Page 7 of Lady Ferocity (A Series of Senseless Complications #1)

F elicity felt everything was going remarkably well so far. She had taken Mr. Stratton’s arm in full view of Lord Rustmont and now they were all traveling together to the library to see a spectacular item on the sideboard. She had high hopes it was a pineapple, as she had heard them described and viewed drawings of that interesting fruit, but she had never seen one with her own eyes. At home, they were always fairly drowning in Hunthouse apples, and then of course they went on bilberry forages on the moors and other various fruits turned up here and there. A pineapple, though, would really be something.

As Felicity drifted down the corridor on Mr. Stratton’s arm, she hoped Lord Rustmont noticed that there was something romantic about the atmosphere of the candlelight picnic. The chandeliers overhead had been left unlit and candles were placed on every available surface. The lighting was really very favorable to a lady, even her aunt’s features appeared softened.

They found the room housing Lady Jellerbey’s books and made their way to the sideboard located in that room.

As Felicity gazed up and down the length, she could not pinpoint the item Lord Denderby had pegged as spectacular. There were savories and sweets, very usual fruits, a tea and coffee service, punch, bottles of wine labeled as to their type, and port and brandy for the gentlemen.

“Well, Denderby?” the duke asked. “I see nothing spectacular here at all. If this is your idea of a spectacular sideboard, one wonders how you live.”

“Roland!” Lady Marchfield whispered.

Felicity well knew her father was only saying what everybody was thinking. Mr. Stratton, for once, was looking very amused by the duke.

Lord Denderby’s eyes twitched and blinked. Then, as if he’d suddenly recalled something, he said, “My god, it’s gone!”

“Gone, Father?” Mr. Stratton asked, his lips twitching at their corners.

“Was it a pineapple, Lord Denderby?” Felicity asked.

Lord Denderby paused, as if searching his memory for the recollection of what was gone. “Yes! Yes, that is what it was. An exceedingly large pineapple. It seems someone has made off with it.”

“If it was large,” Lord Rustmont said, “I do not imagine they will get far with it. Rather hard to hide.”

“Who knows what people get up to, though,” Lord Denderby said. “How should I know what happened to it!”

Felicity thought Lord Denderby was exceedingly upset by the missing pineapple. After all, it was not his pineapple that had gone missing.

“I will alert Lady Jellerbey,” Lord Rustmont said. “I need to find her and pay my respects in any case.”

“Don’t tell her!” Lord Denderby cried. “You’ll only upset the lady! It would be very cruel.”

“What do you propose, then?” Lord Rustmont asked.

“Perhaps we ought to search for it?” Felicity ventured.

“Yes!” Lord Denderby practically shouted. He pointed at Felicity. “She knows what’s what. We’ll just have a look round. Who knows, maybe somebody hid it behind a pair of curtains!”

“Good luck to you,” the duke said. “For myself, I’ll pour a glass of brandy and find a comfortable chair. Let me know if you track down that spectacular pineapple—I’ll be up out of my seat like a shot.”

The duke sauntered off, leaving the rest of the party staring at one another. Felicity supposed nobody really knew how to start a search for a missing pineapple.

Lady Denderby hurried into the room. “Ah, there you are,” she said to the viscount. Seeming to notice that something had occurred, she looked enquiringly at Mr. Stratton.

“We are poised to begin searching for a missing pineapple, Mother,” Mr. Stratton said. “Father saw one on the sideboard, a large one mind you, and now it is mysteriously gone.”

“Goodness,” the viscountess said. “Perhaps we ought to inform Lady Jellerbey.”

“Everybody stop talking about informing Lady Jellerbey!” the viscount said.

“I propose we split up and go from room to room,” Mr. Stratton said. “I will insist, of course, on keeping Lady Felicity on my arm.”

Felicity thought that was a very good turn of phrase. She glanced at Lord Rustmont to see how he was affected by it.

She could not read his expression. It seemed to be ever changing, bit by bit, though very subtle. She began to think he was a very deep personality.

Lord Rustmont turned to Lord Denderby. “You are certain you saw a pineapple?”

“Of course I am certain—I am not blind!”

Lord Rustmont sighed. “Very well.” He turned on his heel and strode out.

“Let us follow,” Felicity whispered to Mr. Stratton.

Mr. Stratton nodded and they set off. As they reentered the hall, Lord Rustmont had disappeared. Felicity did not know which direction he’d gone.

In a low tone, Mr. Stratton said, “You do realize there is no pineapple?”

“There is no pineapple?” she asked, turning to him.

“No pineapple,” Mr. Stratton said laughing. “My father used the interesting item on the sideboard gambit to lure me away from your side. Then of course he had to invent something. He leapt at your suggestion of a pineapple like a man lunging toward a life ring.”

“Gracious,” Felicity said. “That sounds like something my father would do. He will be very amused by it. But wait, why should your father be intent on dragging you away from my side?”

“He does not care for any madness in the family,” Mr. Stratton said.

Madness? What on earth was he saying? “I am sorry, do please explain that point,” Felicity said, her temper beginning to rise.

“Well, you know,” Mr. Stratton said, as if it hardly need be explained. “Your father, then you having that fit on the ballroom floor. He’s got ideas from it, that’s all.”

They had turned into a large music room that was full of lit candles but rather empty of people. The various instruments housed there had almost a ghostly look in the dim light.

“I sneezed,” Felicity said coldly. “And as for my father, pray, what can Lord Denderby accuse him of?”

Mr. Stratton looked at her with some surprise. “Well, I suppose he noticed the duke pulling an ostrich feather from Lady Marchfield’s hair and smacking her in the face with it. For a start.”

Felicity’s temper was rolling through her like a kettle on the boil. “He was making a point to my aunt, about sneezing.”

“Come now,” Mr. Stratton said, “you cannot deny that your father is one die short of a dice set.”

Felicity certainly could deny it. Yes, it was true that her father did not go through the world as perhaps other people did. But one die short of a set would hint at the duke being not very clever. The truth was, he was exceedingly clever. Why should Mr. Stratton be comparing him to a set of dice?

Her temper entirely boiled over and she said, “Perhaps, Mr. Stratton, you ought to look to your own family first. It seems to me that a gentleman claiming to have seen a pineapple that never existed might be one die short.”

“Oh that? That’s just my father.”

“It is not in here?”

The voice behind them was unmistakable. Lord Rustmont.

Felicity whipped around. “I am afraid not.”

“Very well,” Lord Rustmont said, “I’ll go and have a look round the other rooms.”

Felicity did not at all wish for him to hurry off when she’d just found him again. “Lord Rustmont, I’ve had an idea as to where it might have gone.”

“Have you?” Mr. Stratton asked, looking very amused. As well he would, as they both knew there was no pineapple to begin.

“Indeed, I have,” Felicity said. “It is my understanding that pineapples are often rented for a particular party by the hostess. Perhaps the person who rented it out had to come to collect it for another party. Perhaps it was only rented for a certain number of hours.”

Lord Rustmont rubbed his chin. “You could be right. If that is the case, I would not wish to mention it to Lady Jellerbey and cause her embarrassment. Everybody knows pineapples are almost always rented, but everybody pretends they do not know it.”

“My thoughts exactly,” Felicity said.

“Excellent,” Lord Rustmont said. “That will free me to seek out Lady Mary and her mother—I said I would at my earliest opportunity and have been shockingly remiss.”

The lord bowed, turned on his heel, and strode from the room before Felicity could think up something to stop him.

“Who is Lady Mary?” she asked, noting the tone of outrage in her voice. She had not expected to hear it, but there it was.

“Lady Mary Kettleton, daughter of the Earl of Gentian.”

“Why should Lord Rustmont be running round looking for her when he is supposed to be envious of the attentions you have paid me?”

“How should I know?” Mr. Stratton said. “It is only our first go at it. I had thought you were a rather stalwart sort of lady, but if you are willing to give up so easily, well…”

“I am perfectly stalwart, Mr. Stratton. Now, let us go and have a look at Lady Mary. I would like to know what we’re up against.”

The search for the nonexistent pineapple was given up and they traveled from room to room until they tracked down this Lady Mary that Lord Rustmont thought he must go and see.

They found Lord Rustmont attentively waiting on what Felicity supposed was a pretty lady. She was tall and lithe and had a pile of elegant blond curls. Her complexion was very much an English rose and her eyes were very blue. Lord Rustmont was not the only gentleman there either. She was all but surrounded.

“What am I seeing?” Felicity asked.

“A diamond of the first water,” Mr. Stratton said. “Every year, one comes along and men fly to her side like bees to honey. It becomes a competition of sorts, as to where she will bestow her attentions.”

“I see,” Felicity said curtly. “Just one comes along each year?”

“Seems that way.”

“So am I to understand that I am not a diamond of the first water?”

Mr. Stratton looked rather cornered by that question. “Oh, as to that, a lady should not dwell on such things.”

“But I am dwelling on it.”

“Well… you could be a diamond of the second water, I suppose.”

The second water. He supposed.

Felicity was really taken aback by this information. She had no idea that each season brought one lady who ruled the town. Furthermore, had she known it, she would wonder at it not being her.

Why was Lady Mary to be the diamond and not herself? What was so exceptional about her? Was a gentleman to actually be taken in by a pretty complexion and blond curls?

Just then, Lady Mary lightly tapped her fan on a gentleman’s arm and said something, which all in her sphere seemed to find wildly amusing.

Felicity could be wildly amusing. If she tried. As for the fan-tapping, she could take that up at once.

She had a feeling coming over her that she’d never felt before. It was some feeling of not measuring up. It was awful, and she did not know what she could do about it.

“We stay steady on our course,” Mr. Stratton said. “That is the only move to make.”

Felicity stared at the gentlemen leaning in to hear what this Lady Mary individual would say next. It was infuriating.

She would not stand for it. Steady on the course, indeed. Mr. Stratton was sadly lacking in imagination.

“No,” she said.

“No?”

“No, Mr. Stratton, we must redouble our efforts, and when I say redouble, I mean double. Having one gentleman following me about has not proved sufficient. Of course, I cannot know if Lord Rustmont’s head has not been turned because I have only one gentleman, or that gentleman is deemed not particularly significant. Let us be positive and assume it is because you are only one gentleman.”

“What?”

“We will require another gentleman. Then, there will be a pair of suitors following me about. That is certain to catch Lord Rustmont’s eye. I see now that he is only drawn to Lady Mary because other gentlemen seem as if they are. I must increase my retinue, as it were. Who can you get?”

“Who can I get?” Mr. Stratton said weakly.

“Yes. Who can you get? What about Mr. Wiles? I danced with him at Almack’s. As far as I can see, he cannot have much going for him. He’s bound to do it, as it would at least appear as if he’s doing something .”

“Mr. Wiles?”

“Mr. Wiles,” Felicity repeated. She was beginning to think it was Mr. Stratton who was short a few dice—he was remarkably slow at following her.

Gracious, there was much work ahead. He really would need to keep up.

*

Percy did not often find himself positively stupefied, but that was exactly what had happened to him last evening. Everything had been humming along at the candlelight picnic until his father tried out the missing pineapple gambit. Things had gone downhill from there.

Lord Rustmont was not being very cooperative to Percy’s plan. It seemed that fellow did not have the least interest in Lady Felicity and was all in for Lady Mary.

Percy could not understand it, if one were strictly speaking about looks. He found Lady Mary’s looks just a little bit insipid and pale. As for Lady Felicity, well, not every lady had such wonderful hair or big brown eyes. She was much more compelling to look at than Lady Mary. He seemed to be entirely alone in that opinion, though.

Or perhaps Rustmont just could not get past the sneezing fit at Almack’s. Or the things she said. Or her father.

Then, Lady Felicity had insisted he bring Wiles into the whole thing. How was he to get Wiles to agree to it? That question remained unanswered.

No sooner had Lady Felicity taken his silence as a tacit agreement to drag in Wiles, than the duke turned up to collect his daughter.

“Eh, Mister,” the duke had said to him, “no sign of that stupendous pineapple that was to knock us flat with amazement?”

“No, Your Grace,” Percy said, certain his face had gone red.

“It was all invented, Papa,” Lady Felicity said laughing. “Lord Denderby made the whole thing up.”

“Did he now?” the duke said, appearing very amused. “Rather eccentric of him. But then, some of those in this town are exceedingly odd.”

Percy had attempted to keep his expression neutral. If anybody lacked in self-awareness, it was the Duke of Pelham.

“Now my girl, are we done staggering around in dim rooms?” the duke asked. “Can we go?”

Lady Felicity had nodded and said, “Yes, I believe everything that can be accomplished this evening has been. Mr. Stratton? Do not forget our conversation.”

As if he had any hope of forgetting.

Not a half hour later, just as he’d found a quiet corner and was soothing himself with a whopping glass of brandy, Lady Marchfield suddenly appeared in front of him.

He rose. “Lady Marchfield.”

“Mr. Stratton, have you seen Lady Felicity and the duke?”

“Oh, they’ve gone,” he’d answered.

“Gone!” she’d nearly shouted. “When?”

“Um, I suppose a quarter-hour past?” Percy said, nonplussed at what upset the lady.

“A quarter-hour—they may still wait for the carriage,” Lady Marchfield muttered.

The lady spun round and actually jogged from the room.

Percy put his brandy down and followed her out. He could not account for what had upset the lady, but such was her upset that he was curious to find out. Perhaps Lady Felicity had borrowed that enormous emerald round her neck and Lady Marchfield was determined to get it back before it disappeared into the duke’s household forever.

In a matter of moments he was on the lady’s heels, headed out of doors. That was when he witnessed the capstone to the whole evening. And what a capstone it had been.

Lady Marchfield had flown out the doors without even collecting her wrap. Outside, she ran down the pavement after the duke’s carriage as it trotted away, shouting, “Roland!”

First the carriage sped up, then it slowed and came to a stop. The duke opened the carriage door and, loud enough for anybody on the street to hear said, “I’ll drop you at the Seven Dials, or the nearest gin shop, whichever you prefer!”

Lady Marchfield climbed into the carriage, the door shut, and they trotted off as if nothing at all had happened.

As far as Percy could guess at it, the duke had brought Lady Marchfield and then thought it would be amusing to leave her there. Then, when she caught up to him, it further amused him to claim he’d leave her at a rookery.

And Lady Felicity and the duke accused his father of being eccentric for inventing a phantom pineapple!

She was exceedingly eccentric herself and insulting too. His ears still burned over her idea that perhaps he alone was not enough to pique Rustmont’s jealousy because he was not particularly significant. Percy Stratton was most definitely significant!

Just now, he headed into White’s. It was still early, but he knew that Wiles usually came in first thing for coffee and to read the newspapers. The gentleman had a houseful of sisters who he claimed made a racket day and night and made it hard to think. White’s was his refuge.

Percy had not yet devised a plan to lure Wiles into this farce, but he was sure something would come to him.

On his way in, he glanced at the bet book. Then he glanced at it again. Then he stopped.

Will Lady F require any more emergency handkerchiefs this season? Bets end in a fortnight.

Apparently, Lord Hardwick had come up with it. The gentleman had witnessed Lady Felicity’s fit at Almack’s and decided to make a game of it. Percy knew why, too. Hardwick and Rustmont were like oil and water. Hardwick was a jokester and Rustmont was often seen frowning at him or claiming he’d gone too far. For his own amusement, Hardwick decided that Rustmont should not be allowed to forget what they’d all seen on the ballroom floor that evening.

The betting appeared to be split down the middle.

Percy dearly hoped Lady Felicity did not get wind of it. Who knew what she’d think to do about it. The lady was highly unpredictable! And then the duke might be offended too. Perhaps he’d issue a challenge to Hardwick over the slight.

Though, that probably would not be too much of a danger. His father had already explained that the duke had not even bothered to turn up after challenging a Cornwall baron.

He went into the coffee room and found Wiles at a table near the window. He sat down and motioned for a coffee.

“Do you want a newspaper?” Wiles asked.

“God no,” Percy said. “Whatever disasters in the making our government are up to just now, I’d rather not know.”

“It does not serve to stay willfully uninformed.”

Percy did not answer, but was of the opinion that was Wiles’ opinion. “What’s say we have a quiet game of cards instead?”

“Absolutely not,” Wiles said. “I’m already in too deep on the gambling front. I owe you forty pounds and Magnon another twenty.”

Like a bolt of lightning, Percy realized how he would get Wiles to join him in Operation Sadly Hopeless . He’d never really thought Wiles would get round to paying him, and now the fellow could pay him with service, rather than money.

“I tell you what,” Percy said, “I’ll erase the debt if you do me a favor.”

Wiles lowered his newspaper. “What favor?”

“A small favor. Simply join me in escorting Lady Felicity about the town.”

“Why?”

“Well, it’s not my idea, but the lady is intent on having two gentlemen suitors. You know, to make Rustmont burn with envy.”

“What’s in it for you? Isn’t the whole plan to make your father think you are set on having a lady who will not have you?”

Percy had indeed thought through what was in it for him. “Yes, you see, this works perfectly. I’ll make it out as if Lady Felicity is leaning in your direction, but I am determined not to give up.”

“This is a rum situation.”

Percy nodded. “Now you’re on to it—it could not get any rummer. However, I believe I can state with confidence that it is worth forty pounds of debt. Who else would offer you such a ridiculous proposal?”

“Nobody,” Wiles said. “Because nobody else I know would embroil themselves in such a ridiculous situation.”

“Yes, but you know why—I will not be chained!”