Page 58 of Kept in the Dark (Hitmen of Ulysses #2)

Nicole

Take that, unhealed trauma

“I’m sorry,” Eleanor blurts into the uncomfortable silence, surprising me.

She squeezes the steering wheel in both her hands, glancing in her rearview as she changes lanes.

“After we talked, I saw that you were struggling, but I wasn’t sure what to do.

I realized I might have made it seem like you shouldn’t want to stay with us, or like the arrangement you figured out with Dimitri had to be like mine with Mac, or—”

“Eleanor, stop,” I say, holding up a hand. “It’s not your fault I’m leaving. You told me what I needed to know and gave me some perspective so I could wrap my mind around what was really going to happen. I’m glad I talked to you.”

“Well, I’m not,” she grumbles. “You say it’s not my fault, but I feel like it is.”

“Trust me, it’s not.”

She blows out a long breath, sending long sideways looks at me. “You’re really not going to tell me what happened?”

What’s to tell? I cried myself to sleep. And when I woke up…

I swallow and glance down at the heavy, thick mailer envelope in my lap.

When I woke up, this was waiting for me, sitting on top of a duffel bag already containing all my things—everything he’d bought me, rolled tightly in neat layers.

I’m not sure how he managed it without waking me, but while I slept, Dimitri neatly packed away everything I had to make it as easy as possible for me to leave.

To get me out of there. To erase any sign that I’d ever slept, eaten, bathed, fucked… or lived in that pool house with him.

I know it’s my own damn fault, but it still stabbed me in the heart.

And then I found the house empty except for Eleanor. That was like the final twist of the dagger. I’m bleeding out emotionally. I’m trying to stem it, telling myself this is what’s best for everyone and that the guys must be kind of mad at me for hurting Dimitri the way I did. But I had to.

Still, he left without saying goodbye. They all did.

I mean… I know I’m the one that’s actually leaving, and they had important, time-sensitive things to do, but I thought I’d at least be able to see everyone one last time.

To tell Wesley about a recent study I read about energy drinks contributing to concerning blood conditions, and to look at the mole on James’s back for him, like I promised I would. And to say goodbye, too, I suppose.

That’s why I haven’t opened the big envelope yet. I’m kind of afraid of what I’ll find, but I’m more afraid of what it signifies—the end. The last piece of them. Final. Finite.

“Thanks for driving me to the bus station, Eleanor.” I look out the window, noting the signs as we pass them on the highway.

She hmmphs and rolls her eyes. “Fine, point taken—I’ll drop it. I’m happy to drive you… happy for the distraction, anyway. I’m usually a mess when Mac goes to work.”

Even though it hurts to think about him, I can’t help wanting to know if Dimitri will be okay. Of course she’s worried about James, but… from what I understand, Dimitri’s the one taking the most risk, out on the front lines, as it were. He’s the one in more danger.

“He’s—they’re going to be fine, right?” I ask, gauging the faraway look in her eye.

“Yeah. Yeah,” she says, the first time for me, the second time softer, a private reassurance. “They’re careful, and they have each other's backs.”

“But you’re still afraid for them. For Mac,” I confirm.

Her eyes dart over to my side. “I don’t think I ever won’t be afraid for him. In fact… want to know something awful?” she asks, signaling to get off at the next exit.

Not really, but I nod, grateful for any and every distraction. I want to soak up these final moments with this woman I’ve become so attached to.

“I joined an online support group for the partners of people in the armed forces. This feeling I get—the helplessness, the worry, all that—it’s similar in some ways to how a lot of people feel when their partner is deployed. It’s been… really helpful to get other people's insight.”

I sit back in my seat. “I don’t think that’s awful. Knowing you’re not alone is a comfort, I’m sure.”

“It is. And it’s been really nice having you around. I know the circumstances weren’t ideal, but it’s been nice to have someone to talk to who knows what it’s like and the truth about what they do.”

It’s hard not to be warmed by her gratitude and vulnerability.

It’s not just endearing, it’s admirable—she talks about her feelings so freely…

like she’s not even afraid that talking about them will make it hurt worse.

“I have your number. Once this is all settled, maybe I can reach out. You could… visit me when it’s safe. ”

“I’d like that. You probably can’t come to me,” she hedges. “Can I ask one thing? Just one.”

“Sure.”

“Do I need to start spitting in Dimitri’s food?”

It startles a laugh from me that’s hard to stop once I get going. It feels like an outpouring of every emotion. I wipe the corner of my eye. “No. It’s definitely not his fault. ”

“Fine. But text me if you change your mind, because I totally will.” She sounds a bit relieved now that she’s made me laugh. “What’s in that envelope, anyway?”

“Stuff to help me leave and start over, I think.”

“Might as well open it and see. We’re here.”

As she pulls into a parking spot in the small lot, I turn the mailer over in my hands a few times, feeling at the bulk in the center, and rip open the seal at the top. When I reach in, there are a few loose pieces of paper that come out easily. I unfold and scan the first one.

Sorry for the rush job—not my best work, I swear. When you’re settled, drop me a line and I’ll send you a better one. Good luck, Nicole. - W

There’s more underneath it.

Eleanor tilts her head, trying to read over my shoulder. “That’s Mac’s handwriting,” she points to the cramped scrawl at the bottom. “What did he say?”

“Um… ‘Nice knowing you. Stay safe,’” I read.

She rolls her eyes. “ Nice knowing you? That’s the best he can do?

Ugh. You know, he talked about how good Dimitri’s stitches looked nonstop for days.

He said, and I quote, ‘It’ll be real nice having a medical professional around here,’ more than once.

He told me you had a calming, grounding effect on everyone.

He liked having you around, Nicole. He’s going to miss you. ” She sniffles. “Me too.”

There’s an uncomfortable burning sensation in the center of my chest, like emotional indigestion. I reach across the center console to squeeze her hand. “I’ll call you.”

Her answering smile is watery and perfunctory. “Yeah, sure.”

So, Wesley and James both said their goodbyes after all, and they were short and sweet. That leaves the longer note on the second page with big, round handwriting. Dimitri. It must be from him. Immediately, I have to fight a smile at how his script fits him.

But I can’t read it yet. I’m not ready .

I set the papers aside to save them, and reach into the bag, extracting a thick, heavy stack that’s bound together with a few rubber bands.

On top is a new, freshly printed ID that names me Jenna Jones from Iowa.

I squint. “Did Wesley give me a porn name?” I ask, flashing Eleanor the ID, hoping to lighten the mood that has been spiraling down since she put the car in park.

Her smile is half-hearted at best. “Sounds like a thing he’d do.”

Under that is a tri-folded resume that I’ll need to study later, and under that is…

“Whoa,” Eleanor croaks, echoing my thoughts exactly.

It’s a two-inch thick stack of 20s. Thousands of dollars in cash. I’ve never held thousands of dollars in cash before. “What the…”

“Whoa,” she repeats, placing a hand across mine and lowering them into my lap as she looks furtively around. “Let’s not go flashing that shit around… This isn’t the nicest area. Jesus, how much is that?”

“Enough to be hush money,” I say, my voice sounding hollow.

Her face twists at that. “Or… maybe he’s trying to take care of you the only way he thinks you’ll let him,” she suggests.

I chew on my lip and tuck the money back into the envelope. Heart racing, I reach for the note.

Leave everything behind. It will be repossessed and sold off, and create a paper trail that leads away from you.

Do not use your name or identifying factors again.

Use cash to leave town, take the bus to a city that is walkable, or try to find an old used car that someone will let you pay for in cash without a title transfer.

You may need to go to a chop shop. Medium-sized cities in rural states are best—you can get lost in crowds, but organized crime is unlikely to have a significant presence.

Take self-defense lessons and buy a gun at a trade show so there is no paper trail.

Do not start looking for a job until Wesley sends you some new identification.

The cash should last you several months.

Get an apartment somewhere with excellent security and be friendly with the guards because they will protect you better if they like you.

Avoid Russian Men Stay away from any businesses run by Russians.

Stay s

Be s

Goodb

Ты забираешь мое сердце с собой.

- Dimitri

“Do you have a translation app on your phone?” I croak.

She hands me her device, open to Russian-to-English, and I hover the camera over the unfamiliar letters. Then, I shut my eyes.

You take my heart with you .

I thought I was all cried out. I’m practically dehydrated from it. At the very least, I assumed that I’d gotten it out of my system and I was safe from my emotions leaking out onto my face. Apparently not.

It’s not the fact that his final message to me reads like a laundry list of advice for how to be on the run. It’s not the fact that for the most part, it’s practical, factual, and unemotional. It’s not even those final words. None of that is what pushes me over the edge.

It’s that I’m never going to hear him call me Nee-cole again.