Page 121 of Kept in the Dark

I am an expert at pushing emotions down or away—unpleasant or otherwise. But now, something rises in the back of my throat at the memory of last night. It took me hours to collect and pack her belongings because I could not stop staring at her curled form in the furthest corner of the bed.

“Mudak,” I curse at him. “This is not about you. It is about her. And she… deserves to have the life she wants. She wants to find her home. To have her freedom.”

“So, you told her to go?”Wesley asks, aghast, voice full of poorly concealed condemnation.

“She wanted to leave. I let her.”

Quiet on the line follows my declaration, and I am horribly shamed by it. I can feel their judgments mounting, finding me as wanting as I do. But I know I am doing the right thing, honoring her wishes.

Right?

Unsurprisingly, James is the one to break the silence.“Wait a minute. You’re just… giving up?”

“You didn’t give up when she broke your fucking nose,”Wesley adds wryly.

“This is what she wants.”

“It is?”Wesley repeats in a tone of disbelief.

“I cannot give her the life she wants. She said as much.”

“And what life is that?”

“Abetter one. One without me. She deserves better than a ruined man who will probably be killed violently one day.”

“Whoa, that’s what she said?”James sounds offended on my behalf.“Doesn’t sound like her.”

I grit my teeth. “Not in so many words. She did not need to. After I killed Viktor… that night…” a sharp pain lances my chest, and I rub the area. “She knows I am a monster. How could this ever work between us?”

“She makes you feel like a monster?”James presses.

“Well…” She did everything she could to convince me that she did not fear me that night. “No…”

“We call that one ‘projecting,’ my guy. Besides, ain’t you ever heard ofBeauty and the Beast? Chicks love a monster.”

“I think what Mac’s trying to say is that relationships are never going to be easy for us—I’m sure Eleanor would agree—so it won’t work if you don’t make it work. Sounds to me like you both got scared. She pulled away, then you did, and now you’re both twiddling your thumbs, pretending not to see how monumentally stupid you’ve been.”

“What would you have me do?” I growl.

“Bring her back,” Wesley says, emphasizing each word. At the same time, James laughs and shouts,“Go after her!”

“She wants to leave,” I repeat dumbly. “She does not want me.”

“Oh, please. You guys are just really shitty communicators.”

“Everyone can see how mad about each other you are. Maybe we’re wrong,”Wesley says.“Well, I’m not familiar with the experience, so Mac will have to explain what it’s like so I can be sure—”

“Eat me, Short Round.”

“—but don’t you want to at least try to talk it out? Toknow?”

“Talk it out, Wes? What is this, Dr. fucking Phil? Take it from me, Big D—women like it best when you use your tongue for somethingother than talking, you feel me? You gotta go up to her, get on your knees, and apologize. Then do it again, in case it doesn’t stick the first time.”

It would be sound advice, if not for one thing: I cannot get on my knees for her because I have been on them since the moment I saw her.

The man I have always been has never begged anyone for anything before—would never beg someone to want him.

But to keep her, I must not be that man. For her, I will beg.