Page 26 of Just a Number (Magnolia Row #2)

MICAH

T he rest of the year flies by in a fog.

Nana continues to deteriorate, and I go through the motions of the holidays, knowing it’ll probably be my last year to enjoy these times with her.

The doctor we see in Mobile says her heart disease has progressed, and though I’ve done a good job monitoring her blood sugar, I still catch her sneaking candy or sugar in her tea from time to time.

It’s like she’s given up and doesn’t care anymore. It’s hard not to take that personally.

My mother continues to send the occasional text, but spends Thanksgiving and Christmas with her new boyfriend and his kids.

I know it sounds bad, but I’m glad she’s not here.

She brings drama, and that’s the last thing my nana needs, even though I know she misses her daughter.

It’s a no-win situation, and I hate it for her.

Rhodes spends Thanksgiving and Christmas in Birmingham with his son and is only able to visit Magnolia Row about once a month, which confirms my suspicion that this long-distance thing isn’t going to work.

We haven’t slept together yet, for two reasons.

First, I had to get myself checked out after I found out about all the shenanigans Garrett had been up to.

Even though he and I had always used protection, I was paranoid and wanted to make sure I was clean.

I am. Thank God.

Even after all the tests came back negative, I’m still stalling with Rhodes, and I make a million excuses.

I hate to admit it, but the truth is I’m terrified of him seeing me naked.

I’m dumpy little small-town nobody. He’s Mr. Rockstar Architect touring the South and saving all these buildings from certain death.

When I look in the mirror, I see a big girl.

When I look at him, I see a man oozing confidence and quiet sex appeal.

I am way too insecure to make this relationship work. I will never feel good enough. Ever. I do miss him, but I don’t want to make any demands if I’m not ready to commit. And I’m not.

I don’t know if I ever will be.

* * *

N ew Year’s Eve is hard, and I’ve been dreading it. Nana hasn’t been feeling well all day, so I tell Sistine I’m busy and can’t go to the big midnight bash at Cattywampus.

Rhodes calls from a hotel in Nashville. He’s there for the wedding of a former colleague, and though he invited me to come with him as his date, I couldn’t leave Nana.

The entire day I spend thinking about all the beautiful, skinnier women in their skin-tight designer dresses flirting with him and dancing and making him realize he actually can do better.

My head spins all night. I’m sick with jealousy over women I’ve completely invented in my own head. It’s exhausting.

Nana goes to bed early. I tuck her in and she’s out before I can even turn off her light.

I have a bottle of rosé in the fridge, so I open it and drink the entire thing while flipping through the channels showing cheesy NYE party specials.

Rhodes sends me texts throughout the night, checking on me, and even sends me a selfie he took in the hotel mirror before he left for the wedding.

He’s wearing a sharp navy pinstripe suit tailored perfectly to his tall, lean body.

It takes my breath away when I see how sexy he is, how masculine and classy, like Mr. Darcy without the grumpy exterior.

I wish more than anything to be with him tonight.

At midnight we do a video call. He’s still at the wedding, and I can tell there’s a huge party going on behind him. We have a fake toast with our respective glasses, and blow kisses to each other. I tell him I miss him, then we hang up.

I slide off the couch in my lime green silk pajamas, wash my wine glass, and get ready for bed while I listen to Taylor Swift. I turn it off when I walk down the hall to my bedroom.

I pause at my door, which is right beside Nana’s. I listen for the sound of her soft snoring, but don’t hear anything. I close my eyes, hold my breath, and wait.

And wait.

A pit of dread forms in my stomach as I crack open her door. She hasn’t moved. I tiptoe to her bedside and put my hand on her chest above the covers. Nothing. I turn on the lamp beside her bed. She’s paler than normal, and when I touch her hand, it’s cold.

I sink to the floor. She’s gone—I know it without even calling an ambulance. The room spins and a weight falls on my chest, making it hard to breathe. I look at her again. She’s so peaceful, her white hair spread out on her pillow like an angel.

This cannot be happening. I know no life without my nana. I can’t function without her. I don’t even know what to do in this moment without her to tell me how to handle it. My brain is firing off in so many directions I’m frozen in place.

I don’t know how long I sit on the floor. An endless stream of tears rolls down my face, but I’m not sobbing. I’m in shock, though I shouldn’t be. This has been a long time coming, but I didn’t want to believe it could really happen. How can she be taken from me?

I’ve never felt so alone in my life.

I take my phone from the pocket of my pajama pants.

My hands are shaking so badly I drop it twice before I’m able to call 911.

The operator is a girl I went to high school with, so I don’t even have to give her the address.

While I wait for the ambulance, I sit on the side of the bed with Nana, stroking her hair and focusing on my breathing.

Should I call Rhodes? My friends? My mom? The funeral home? I’m not prepared for this. I simply don’t know what motions to go through or how to process. Nana always took care of everything. She knew what to do, no matter the situation.

I don’t even know where to begin.

Once the coroner and paramedics arrive, I sit alone in the living room while they tend to Nana in the bedroom.

I’m on the edge of the sofa, arms wrapped around my stomach and rocking back and forth while people hurry past. The coroner, who also runs the only funeral home in Magnolia Row, stops to extend his condolences and asks me to call him the next day to go over arrangements.

I nod with a jerky, stiff neck, still in shock.

He asks me if he can call anyone for me, but I say no.

I don’t even know why I say no. It pops out of my mouth like someone else is saying it.

When they take her out of the house, I turn my head and close my eyes. I can’t see a lumpy white sheet and know the most important person in my life is leaving this house for good. It’s too much to wrap my head around, an image I don’t want burned into my memory.

Everyone who came to help is incredibly kind, but once Nana is in the ambulance, they say goodbye.

And I am left with silence.

My ears ring from the eerie quiet in the house.

Suddenly my chest feels heavy and I’m struggling to breathe.

The dam breaks and I begin sobbing so hard I sink to my knees and curl up on the carpet.

All the anxiety I’d felt throughout Nana’s illness, her hospitalization, and everything catches up with me in a rush of uncontrollable tears.

When I finally catch my breath, I look around the house and tremble. This is my new reality.

I’m completely and utterly alone.

I look at my phone. I should call one of my girlfriends to come over. I know any of them would get out of bed in a heartbeat to be with me, but all I want is Rhodes. Even though he’s six hours away in Nashville, I dial his number.