Page 66 of Killer Blonde

I’d tried to do the slow thing with Ray, figuring that I needed to not jump right into something. But even with that I somehow got swept away pretty quickly.

While it wasn’t fair to compare Silas to Ray, I couldn’t help but to do it.

There were quite a few similarities if I took my blinders off, and not the good kind.

They were both killers.

They were both on the wrong side of the law— though that was a given with the whole killer part.

There were a few other things but those were the big ones that had me closing up.

Inside the spare room, I realized that I was locked away with my thoughts. Maybe that wasn’t the best thing for me right now. But it was like I couldn’t stop.

Ever since I was little, I’d felt like I’d just been there. I was something in the way no matter how hard I tried to stay hidden in the corners. My parents— yeah, I knew they were shit people. However, knowing that did nothing to change the feelings I’d grown up with. Those feelings were rooted deep in my soul. I became a shadow because that was the best way for me to survive.

Then I met the Newmans and they wanted me to shine. They treated me like I mattered. And as good as it felt, there was still a big part of me that held back. It was fear. Fear that my parents would find out. Fear that it wasn’t real. And fear that it would be ripped away from me at any second.

Yeah, even with that thought constantly in the back of my mind it still hurt when it happened. I found a huge part of myself with them, and I left it with them as well.

Was this my chance to get it back?

Did I even know what that piece was anymore?

Twenty years was a long time. I knew that I’d changed a lot over the last twenty years. I was sure I didn’t turn out like Elaine hoped. She wanted me to fly. To sore. To be something. And the best I’d done was spread my legs for a bunch of men that took care of me.

I’d survived.

Sure.

But the way I’d done it, no one would be proud of. Least of all a woman that I’d wished could have been my mother.

Why was my heart so heavy?

Tonight I should have been throwing myself on my bed all smiles and giggles and shit. I should be biting my lip and thinking about that kiss, replaying it over and over in my head.

Yet, here I was allpoor me.

Sometimes I really made myself sick.

“Stop!” I harshly whispered to myself.

I wanted to change my life.

I had set out to make it better.

And I knew in order to do that, I had to change the way I thought. I had to changeme. I had to stop letting the bad things happen to me and embrace the good things that wanted in.

This strange, out of nowhere reunion with Silas was my chance. It had to be. I could have everything I wished for if onlyIwould stop getting in my own way.

This was my chance to turn it all around.

Tonight, I would say goodbye to the girl that lived in the shadows. I’d let go of the things that I tried not to be ashamed of. Though, no matter who you were, those things still got to you somewhere deep inside. I was determined to free myself. Because, really, that was all I’d ever wanted.

To be free.

To love who I was.

To be happy because that was what I deserved.