Page 36 of Lizzie Blake's Best Mistake
“But what happened? Why—”
“Do you know anyone with ADHD?” she asked suddenly.
His eyes flashed in surprise. “What?”
“Do you know anyone that has attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder?”
Rake scrubbed a hand across the back of his neck, trying to keep up. “I imagine my mates and I had a touch of it in primary school. What does this have to—”
“Anyone that isn’t a twelve-year-old boy?”
“What are you on about, Lizzie?” he asked, sitting next to her on the bed.
She took a deep breath and massaged her temples. “I have adult ADHD. It’s why I come across a bit…” She waved her hand, searching for a word. “… all over the place.”
Rake nodded, watching her.
She turned so her body was fully facing him, meeting his eyes. “And I’m trying to be more honest about that. Up front. Because for a long time, it was something I was taught to be embarrassed of, but I don’t want to live like that anymore.” She took another deep breath. “People think ADHD is just code for hyper or distracted, but that’s not it. Not for me, at least. It’s theinability to focus on or follow through on something that isn’t immediately rewarding. And it applies to so many of life’s basic things. Feeding myself. Completing a task. Total time blindness. Sometimes it feels like my brain straight-up riots against any normal executive functioning and makes me feel like I can’t do anything right. Or I act impulsively, or do something destructive, and I mess life up for people.” She stood again, resuming her pacing.
“I forget to take my meds or can’t work my way through the steps to set up a doctor’s appointment because it’s all too much. I let people down. I get in trouble at work. I get myself into situations—this included,” she said, pointing toward her stomach. “And it’s like at every turn, I’m missing something. I’m forgetting dinners with my best friends. I have to tell them I’m pregnant without a plan. I don’t have clean underwear because doing one load of laundry takes me like, eight days.”
She stopped, staring blankly at the wall. “And people have such little faith in me to fix things. Or to manage things. But I’m trying. I’m working on it.” Lizzie turned, marching to stand in front of where he sat on the bed.
“Will you go with me tonight?” she asked, her eyes pleading. “I know that’s probably a lot to ask, but I don’t want to face them alone. I love my friends, but they’ll have a lot to say and I don’t think I can field it all myself.”
The raw vulnerability in the way she looked at him would have inspired Rake to agree to just about anything. He reached out, grabbing her hands. “If that’s what you want, of course I’ll go.”
Lizzie nodded rapidly, sucking her cheeks into her mouth until her lips puckered like a fish. “I’ll probably say a bunch of stupid stuff, and Thu is a beautiful deviant menace that might flay me alive using only her words. And Indira will probably be mad that I kept it from her. Harper and her boyfriend, Dan, will be there. They might be a bit more chill. They’re so in love, Ithink the world is just a golden bubble of happiness, and everything is good news for them at this point but—”
Rake stood up, crushing her to his chest. “Take a breath, Lizzie.”
She was tense for a moment before sighing into his chest and wrapping her hands around his waist in a hug.
“I’m sorry I’m such a mess,” she mumbled into his T-shirt.
“I’m lost at all this too, Birdy. But we’ll take it one hour at a time. Together.”
Lizzie was still for a second before nodding into his chest. She sucked in a deep inhale, smooshing her nose against him. “You smell so good, I want to eat you,” she said.
“… thank you?”
They stood like that for a few soft moments, Rake rubbing his hands up and down her back in what he hoped were soothing circles. He had no clue what he was doing, and he was probably doing it wrong, but he felt as directionless as Lizzie seemed. After a few breaths, he realized she was quietly crying.
He pulled back, looking down at her. “Why are you crying again?” he said. He really wasn’t sure he could handle more tears.
Lizzie let out a wet laugh, rubbing her eyes. “I’m sorry. I know this is like the eighty-seventh time I’ve cried today. I’m not even sure why I’m crying. I’d like to blame it on hormones, but I also cry at kittens and bench ads pretty regularly, so who knows.” She stepped away from him, using the hem of her shirt to wipe her nose. “I’m sorry,” she repeated, “this is so embarrassing.”
“Why are you embarrassed?”
“The crying. Telling you all this. Being a hormone monster. An emotional nightmare. It makes me want to rip my skin off.”
“That’s… graphic.”
Lizzie snorted in amusement.
“You don’t have to be embarrassed,” Rake said. “About any of it. You aren’t an emotional nightmare.”
She gave him a skeptical look.