Page 78 of Lieutenant

Because I know soon I won’t be talking anymore.

“Carter lost two brothers,” I say to George. “Pete and Tom. They were both killed in action.” I squint as I stare out over the dark, velvety water in the waning light. “We tried so hard to have kids, me and Owen.”

“Carter,” George says.

“Huh?”

“You said you and Owen tried to have kids. Owen’s your friend. Carter’s your husband.”

I nod. “I’m dead anyway.”

“Stop talking like that. Something could happen.”

I turn my head. “It’s the three of us,” I say. “It’s not just me and Carter. It’s Owen, too.” I snort. “I own him.”

“Susa, honey, maybe you should try to sleep. Save your strength.”

I shake my head and I struggle not to cry. “I’m never going to see my guys again. We’ve been together since college. LikeFifty Shades? We were ahead of the bell curve.”

“Um, oh.”

“That’s what I mean by I own him. He’s mine, and we both belong to Carter, my husband.”

George holds a bottle of water to my lips. “Take a sip, Susa.”

I try to push his hand away. “You shouldn’t waste any more water on me.”

He gently pulls my hand away. I don’t have the strength to fight him. “You letmedecide that. Sip, girl.Now.”

For a moment, he reminds me so much of Carter that I do as he says.

I feel better in the evenings and at night. I can keep water down at night, and he knows that. He tries to get me to drink more at night.

“I had a meltdown a couple of weeks ago,” I admit. “I mean, before the trip.”

“What kind of meltdown?”

“Because we can’t have kids. Four years we’ve tried now. Carter can’t have kids, but Owen can, so Carter had me and Owen trying. I guess I’ve been getting more upset about it, even though I thought I was doing okay. Then Carter went behind my back to my doctor and got my prescription for birth control pills refilled, and left them for me on the bathroom counter. I chucked them.”

“Why?”

“Because fuck it, why take them if I can’t get pregnant? I think it was his way of trying to tell me that it was okay, that I didn’t have to keep trying, if I didn’t want to. That was before the meltdown. Like, days, or something. Maybe weeks. I don’t even remember now.”

Thinking’s hard. Really hard. But I want this all said so maybe he can tell my guys for me. “Then he tried to talk to me about seeing a fertility specialist, if I really wanted to keep trying, and…” I feel shame about this now. “I snapped.”

“Snapped?”

“I don’t even remember most of it. I came up off the couch swinging and he had to pin me down and text Owen to come over and help calm me down.”

“Ah. You arefeisty.”

“Yeah. Sort of.” I sigh. “Tell them I’m sorry, please? I’m sorry I didn’t listen to them and let them take me to a doctor. That I’m sorry I was so stubborn.”

He adjusts the shade of the mylar blanket over me. “It’ll be getting dark soon,” he says. “About another hour. You’ll feel better then, sweetie.”

I wonder how many more sunsets I’ll see. “If they rescue you…” I don’t want to cry and waste the precious few swallows of water I had. “Please tell Carter and Owen I love them. And that I’m sorry for my meltdown.”

“You’ll tell them yourself, girl.”