Page 24

VIOLET

I’m not doing anything else today until I’ve spoken to Leif.

Grayson didn’t need to share his suspicions because I’m already aware. He knows full well that I’m conscious of other people’s wants and needs nowadays. Or do the three guys still think my investigations take more room in my head than the important people around me?

If anything, Grayson distracted me from everything last night.

Besides, I did speak to Leif on the morning after the Darwin House party.

He wasn’t keen on talking to me at the time, due to the self-inflicted headache, and asked me to leave him alone to recover.

When I pressed him to share his thoughts and feelings with me, at first Leif asked who’d replaced the real Violet overnight.

Once we established this was a weak joke, he repeated his request to leave him to recover.

Something niggled, the way it did when he pushed me away the day we visited the elders, but Leif wasn’t himself.

When I offered food, he turned paler and refused. Definitely not himself.

Leif’s avoidant behavior continued after our earlier library meeting, but that means he’s easier to track down. His bolt hole. Leif answers his door within seconds of my knocking, and anxiety flickers in his eyes.

“What’s happened? Detectives?” He darts a look behind me. “Dorian?”

“No. Are you alone?”

He nods, and I walk by him into the chaotic room strewn with clothes and empty drinks cans, where an open laptop glows with bright colors, and voices yell through the speakers.

“I apologize. I interrupted your game. Please finish.”

Leif pushes the laptop lid closed. “I’m uh… dead now. In the game.”

He’s avoiding my eyes, and so I walk to face him. “I am concerned for your welfare in reality.”

Leif sits on the bed, hands dangling between his legs—the same Leif as earlier: guarded and on edge. “I’m okay. Are you sure there’s nothing wrong?”

“Because I wish to spend time with you alone?”

“Another walk?”

“You’d like to go for a walk?” I frown. “Very well.”

He drags hair from his pale face. “No. Last time you spoke to me about ‘concerns,’ we took a walk.”

“Oh.” I sit beside Leif on the bed and curl my legs beneath myself, facing him sideways. “I wish to speak about your concerns regarding Viktor’s death and your worries about the spell weighing on you. Grayson also thinks?—”

“Grayson? Does he know something?” Leif straightens. “Is Josef involved in what I am?”

“What you are?” I place a hand on his wide thigh. “No, Leif. I want to reassure you that I will protect you from my mother and father. I’ll keep you safe from the shifter elders. And I will always love and care for you.”

Instead of the smile and soft touch I expected, Leif looks at the carpet. “Yeah. I know.”

“That’s a confusing response to my words. Don’t you want to kiss me, and then allow me to offer you reassurance?”

“I’d rather be on my own, Violet.” He strokes the back of his fingers along my cheek. “Sorry.”

“Do you have a headache again?” I point at the laptop. “ That activity would give me one.”

Leif finally smiles. “No. Gaming relaxes me. I’d hoped for some down time, but you’re here to ask for help, aren’t you?”

“I’m not here to ask if you’ll join us tonight.”

“I wouldn’t go if you did ask.”

“That isn’t a problem. I never want you to think that you must do what I ask. Rowan once explained clearly—and slightly aggressively—that’s incorrect behavior.”

“But he usually does what you ask him to.” Leif takes a half-empty can from beside the laptop and drinks. “Rowan is safe to join you in… whatever.”

“And you’re not safe?” Is he swerving the discussion again? “This conversation isn’t about Rowan.”

He makes a soft sound before looking up. “Violet, even without Viktor’s spell in my mind, I’m the weak link.”

“Weak is not a word I associate with you. Mentally, you’re stronger than you think too, Leif. Talk to me. Tell me what worries you, and I shall attempt to fix the problem. Have I upset you?”

“I’m a liability, Violet.” He pulls on his bottom lip. “You can all protect yourselves against powerful supes. Grayson’s a killer. Rowan’s magic could kill. You obviously could.”

“And you want the ability to kill?”

“I want the ability to protect myself and not be killed.”

Am I hearing him correctly? “You’re stronger than an average human, and we’ll always protect each other.”

Or was I mistaken in assuming Leif would always be content as the one without claws or magic?

“You don’t get it. Dash shifted and killed Viktor to save Holly. He could’ve fought back if someone attacked him.” Leif averts his eyes. “I want to find my shifter side.”

My head reels. “Excuse me?”

“I want to discover if I have enough shifter blood to connect with my father’s bloodline.” He looks back at me and his amber eyes shine—the tell-tale sign of the heritage he ignores. “How can I be part of your life unless I do?”

Heart speeding, I stand and look down. “Good grief. You are already part of my life and always will be, Leif.”

“Because I’m your consort?” he asks quietly.

“Don’t use the word you hate.” I swallow, unprepared. I never expected to hear these words from the guy who shuns this part of himself. “And don’t crave a state that you don’t want.”

“But that’s the whole point. I want this. Being a half-shifter has caused a lot of shit in my life, and now I’m with you, my human weaknesses?—”

“No!” I interrupt. “Leif. You do not change who or what you are merely because you’re part of my life.”

He stands too, his imposing figure looking down on me. “Dorian thinks I’m dispensable. Easy to kill. Not worth much.”

“That’s Dorian’s opinion of most people. You’re not unique in that respect.”

“None of your parents believe you seriously want me to be your cons—partner. Everybody knows that you only told the elders I am in order to protect me.”

My chest goes tight. “That’s what you believe? Quite frankly, I’m insulted when I’ve expressed how much I care for you.”

“But I’m too human!” Leif’s voice rises.

I’m rarely aware of the difference in height and build between us when we’re face to face. Leif’s nature masks the strength that I’ve experienced once at the memorial and when we’ve kissed, but never in his manner. Not like this.

“I’m not worth the same as the others. I’m a liability.”

“A what?” I choke out.

“If I could shift, I’d protect myself more than I can as a human. I’d become fully part of the supernatural world, and anybody who wanted to hurt me would know to back off.”

“This isn’t a desire. Your thoughts come from fear.”

Leif’s jaw tightens. “This is about a lot of things. You’ve opened my eyes to dangers inside the human world, and I’m now fully in the other world I’ve separated myself from. I’m in Darwin House, but I’m a fucking supe, Violet!”

Leif’s breathing speeds, and his eyes glisten with frustrated determination. Weeks ago, I would never have understood or responded in the way I do, as I place both hands on his rough cheeks.

“Leif. Think about what you’re saying.”

His fingers curl around mine. “I’ve thought about nothing else for days. Everything sharpened into focus the night Viktor almost used me to kill Trent. The witch took away my control. I don’t ever want someone to do that to me again!”

“Viktor held control over a lot of people, including shifters. That’s an insane conclusion.”

Leif pulls my hands away and steps back. “Ask Rowan about how hard my life is at Thornwood because humans don’t accept me. The constant whispers about Mids, at how one day I’ll lose my shit and hurt somebody. That I don’t belong . Well, they’re right and always have been.”

“That you’ll lose control and hurt somebody?”

“I don’t know!” he shouts. “I don’t fucking know who or what I am, and now I’ve got a witch’s spell in my head as if I’m a construct.”

“The spell isn’t there anymore!” I reply loudly. “You are Leif . Incomparably gentle and kind and somebody incredibly important to me. A Leif I would never want to change.”

Leif always fought against his shifter side, convinced it made him something he didn’t want to be. And now he’s questioning everything because of me ? No. I refuse to be the reason he lets go of the life he planned.

Something that never crossed my mind before hits me. I’ve changed but look at how I’ve altered the people who’ve become part of my life.

“You talk about killing ? When Grayson did, he lost himself to a part he doesn’t want. If Rowan killed, that would change him too. Now you’re telling me you want to make it easier for you to kill people too?”

His pupils dilate. “Yes, Violet.”

I take a sharp breath, less and less able to comprehend this conversation. This isn’t my Leif. The Leif before me is the guy he secretly craves to be, filling the room with a primal energy he suppresses that I’ve only glimpsed in him in the past.

“I can’t believe you’re saying this.”

Leif strokes my hair. “I love you, Violet, but I can never be enough.”

More realization hits. “You can never be enough for me because you’re not a supe?” I ask hoarsely. “Is that what you’re saying?”

He lifts a hand up, his fingers outstretched.

“Rowan.” Leif pushes his index finger down.

“Bonded witch. A closeness knitted into your souls.” His lips thin and he pushes down another finger.

“Grayson. A vampire you have half a blood bond with—one you’ll complete because some weird fate brought you together.

” Leif pauses and drops his hand to his side. “And me. Some guy you like.”

“’Some guy I like?’’” I balk. “Because we don’t have a supernatural bond?

That doesn’t make you a lesser person compared to Grayson or Rowan.

I care deeply.” I jab Leif in the chest. “Not everything in my life has to be decided by magic or fate. You’re proof of that.

If bonds inevitably cause me to attach myself to people, does that not make our relationship more of an emotional bond?

One that has nothing to do with the shifter inside you? ”

“No, I?—”

“I will not listen to these nonsensical assumptions any longer,” I interrupt, teeth gritted. How can he believe that this foolish desire would give him more worth? “If you wish to connect to your shifter side, that is your decision, but by doing so you create more problems for yourself, not fewer.”

“But would you help?” he asks, barely audible.

“And how in the star’s name do you think I can help apart from to taking you to the shifter elders and seeing what they can do?” I snap, heart banging in my chest. “What happened to the fear you’d lose yourself to them?”

“I don’t know!” Leif links his fingers behind his head, elbows at right angles as he looks at the ceiling, breaths sawing in and out of him. “This isn’t only you. Every day is a fight between my halves. Every day .”

Cautiously, I touch his back, where the expansive muscles stretch tighter against his T-shirt. “I didn’t know. How could I? You’ve never spoken about your struggles. Leif, you barely speak about how you feel at all.”

His arms drop back to his side, but he doesn’t turn. “That’s why you were the perfect girl to fall in love with. You didn’t want to talk about ‘feelings’ or dig deeper.”

“I’ve changed, Leif, and you’re part of the reason why.”

The room drops into a welcome but loaded silence, Leif dropping his head forward momentarily before taking a shuddering breath. He turns back to me and his fingers slide into my hair, one large thumb against my cheek.

“Then understand and accept when I tell you that I need to change, and you’re part of the reason why.”

And, for once, I have no answer to what I’m painfully aware is his logic.

Leif’s fingers slide deeper into my hair as his lips press to mine and hold them, reminding me he’s the gentle Leif before kissing me slowly.

There’s no desperate hunger like with Grayson last night, or intensity from the meeting of magic and shadows with Rowan.

Just the solid, steady guy and his love.

I hold him to me. Why won’t he listen? I don’t want to be the one who might end this Leif for another unknown one.

He stops, but his lips remain close, as if still touching. “I need your support, Violet. Your understanding. Your help .”

I pull back and search his face, pulse racing from the kiss and the certainty in his voice.Leif believes becoming a shifter would make him whole and end a life of confusion.

And maybe that’s true, but I can’t agree with him.

“Leif. I’m frightened what the decision might mean and who you’ll become.”

“I’ll become myself.”

I don’t understand the true root of his decision but do understand one thing—Leif needs me. Supernatural or human, I’ve protected him, and if my support continues that protection, I must step back from my opinions and step in .

But I refuse to let Leif destroy himself.