on his face.
No way. That look is for me alone.
“You really want to be with him?” Olivia says.