Page 20

Diego

I can't stop staring at her.

Camille lies there, unconscious, bruised, and broken, the memory of her crumpling in my arms after she was shot still fresh in my mind. The blood, the panic—it’s all I can see when I close my eyes. Sleep is nothing but a distant thought. I stay awake for her. The night bleeds into the morning.

For two days, I stay by her side. I should be looking out for the cartel but my mind is set on Camille. She is the only thing that matters right now. I will stay right here with her until she orders me away herself.

Despite the doctors’ promises that she’ll survive, the weight of the guilt pressing down on me feels unbearable. I’m suffocating in it.

She’s too good for me. Too good for the man who killed her brother. The man who is nothing but a monster in her eyes. I cannot shake her tear stricken face. The amount of pain the truth weighed down on her. She never deserved any of that. I should have told her but I had been scared of losing, but now the same conclusion has come about.

She hates me. And she has every reason to. She didn’t need to say the words for me to know them to be true.

I’ve made so many mistakes. I’ve caused so much pain, and none of it can be undone. Not the killing of her brother, not the lies, not the destruction I have caused her life. She was normal before she met me. Before I allowed her to be involved in this word, she stood a fighting chance, but now? She has been ruined.

I’ll never be able to erase what I did, but I can’t stop wishing I could make it right. What is done is done and all I can do is focus on the future ahead. A future that I hope involves her.

I lean forward in my chair, my hand gently brushing her fingers. "Camille," I murmur, my voice barely a whisper. "I know you won’t forgive me. I know I don’t deserve it." My throat feels tight as I speak, the words feeling like a stone lodged in my chest. "But I have to say it. I need you to hear it. I love you.”

Three words, but they carry the weight of all she encompasses and means to me. In fact, these three words are not enough to express what she means to me. She is my sun, I revolve around her. All that I am is brought about from her light.

My voice cracks, and I close my eyes, trying to steady myself. I keep talking.

"I kept the drive safe, you don’t need to worry about that. You will be able to do what you want with it. If you want to bring the cartel down... if you want to destroy everything and light it ablaze, then I will hold the matches for you while you pour the gasoline, I’ll stand by you. I’ll help you."

I pause, my hands shaking. My chest tightens with every passing second.

"I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. And I am sure as hell that I don’t deserve you, you are all things light and good. And I…I am nothing but pure and unbridled darkness." I let out a breath. "But I can’t lose you. I can’t, you are my sun."

I wait. I can’t stop myself from wishing she would wake up and somehow, miraculously, look at me and tell me everything’s okay. But she doesn’t.

I keep talking, more so for me than her. I need to tell her everything that is on my heart even if she can’t hear me.

"I know I’ve hurt you. And I know I’ll never be able to undo the damage. But please, come back to me. Please don’t leave me, Camille, there is no me without you."

I am not a man of faith but I begin to pray to every God there is out there. I don’t know which is real or not but I just plead with whichever has the capability to spare her.

Her eyelids flutter. It’s barely noticeable, but it’s enough to stop me. My heart stops in my chest as I lean closer, waiting. She doesn’t wake up yet, but I can feel it—the faintest sign that she’s still with me, that she might hear me.

And then, just as the weight of the quiet starts to suffocate me, I hear her voice.

"Diego…" she whispers. His voice is hoarse and laced with fatigue and strain.

I hold my breath, my heart pounding. She’s awake.

Her eyes flutter open, slow and disoriented. I’m right here, watching her. I don’t know what I expect from her. Anger? Hatred? A slap across the face for everything I’ve done? But what I get is something I never could have prepared myself for.

She doesn’t yell. She doesn’t scream at me. She doesn’t call me a monster. Instead, she just looks at me with those tired, pained eyes. There’s confusion. There’s anger. There’s hurt. But there’s something else, too. I don’t know if I’m imagining it, but for a split second, I think I see something more in her gaze. Something softer.

“You’re alive,” I curl my hand around hers and draw it to my lips kissing her knuckles. “You didn’t leave me.”

The fear that had gripped my throat finally releases and I am left feeling a little lighter. She is safe and she is here, alive and looking into my eyes like she never left me. I let out a shaky breath and tilt my head to the ceiling, thanking whichever one of those Gods heard my plea.

"Where... where’s the drive?" she asks quietly.

Of course that is the first thing that she would ask about.

I swallow the lump in my throat threatening to choke me. "It’s safe," I answer quickly, my voice hoarse. "It’s locked up. You can do whatever you want with it. You don’t have to make any decisions now, not with everything that’s happened. If you want to go after the cartel, I’ll help you. If you want to destroy it all, I’ll stand by you. Whatever you want, Camille, I am behind you 1000%."

She stares up at me, blinking blankly. “How…how am I alive? I got shot.”

I shudder at the thought of seeing her bloodied and bruised in my arms. “I got you out of there after Felix went down.”

I watch in real time as it all comes back to her again. I see the varying emotions cross her features until she is back again in the present with me.

Camille’s eyes narrow slightly, as if she’s thinking. Processing. I hold my breath, hoping that maybe... just maybe... there’s something left in her heart for me. That maybe, in the middle of all the chaos, all the pain, we can find a way back to each other.

A love like ours doesn’t just fade away. It remains a part of you for now until all of eternity.

She looks at me for a long time, and I can see the internal struggle warring inside her. I’ve betrayed her in ways that shattered her whole entire world. I don’t even know if I would have the capacity to forgive such a betrayal.

But then, she speaks, her voice soft but steady.

"I heard everything you said.” She whispers the words but they fill the room loudly. “It was weird, it was like I was asleep but so aware of what was happening around me.”

I gulp loudly. “You heard me?”

“Yes, I did. I know that you didn’t want to kill my brother. He was a mission that you needed to fulfill for the cartel. It was your life for his and he knew what he was getting himself into when he signed up for this suicide mission. He was never going to come out of it alive. That's why he gave me the drive. He knew that I was the one who was meant to get it into the hands of the police."

I wait and listen to her with bated breath.

“I know that this is now how you wanted it to all go down and I do not fully blame you for what happened to my brother. If it wasn’t you, then it was going to be some kind of other hitman. But that being said, I’m not ready to forgive you," she says.

Her words cut me to the bone, but I don’t flinch. I can’t. I deserve it.

"I am caught in an incredibly hard spot. I don’t think I should be admitting this, but you own a very large portion of my heart—and this is all against my will.”

And just like that, I feel my heart shatter, but I can’t stop the relief flooding through me, too. At least she’s not telling me to leave. At least she’s not pushing me away entirely.

"I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I know I don't deserve to be anywhere near you after everything I’ve done. I killed étienne, and I... I can never undo that," I say softly, my voice shaky, my eyes not leaving her pale face. "But I need you to know, Camille, I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt him. But this world, it will have you committing the most heinous of acts for the sake of power that you can never claim. I didn’t want any of this. I just... I couldn't lose you."

"Diego..." Her voice is fragile, shaky, but still full of strength. "I... I don’t know what to say."

I watch her closely, seeing the exhaustion in her eyes, the pain from the wound that still lingers. I want to reach for her, to take her hand, but I hesitate.

"I’m sorry," I say, my voice thick. "I’m so sorry for everything I did. For your brother. For... for everything I’ve done to you."

She shifts slightly, her face still pale but more alert. Her gaze flickers to my hand, which is still resting on the edge of her bed, before meeting my eyes again.

"I... I don’t know if I can ever forgive you—right now," she says softly, her voice trembling. "What you did, Diego... It's too much. I lost étienne because of you. But I also know that you were simply following duty. But still…I can’t just forget it.”

The words are like a knife in my chest, but I hold her gaze, not backing down, not turning away. "I’m not asking you to forget. I just... I’m asking you to let me show you that I’m not that man anymore–not since you claimed my heart as yours. I will work the rest of my days trying to pay back a debt that I will never be able to repay. And I won’t hurt you. I’ll do whatever it takes to make this right."

For a long time, she doesn’t say anything, and I feel my heart sinking with each passing second. But then, just as I’m starting to lose hope, she takes a deep breath. The kind of breath that feels like she's making a decision—one she’s been avoiding.

"Diego," she says, her voice quieter now, more certain. "I…”

I can see the words playing on her lips. I am hopeful but I am also not an idiot. I know that our issues cannot be resolved by a simple sorry. This is deep rooted and it will take time but I want her to make the first small step.

She opens her mouth to speak and I all but lean in toward her.

“I forgive you. Not because I’m okay with what happened, but because I can’t live with the hate. It’s too heavy and if losing étienne taught me something, it’s that hate can be so toxic for the soul. And I don’t want to lose you, either."

The words feel like a weight lifting off my chest, a burden I didn’t even realize I was carrying. I don’t know what to say, so I don’t say anything. Instead, I move closer to her side, my hand reaching for hers, needing to feel the warmth of her touch, the connection that’s been missing for so long.

"I won’t hurt you again," I promise, my voice breaking with emotion. "I will spend the rest of my days making sure that no more tears ever fill your eyes unless it is with laughter.”

She squeezes my hand, her fingers trembling, but there’s no anger left in her. Just vulnerability and openness. She’s offering me a small opening, and I’ll take it.

“I will hold you to that, or else I will cut off your balls.” She threatens me with a little mischievous glint in her eyes.

The quiet that follows feels comfortable, no longer heavy with unspoken anger or regret. My heart beats with a quiet rhythm, more steady now that she’s awake, that she’s forgiven me. I ease a little into my chair.

I trace the back of her hand gently with my thumb, watching as her eyes flutter closed again, her body still weak from the wound. Yet, there’s a sense of peace in the way she relaxes, the way she allows herself to lean into me. She doesn’t pull away anymore. And neither do I.

“Diego,” she says after a moment, her voice quieter now, but still full of meaning. “I’m scared. I’m scared of what comes next. The cartel knows that I have this drive, and now that I know my brother wanted revenge as his dying wish, I want to fulfill it. I’m afraid of what we’re going to have to face.”

I swallow, my throat tight with emotion. I know exactly what she means. The danger still looms large over us. The cartel, everything we’ve been through, it’s all still there. But right now, at this moment, it doesn’t matter.

“I’m scared too,” I admit, my voice low. This is the first time that I am ever letting anyone see my true emotions that lie underneath it all. “But I’m not going anywhere and I will be with you every step. Like I said, whatever road you take next, we will need to stand strong in our resolve.”

Her eyes meet mine then, and there’s something in them, something that makes my chest ache. It’s not just the forgiveness, it’s something deeper. It’s trust. It’s love. The words hang there for a second, between us, and I know she can see it in me, too—how much I need her, how much I’m terrified of losing her again.

“I love you Camille,” I whisper, my voice breaking slightly. “I’ve always loved you, Camille. From the first moment I saw you. I was just too much of a coward to admit it.”

Her breath hitches at my confession, her eyes wide as she processes my words. And then, a smile—a small, fragile smile—appears on her lips, though it’s filled with more emotion than I ever thought I’d see from her.

“I love you, too,” she whispers back, her voice trembling. The words fall from her lips like they’ve been waiting to be spoken for so long, and hearing them is like the sun breaking through the clouds after a storm. It’s more than I could have ever hoped for. “I love you, Diego. Despite everything... I love you.”

Her words shatter the last of the walls I had built around my heart. She forgives me, she loves me. And in that moment, I know that no matter what happens—no matter what we face—I’ll do whatever it takes to protect her, to prove to her that I’m worthy of her love, even if deep down I don’t think that I am.

I sit on the side of the bed and lay beside her, careful not to bump her tubes or monitors. I pull her into my arms and draw her into my side, wanting to feel her. My lips find hers, soft and tentative at first, as if testing the waters, but soon the kiss deepens, the years of pain, regret, and longing pouring into it. We hold each other like we’ve both been starved for the connection we’ve fought for so long. The kiss is slow, tender—everything we’ve needed but never said.

When we pull away, my forehead rests against hers, and I whisper against her skin, “I’ll never let you go. Not now, not ever.”

She nods, her hand resting on my chest, feeling the steady beat of my heart. “I’m not going anywhere, either,” she says, her voice full of certainty now. “We’re in this together, Diego. All the way through. We will make it out on the other side.”

And for the first time in a long while, I believe that we might just have a future. A future built on the trust we’re learning to rebuild, on the love we’re fighting for.

And with Camille in my arms, I know that I’m ready to face whatever comes next. As long as she’s by my side, I’m ready for anything.